Courage to Become | Sonya Holmgaard
A quick note about The Courage to Become Series and today’s, featured woman.
Hi! Catia here. I am delighted to bring you Season 4 of The Courage to Become! I ask women I admire to share a behind the scenes view of their becoming. We often see the result but aren’t privy to the through, to the transformation. And the through is where all the magic happens. The story you are about to read will buoy you with hope. Being a woman is not easy, but damn, if it can be magical. There are inspirational women everywhere, and Sonya is one of them.
Enjoy Sonya’s story of becoming. I watch her on social media and admire the way she is so passionate about health and wellness for herself, and for her community. I have learned so much from her about persistence and growing and enthusiasm!!! Please welcome, Sonya.
WAVE NUMBER 1
When I was a junior in high school, I met this very handsome man I immediately knew I would marry. 17 years this December. He struggled with a drug addiction that I was not aware of. I knew bits and pieces and would find things, but I was oblivious to what was going on for the most part. When I found out he would be spending 2 ½ years in a Federal Penitentiary, I was already months along with our first child. I watched him get sentenced wearing shackles and chains around his hands and feet while trying to hold myself emotionally together, not only for myself but also to keep my stress levels down and for my unborn baby's well-being.
I didn't know how strong I was then until years later. I worked two jobs and made the trip to Yankton, South Dakota, to visit him almost every weekend with my husband's grandparents or mother. I had very few friends and kept myself busy getting ready for the baby, worked, and prayed a lot. Our first child was born, and I was allowed to make a phone call to the prison to report our first baby girl's news. The hospital refused to let me put her father's name on the birth certificate for my daughter. Instead, they put dashes where his name should have been. From the beginning, even though the struggle I knew I would face, I never had any intentions to leave my husband because I knew we were to be together forever, no matter what. I knew he was my soul mate and his struggle in life was no reason to abandon him. I loved him and wasn't going anywhere.
Shortly after his sentence and before our first child, we were married privately in a small jail before being transferred to federal prison. We said I do behind glass while a local priest who was against our marriage announced our union. I cried as I messed up one of the lines the priest prompted me to say, and he scoffed at me. When I say he was against, I mean he was against it and treated us like it. Regardless, we were married, and I was in it till death do us part. I was prepared. No matter what anybody said, and they did say a lot. Others wanted me to leave him and have a "real life."
Eventually, I was allowed to bring our baby girl to the prison so her dad could see her for the first time. This was before he was transferred, so it was only an hour from where I live. I proudly held her up to the glass window for daddy to see his perfect little lady. She showed off her crooked pinkies just like his and her nose that was just like mine. That was tough. That was a sad day but also a happy day because we both loved her so much. Years later, I visited Alcatraz prison in California and had a mini-breakdown seeing the visiting area where families would visit through glass windows and use a phone to talk to each other. They probably held up their hands, and that's how they "held hands" between an inch and a half of Plexiglas. Seeing that Visitor area was challenging for me. And even harder, I knew my husband would not be able to hold his daughter. Tough. Very tough. Hard. VERY HARD.
Years later, I came back to this very prison to visit a cousin who was in trouble for drugs. My cousin boasted to his counselor about how my husband made it out and has a good life and that he knew there was a way to have another chance. The same room with the same glass window where I brought my daughter as a baby to see her daddy through the glass was in the background. Visitor room number 5. I noticed it when we walked in and pushed the feelings aside and later sat with the feelings as we drove home. It wasn't so hard this time. This time I let the feelings come. I dealt with them and thanked God for my daughter growing up into a beautiful, strong, fierce, independent woman that will not be stopped by any history our family has in the past.
The day we got to go pick up my husband, there was a party going on in my heart, in my mind, in my soul. He had worked hard and studied and learned to weld and was ready to come home. He did all the things he was supposed to do and more. In the Bible, he found himself in good people in finding a skill that he knew he could apply at a good job when he got home. By the grace of God, he had a family member there that had already almost served years of his life for drugs as well and had made a HUGE shift and change in his life to do better, and he took my husband under his wing and helped him find the way down the right path. When we all walked out of the prison doors, he kept looking behind him. It was a strange feeling for him to walk out those doors. Things were new and different, and things had changed in the big world.
AND BAM! I was pregnant, just like that with our second child. We had a small marriage ceremony that September, and I was six months pregnant in David's bridal red and white dress tailored for my swollen pregnant belly. Life was good. Years went by, and we fought a lot and made up a lot, and our marriage was tested. But as we got older, we grew more and more in love and understanding of each other. Luckily my daughter was young enough she doesn't remember, and by the time we had our second child, my husband was HOME; I'm thankful for that. WE MADE IT, and we are all right.
