The Five Love Languages

Originally published on 9-25-13

Buy the book, The 5 Love Languages.  Read it in one day. Comprehend it in 2-3 days. Practice it forever.

As I was trying to figure out who I was and which way was north, my Mom bought me, The 5 Love Languages for Singles. Ha!

I read it once, but it didn’t really sink in. Until one day, I needed it to.

I hit a rough patch with my now husband.  A ROUGH spot.

I thought, “I am going to pull out all the stops.” I was determined to not make the same mistakes I had in the past, so I got really still and rolled up my sleeves.  I was determined to do give this relationship the best chance it had at survival. He was trying, I was trying, but somehow we were missing the target with each other. So, I pulled out the book and read it. Reading was not quite enough for me so I downloaded the book on itunes and listened to it to and from work. It’s not Justin Timberlake, but I knew there was important information I needed.

A few plays through book, I realized I was not bringing my 100% to the table.

I have learned that to be in a good relationship, both people have to be responsible for their 100%. Among other things, each person has to bring love to the table, in the way that their partner receives love.  Think of your relationship.  Do you feel loved? Does the person you are in a relationship with feel loved?

This book, The 5 Love Languages gives you tools to make sure that both people feel loved and appreciated.  It helps make sure that both people are being fulfilled. We all give love and receive love in different ways.  This book helps you identify the way you receive love. Can you answer, I feel most loved by my husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend when_________________________?

The 5 Love Languages:

Quality time-Quality time is just that quality time. You feel loved and appreciated when you and your loved one spend time together. Spending time together could be: making dinner and home, a picnic in the park, visiting a museum or watching a movie together. The time spent together says, I am interested in you and your interests. I love you and so I want to spend time with you.

Touch- Touch comes in many forms. It comes as a kiss on the cheek, as making love, as kisses in private and in public. Touch comes as holding hands while crossing a busy street or by someone placing their hand on your shoulder. Some people grow up with touch and some don’t. It’s easier for some people to convey love through touch than it is for others. Do you receive the message of love through touch?

Gifts- Some people feel loved and appreciated when they are given gifts. Gifts don’t have to be big and expensive; they can be small and thoughtful. A written note speaks volumes to a person who loves gifts. A handmade Valentine’s Day card will do the trick too. Other thoughtful examples are: a coffee mug with a thoughtful sentiment on it, a fresh flower, or a new rosary from the Church gift shop. There are many gifts that would convey, “While I was out, I was thinking of you and here’s some proof.”  Gifts that come from loved ones being thoughtful are meaningful. They show that they have listened intently to you AND that they thought of you while they were out running errands. Do you feel loved when people give you gifts?

Words of Affirmation- You feel loved and appreciated when people express to you in words how much they love and how much they are proud of you. “I really love you.” “You are so beautiful.” “You are the great love of my life.” “You are the greatest thing that has ever happened to me.” “You are so handsome; when you’re in the room I don’t see anyone else.” These may seem corny, but they’re not. They are very real to the person being affirmed. Do you feel loved when people tell you how much they love you, or are words not as big a deal as, acts of service?

Acts of Service- You feel most appreciated when your loved ones helps you around the house, or runs an errand for you. Acts of service can be as simple as taking out the trash or as elaborate as hosting out of town family.

As a clue, often people convey love in the way they want to receive love. Often times, our partners, spouses, friends, parents receive love differently than we do.

Could you imagine loving someone and dedicating chunks of time and effort to them without them even recognizing it? Could you imagine cooking and cleaning and ironing your boyfriend’s shirts for days and days and months and months all the while he is saying, “You must not really love me!” Or have you ever been in a relationship where all your significant other ever does is buy you the most amazing gifts and all the while you want them to say how much they are proud of you? You yearn for the day that they say, “Julie, you have made me so proud. I am proud to be your boyfriend.” Couples can go days, months and even years feeling unfulfilled, feeling like maybe their partner doesn’t care or doesn’t love them. They feel this way because they are not speaking each other’s love language. They are not conveying their love in the way their partner best receives it. Love it just love, it isn’t magic.

The best definition of love I have come across is: love is committing to a set of behaviors that have a positive impact on others. Love is positive.

Your life will be SO much easier if you love your partner they way they want to be loved. There’s no sense in feeling love for someone, trying your hardest and have it not work out because there was a miscommunication.  Don’t you want the love you feel for your partner to come through loud and clear?  Love must be nurtured and the relationship where love lives must be nurtured.

If your partner feels your love and knows it unequivocally, they are much more likely to want to reciprocate.  When both people are consciously filling each other’s love’s tank (think of a gas tank) the relationship will grow stronger from daily nurturing.  Every day you will know and feel that your partner loves you and vice versa.  You will think things like, “Nothing can break us now. He/she loves me and I love them and we are solid!” Or “We are a united front. He/she loves me and they show it!” After a few months, keeping your partner’s love tank full will become second nature. Sounds scary, huh? Or does this all sound too, “Self-help section Aisle 8?” It is scary and it is certainly right up with all the foofy self-help ideas, but it is worth it.  You will feel loved and content and so will your partner.  Be the person to take the first step toward strengthening your relationship. You both deserve it!  

P.S.- This works on all relationships: parents, family, friends, children, co-workers. It’s very effective.

Love is just love. It takes an earnest effort to make it a lifetime. 

What Actually Matters?

Originally published on 9-7-13

A few years ago my girlfriend and I were moseying along South Congress and we stopped into the Hotel Saint Cecilia bar to have a drink. After we sat down the bartender asked for our room key.  I told him that we weren’t staying on property; we were just there for a cocktail.  He politely informed us that the bar was only available to hotel guests, and a few minutes later we were back, moseying along South Congress.

