Saying Goodbye

Beau came to me when he was 4 months old, a rescue. The rescue center promised my then boyfriend that the dog, then named Snoop Dog, would only grow to be 45 pounds. When Snoop Dog showed up as my Christmas present I was not the happiest camper. I didn’t think I had the time or money for a dog. Turns out I did.

But surely he couldn’t keep the name, Snoop Dog. My goodness.

I was 21 or so and loved all things sports, so I thought about naming him Major or Mack, because I did graduate from UT after all. But those didn’t seem to fit.

Bo Jackson was my favorite athlete growing up. I mean, who was more amazing than Bo Jackson? But my dog looked more distinguished than a “B O” or so I thought, so I gave him a little southern flare. Beau. He would be Beau Jackson.

Beau and I became fast friends and then I became his mommy, and he became my Beau Beau. I worked in hospitality through all of my twenties and early thirties, which meant long hours. Which meant Beau needed a mid-shift break. I’m not kidding.

I would ask, plea, and at some point pay (I think) my cousin, my Comads and my brother, David, and anyone else who had time to go walk Beau in the middle of my work shifts. I was so crazy about it, I even made these people, doing me a favor, sign in and out with a time stamp. I was crazy in love with Beau and also a little crazy. I wanted the best for him.

Beau lived with me in Houston and then Austin, and then we made the long trek back to the RGV. Beau was with me through ALL the boyfriends, always gracious, maybe thinking to himself, how long are we going to be around this guy?

Back in our heyday, he and I would run to the park, soccer ball in hand and then play soccer together. My gosh. The legs he and I used to have. Greeks were jealous.

Beau went with me on road trips, to the lake, the beach, and always a welcome guest.

One day, I was thinking about dating this one guy – we’ll call him Bob. And Bob said, I’d like for you to come visit me, I can’t wait to see you! And then he said, but your dog has to sleep outside. I said, no way. Beau’s with me. He said, you’re picking your dog over me? I said, I don’t even have to think about it. Beau was my priority.

Every August we celebrated Beau’s birthday. The first few years, digital cameras weren’t really a thing – so I don’t have too many photos, but we’d celebrate with cake. Not special dog cake, Pilsbury cake, because – let’s get serious, I wanted it. And I knew he’d like it. Some years it was a swim at the lake, other years it was a dog party, but every single year, a cake, birthday hats and singing. Eventually the gig was up and so I started buying him special dog cake.  

When Beau was 5, he started to have leg surgeries. My goodness. Over the course of his life, Beau had 5-6 surgeries, maybe more, and they each cost a pretty penny. I went half-and-half with a boyfriend one time, maxed out my credit card 3-4 times and then I finally wised up and started saving some money for Beau’s fund. Every surgery, he was a champ. Beau was half Great Dane and half Black Labrador, so his legs were finicky. But he was strong and so beautiful. The most handsome. The King of Kings like my mom called him.

A few weeks ago I realized that God gave me Beau. Beau was God’s hands here on earth, working on me and growing me.

When I met Beau, I did not know how to care for someone or something and I certainly didn’t know how to love. Beau taught me dedication, devotion, consistency.

Love is an action, love happens every day, love feels good.

Beau walked me through my single years, moved with me to countless houses and apartments. He even entertained my stint with a neighborhood cat, Charles. He and Charles were precious. Every night when I’d get home from work, Beau and Charles and I would walk around our apartment complex together. It was a sight to see. A 100 pound dog, an 8 pound tailless cat, and me, free walking, no leashes, together.

Beau walked me into womanhood.  Beau walked me into being a wife, and a mother of two girls. I can say with absolute certainty that I would not be the woman I am today without Beau’s spirit, without his steady nature, without his love.

Beau took every change in our lives with grace. New car? Let’s do it! New house? Let’s give it a try! New food? Okay! New baby? Okay! Another new baby? Sounds good! New bed? That is what I’m talking about!

Then a year ago, our family dog, Mischa passed away. She was 14 and Beau was 12. And just after she passed, he started to let go a little. It was as if he was letting her get all the love and care she needed, and then when she passed, there was space for him to get care. So for the last year, Beau’s body has been loved on and cared for – extra.

A few months ago, Beau’s leg function really started to decline and he began needing assistance getting up and down stairs, then no stairs at all, and his joints just kept deteriorating. And I started to really think, wow, this is really happening. How do I do this?

I knew that I wanted to honor Beau in the highest way I knew how. I knew I wanted to send him out and into the next chapter of his life wrapped in love. I wanted him to be joyful and peaceful.

But how?

I watched him and talked to him. I literally had conversations with him. I said, “Hey Boo Boo Bear, this is what’s going on, what do you think?” And we would just sit and exchange energy. I would feel him and he would feel me.

I called in my therapist who does Quantum Healing, and she helped us. I called in a specialist who does energy healing, and we had sessions with her. I took him to his Orthopedic Specialist, we sought help from everyone. He was on prescription medication, yes, but also a ton of natural supplements and essential oils and flower essences.

Some of you may think I’m crazy, and that’s okay. I know, these things sound out of the norm. Energy healer? Flower essences? Yes. I believe in these methods 1,000% percent.

When Beau could no longer walk up and down stairs, Guapo and the girls and I moved our life to the first floor.

Then a few weeks ago, I started to overnight next to him, on the floor. We would just have an old school slumber party. It was a great feeling, like he was a puppy sleeping in my bed again.

Then last week, I left to California for a meditation retreat. While I was there, I focused on Beau, on his energy. I focused on connecting with him and wrapping him in white light. I dedicated every yoga, Qigong, and mediation session to him. As much as my little brain and spirit could concentrate on him, I did.

When I got back to Austin, Beau hurt his leg so bad that he was wincing when I tried to move him, and then I knew, it was time.

I called in the energy healers again and made an appointment for Beau to get his angel wings.

Making the decision to call, and the call itself is indescribable.

We spent his last days enjoying the sun and green grass as much as we could, eating treats and being so very close to each other. I made our slumber party room beautiful with candles and flowers. If we were sitting or lying, we were touching and syncing breaths.

And then this morning, as the sun was shining. Beau and I shared worship music, bacon, a spring breeze and his last moments. He looked handsome and had joy in his heart, even on his final day.

Two things.

I am in grief. After Beau left our home today, I showered and let the water run over me and I closed my eyes, and for a split second, I had no idea where I was. I had to open my eyes and touch the shower walls to check-in.

And

Thank you, God. Thank you for Beau. Thank you for sending Beau Jackson, to be your hands here on earth for me. He is one of the greats.

--

Beau Jackson,

Quite a love letter, huh buddy? I know. Listen, you’re my guy. This is just the beginning of me loving on you in your new form. Remember, I told you we’d be able to feel each other on the other side? Well here we are. This is the start of that. Mommy feels you, here, right now. The space you occupy in my heart will continue to get bigger and bigger. Beau Jackson, mommy loves you. I’m going to go to sleep now. Let’s meet in our dreams.