WAVE NUMBER 2
WAVE number 2 was coming, and I had no idea. A TSUNAMI. With no warning. And here it is. I'm just going to come out with it. My nephew was shaken by his father so severely that he almost died. He is now blind, unable to walk, unable to talk, never run, will never see, and will never have all the chances that many other kids get. We spent countless nights in a tiny family waiting room and slept in chairs and couches made out of cement, I swear. It was my job every day to wake up and make sure my sister ate so she could keep going. We were allowed to see my nephew but only with CPS breathing down our necks while they investigated. CPS took my sister alone into a room and interrogated her without my knowledge until I found out where she was and ever so kindly burst in to sit with her and hold her hand, so she wasn't alone. At the time, I didn't know how strong I was. I went through the movements to protect my sister, and even though my body went through the motions, I wasn't there; I was in another world trying to scramble and pick up the pieces from this giant confetti bomb the size of the world that just went off.
I was placed with temporary custody of my other nephew as none of the children were no longer allowed to be in my sister's care until things were straightened out. AND THE PART I COULDN'T LIVE WITH FOR A LONG TIME…I was asked to take my baby nephew, who was shaken home after they released him, and I SAID NO. I SAID NO because I had my own two kids, at the time 2-year-old nephew I had just taken custody of (and I was upfront about my husband's past…Luckily DHS let me have my nephew). I had planned on taking on my sister's other two children that were older. Eventually, their dad fought me over and ended up getting for a while. So I was planning on raising my two-year-old nephew, my own two kids, and my sister's older two kids for as long as I needed to. 5 KIDS! At the time, I didn't know it, but I took on only what I could handle. My nephew, who was shaken, was placed with my other sister, who happened to be a foster parent. I let him go there because I didn't think I would be able to take care of all the kids and get my hurt nephew to where he needed to be for hospital surgeries and care. It was going to be a long, long haul for him. I didn't think I had it in me to be strong enough to carry all that battle. I felt I could handle only so much.
About a year and a half goes by, and I am BEATING MYSELF UP EVERY DAY for not taking my nephew, who was hurt. I WAS ASHAMED OF MYSELF. DESTROYED. FELT WORTHLESS. WHAT KIND OF AN AUNT WAS I? Like how could I take on the other kids and not my poor helpless baby nephew who needed me? DEPRESSION BIG TIME. LOWEST POINT OF MY LIFE. DONE. WAS A WASTE OF SPACE. I WISHED IT WERE ME AND NOT MY BABY NEPHEW. I would have done ANYTHING TO TAKE HIS SPOT. So he could have a chance. So he could have a LIFE.
BUT…..
I PULLED MYSELF OUT OF THAT DARK PLACE.
I kept pouring myself into my sister's kids and my own. EVERY WAKING second was ABOUT THEM. They were well-loved and taken care of and still are.
Around this time, I started my health journey. I was just a few months in waking up every day at 5 am to work out and take time for myself and eat healthily. I could have given up, but instead, I pushed harder. I brought food with me to the hospital while visiting my hurt nephew and stuck to my plan. I pressed play on workout videos in hospital rooms. I kept going. I had fuel. I WAS TIRED AND SCARED AND SAD. I KEPT GOING.
When my nephew was released with my other sister who took him, there were many months of grueling court battles and even a court hearing for a chance for the father of my nephew, who I had custody of to fight for him….he didn't….I was CRUSHED for him. That was a punch in the gut. I wouldn't have given him up anyway, but it was hard to hear he was done with this beautiful little Hawaiian tanned baby boy that has a smile bigger than the sun. I continued my workout journey and even got my nephew up at 5 am with me as a workout buddy and got him his milk and blanky while he laid and watched cartoons before I took him to daycare.
At the time, I Didn't know HOW STRONG I WAS.
Years later, I FORGAVE MYSELF.
FOR NOT TAKING MY HURT NEPHEW. I took YEARS to let it go. YEARS.
I went to the gulf shores, woke up before the sunrise. And that day, I decided it was time. I ran 3 miles. Then watched the sun come up, then laid in the saltwater, went under…
AND LET IT GO. I forgave myself and let it go to GOD. He took all my weight and my burden of NOT BEING ENOUGH. Up into the sky went my unanswered questions. I know now that I will never know things. Like why adults hurt small children. Why things happen that break your heart into a million pieces. Why you try to protect your loved ones, but sometimes you just can't. I let these questions GO.
And without taking any time or any love away from my children and my sister's children and my family. I poured into myself. I finally felt myself becoming stronger. Not only mentally or physically with my health journey but spiritually. I felt closer to God, and I felt my purpose. I found myself, and even though I didn't know it through all of these hardships, I WAS strong, and I was ENOUGH. I was doing everything I could and more.
Then we had to put our beloved dog Zombie down because she was sick with cancer and could no longer control her bladder. This ROCKED our family. DEVASTATED our kids. She was their best friend, and it was tough for them and all of us.