I walked out slightly bummed but since the bartender was so polite, I was intrigued.

I thought, one day, when it’s a super special occasion, I’ll stay there.

Fast forward to super special occasion, July 26th, 2013. Guapo proposed, we were officially engaged and planning commenced.

Part of the planning was booking a hotel room for our wedding night. As soon as Guapo gave me a hint of support for booking a room at the HSC, I was on it.  It is possible that I booked it while he was finishing his declaration of support. “Sure, I think a room at the HSC would be…..” “Click.” Booked. I was thrilled! Hotel Saint Cecilia, here we come!

I booked it for two nights, August 28th the night before our wedding and August 29th our wedding night.  My plans were to hang with my girlfriends, enjoy some extra time at the hotel and get ready for the big day, of course!

A few days out Guapo suggested that the night before the wedding I should sleep wherever I’d get the most rest and be most peaceful. He said he loved me and understood if I wanted to get some extra girl time and that we’d have plenty of nights together after. I felt he sincerely meant either location.

As I was mulling it over my sleeping situation I thought about Sex and City, the movie. Carrie and Big get engaged. Their wedding planning starts off intimate and then snowballs into a huge NYC sized production. They have intense drama and spend the next year trying to get back to where they started, cozy.

In the four weeks of wedding planning I made a concerted effort to keep everything as cool and casual as possible. I wasn’t zen, I just did my best. I never wanted to have the cake topper not coming in overshadow the importance of us committing our lives to each other. In the same vein, we had a teeny wedding of 25. This was our way of focusing on the marriage and not the production of a wedding.

It must be said that I delight in attending large, festive weddings.  If those work for you, I am thrilled and please invite me to yours! I will show up in your wedding video dancing like a fool.  However, a big fat Mexican wedding just doesn’t suit our personality as a couple.

Back to the task as hand -- deciding whether or not to stay at the hotel the night before our wedding. 

As I was trying to figure it out I thought, “What will bring me/us the most peace and which choice will highlight the reason of honor so to speak?”  I thought, “I am committing my life to this person tomorrow and my priority is staying in a cooler than cool hotel?” It just didn’t sit well with me. By 3pm on the 28th I had decided. Home was where I would stay. 

I stayed at home and our fabulous to die for hotel room, where movie stars stay, stayed empty.

We slept in our bed together and woke up together. We have a beautiful morning routine that I guard intently and I guarded it that day too. There was no way we were going to start this marriage focusing on RSVPs, dinner selections or other people’s preferences. Family and friends were in town and buzzing around but we didn’t let that cut into our morning time either.

On the morning of our wedding day we read newspapers, sipped hot almond milk lattes and enjoyed each other’s company. At 9am we kissed goodbye and agreed to see each other at 4:45pm, ceremony time.

It’s so easy, especially during big moments like a wedding day, to get worked up and focus on a million little things: different personalities, schedules, rentals, linens, weather and even the groom’s attire.

Those are all little things and in the end they don’t matter. And if we’re keeping things in perspective, they don’t matter, ever.

Take a moment to write down what matters to you. It will help keep you on track.

My focus for this event is:_____________

My goal today is:____________________

I am here today to:___________________.

Don’t let your mood or perspective or goals get polluted by all the junk floating around in your orbit. I encourage you to stay peaceful and hang onto what matters most to you. 

Charles the Magic Cat

Originally published on 7-26-12

Monday morning I woke up heartbroken because Sunday afternoon I found Charles lying under a car and he had passed away from a snake bite. The left side of my face was buried in my pillow and I had been awake no more than two or three minutes before tears started rolling down my cheeks and soaking my pillow. I had gone to bed crying and woke up crying. It’s like my body said, “that’s enough for today, take these 6 hours of rest and use them wisely, and we’ll pick up where we left off in the morning.”

Charles was my 3 year old cat. I claimed him, but he was really everyone’s cat. If you were open to receiving love from a 10 pound rescue cat with a teeny nub for a tail, he’d pour it on.  

Charles came to my brother Carlos and me a few years ago at our home on Maple Street. He nudged his way into our home and our hearts. The Hernandez clan was a rock solid dog family; no cat had ever been able to woo us into keeping it, but Charles worked his magic.  He gradually progressed from eating whatever deli meat we left out to, getting all fixed up at the vet (on our first trip to the vet I walked him in on a leash, oopsie--I had only had a dog up until then!) to getting his own Christmas stocking, and the clincher was that when Beau and I moved from McAllen to Austin—Charles made the trip with us. We were a little family.

He was from McAllen but had a South Austin personality. Charles was relaxed, friendly and loving, but never lost his edge (one time he brought me a mangled rabbit and left it on my front door as a gift.)  He made friends with everyone, including dogs and squirrels and the most cynical of cat critics. Sometimes he’d even join Beau and me at the dog park. And even sometimes, as my neighbor confessed, if Charles was in a particularly charming mood, he could convince you that his diet lacked fried fish sticks. Slick.

Like a lot of our pets that come from loving homes, he lived the best of lives; some may even say he lived the perfect life. He was taken care of in every way and was also allowed all the freedom that he desired. Isn’t that a nice sentiment, to be loved how you need and to be allowed the freedom to stretch your wings?  Sounds like my dream situation. Charles’ routine was to greet me when I got home, eat dinner, shuffle out the front door, explore his little area of the world, come home in time for breakfast, get a good 10 hours of sleep in his bed and start fresh.

Charles is gone now, but each time I see reminders of him, I smile and thank the universe that it loaned me Charles and his spirit for a time, however short. As an ode to my last entry, it takes time, but the joy does supersede the hurt.

My little Charles was golden. Let’s take a page from Charles and: learn to make friends wherever we go, live exactly the way we want, and never lose our edge.