Then we lost my father in law and it was brutal on my husband and my kids, then we lost my stepfather, which I took very hard, then six months later, my biological mother got breast cancer and had to have a breast removed. There wasn't much time to recover in between blows or, as I like to call them ….waves. Our world was ROCKED, and our boat was tipping. Our boat was tipping A LOT.
AND
Speaking of waves….
WAVE NUMBER 3
Which are currently becoming whitecaps out in the stormy sea as we speak and getting ready to rock my white sandy beaches.
We have a family member who is currently missing and without getting into too much detail because I feel it would be unfair to the rest of this family at this time…we believe there was foul play involved. We are all dangling at the biggest edge of the biggest cliff, right now as we speak. We don't entirely know what is coming our way, but we have an idea, and we WILL UNITE, and WE WILL persevere, and WE WILL hold hands and come together and be gentle with each other and do whatever it is we have to do. And I believe I am strong enough to help my family through this wave. We pray still it won't turn out badly, and we are holding on by that little tiny thread of light just to get us through. But even so. I know there is always going to be a light. A big bright one with the Lord in the middle, and I believe we will be ok.
I've had three flat tires in a month, one car in the shop twice to be repaired, and my brand new 20,000 camper just flooded. I have two teenaged children…one that likes to push limits and scare the holy bejesus out of me in the middle of the night and test all the waters… and just literally called me to tell me her battery is dead…yes, that's the car that has been in the shop twice. Oh yeah, and there is also a worldwide pandemic and riots going on. But I still get up every single day, flip on my camera, say hi to the world, and do what I love doing. Helping others find that CLICK, that LIGHTBULB, that FIRE in the pit of their stomachs to change and put the work in - better themselves. I laugh a little each time I get phone calls now when it's about flat tires and car repairs, and my daughter needs a ride from 2 towns away on a Sunday night, and it's 8 pm. I laugh because these are small things that used to piss me off. But now I see them as easy small little ripple waves.
There will be more BIG waves, and there will be smaller ripple waves. And I won't be ready. I will be stronger this time around, and even if I have to drop to my knees again and again. I will get up, and I will be ok. There have been other waves before these, but I feel that those waters have calmed and smoothed out, but that doesn't mean I still don't carry the scars. I've just steadied my boat.
Now I will never treat myself with unkind words. Sometimes when I am overwhelmed with hard things, I talk to myself and say… You're all right…you are all right… you're ok…. until I center. I will always put myself first to be the best possible me for my family and GOD. I no longer think of parts of my life as a nightmare but rather a season of growing and learning. I thank God for the years my husband had to grow and become a stronger father and person…without those years locked away, this could be a different story. I praise God my children were so young that they don't remember things that might have crushed them. And I believe wholeheartedly one hundred percent that people change. I believe most people are good. I believe in families sticking together; I believe that you have it in you to get through some very tough waves and battles in life, just like my family and I did and are doing still. I believe that you are tougher than you think. I believe God made us all strong. I believe change can be beautiful. If you look at things in a different light, you will see the sun where shadows once were. I also believe you need the dark, and that is a part of life. I believe that I am 36 years old, and my story is far from over. I believe in between these waves; we have the best of memories as well….kayaking, long sunny days at the lake grilling food and swimming, 16th birthdays, learners permits, family get-togethers for nieces and nephews…the ones at my sisters are the best!...new jobs, working together as a family on the house remodel, bike rides, watching sunsets on the front porch, and just waking up every single day and having each other. And I believe that no matter what, I'll always be ok. And so will you.
-"You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf."-JON KABAT-ZINN
Wave #4…to be continued…
Hi friend!
Welcome to Bright Light.
I'm Catia, a woman, wife, mama, sister, friend, daughter -- you know -- I wear a million hats just like you.
Here at Bright Light, I help parents worldwide enjoy their lives and enjoy their kids.
Family life can be beautiful, but it's not easy. A day in a family can be filled with heartache, guilt, hugs, crying, laughing, and rushing from one place to another.
I help parents create the home life they've always wanted and an environment that feels good for everyone. I teach parents how to strengthen their marriages and relationships with their children.
I believe in the power of parents and families to support and encourage each family member and then take that energy and make the world a better place.
You have the strength to break behavioral patterns, heal intergenerational trauma, and nurture your family in the way you have always wanted to.
To each session, I bring my training as a Certified Conscious Coach, my graduate studies in Marriage and Family Therapy, and my decade-long career as an author and keynote speaker. My approach is multi-cultural, grounded in research and my own experience as the mama of two young girls.
If I could choose ten words that best describe me, I would say: honest, welcoming, giving, curious, loving, earnest, empathetic, spiritual, playful, and sassy. Let's add: adventurous. That's 11.
Nice to meet you!
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