I wrote this six months ago, at the beginning of 2022. I can honestly say, it’s even more true now. I have learned to really settle into my life and be grateful for every moment. I truly am content, and it’s such a blessing.

I ordered this gift for Guapo and for us - to remind us that these are the days.

I want to share a personal story about how I have recently let go of a really big dream.

I felt pulled in two different directions from the moment I became a mom.

One direction was a career, and the other was home. And not just any career, a grand career, one where I would wield a microphone and energy in an arena, one where I would speak to thousands at a time. I have always felt like I was meant for great things, and those were great things.

When I arrived at UT as a freshman, I arrived with the thought that I was going to be "Pre-med." The fact that I hated math and science didn't matter, "Pre-med" was the fanciest, most applause-worthy thing a freshman could say – so that's what I said. I knew enough to know that I needed to play the game well, and that was the next right move. Then I figured out that I would have thousands of hours of math and science ahead of me, so I pivoted. I didn't know what I "wanted to be," so I picked the next fanciest, most applause-worthy thing, "Pre-law." Bless my 18-year-old heart. School started, and since I was in business school, all my friends were studying business, and they seemed fine, so I eventually chose – marketing.

And that's how a lot of my decisions have been made.

What's the fanciest, most applause-worthy thing? Then I point my toes in that direction.

It has always been an easy enough formula.

Sometimes I achieve it or get it, and sometimes I don't. When I reach it, I feel like, "okay, good, we're on track! We are doing this thing called LIFE." And when I don't achieve it, I think, "I'm not working hard enough, I need to try harder, maybe I don't have what it takes."

It's like my congratulatory self has never met my motivate by meanness self.

A few years ago, when we lived in Panama, I started to unravel all of this and become aware of my motivations. And one day, I was reading about one of my role models, and I was watching her wield a microphone and speak to thousands of women at a time, and I thought – I don't want to pay the price she is paying. I don't want to get on airplanes all the time; I don't want to be away from my kids like that; I don't want to strive in that way.

It was the first time I had ever thought anything but BE THE BEST, and it was weird. Was this how I felt or was I just lazy and complacent?

We moved back from Panama, and soon after, COVID hit, and the world turned upside down.

I became aware of how fragile life is. There was death and tragedy all around, and there was no rhyme or reason, no way to explain or justify it. Things were bad for some people and not for others, not because some people were bad – but because hurt and heartache knocks on all our doors. No one was exempt.

So I started to think, if I'm only here for a certain amount of time, if Guapo is only here for a certain amount of time, if my kids can be taken from me for no reason, I'd better make the most of the time I have with them.

This sounds morbid, but it's the truth. None of us are guaranteed a damn thing. In the blink of an eye, our lives could change.

Some of you know that Guapo deals with chronic illness, and these illnesses have pushed us to the brink many times. It's not something I share often and wouldn't share details about, but having this as part of our lives has significantly shaped us. It has made me stronger and more able than I ever thought I would have to be.

A few months into COVID, I had a business coach/astrology session, and during it, the coach asked me to envision myself on a stage, speaking to thousands of people. She asked me to imagine what I was wearing, how I felt, what it sounded like. And then she asked me, "How do you feel right now?" And I said, "I have a knot in my stomach." "Is it because you're scared of that moment?" "No," I replied. "But if I'm on stage, my kids are at home without me."

This is not to say that my experience is what everyone should or does feel; it's only to say that I feel.

On the one hand, I thought I was supposed to go after the fanciest and most applause-worthy thing, and on the other hand, I didn't want to pay the price for that thing. These were the two different directions, be a mom in the way I want or have a big fancy career.

A month ago, I was at a Christmas party, and I was meeting new friends, and after a bit of conversation, someone said, "You're the most interesting person I've met this year." "Thanks," and my heart swelled. "Thank you." And I started to think about my life.

I study what I love (soon, I'll be a marriage and family therapist!), I work with people I love through Bright Light; I am making a difference in people's hearts and within their families and homes. I love my husband; I have two kids I love and enjoy, a space heater for my feet underneath my desk, dark chocolate after the kids go to sleep, breath in my lungs – and sometimes even a fun nail polish color. I spend most of my time doing what I WANT to do, which is a huge blessing. But then… the different directions, no microphone, no arena. Is it a failure, complacency, or a choice?

A few weeks after the Christmas party, my family got sick from what we thought was COVID, and I was reminded of how fragile life is – again. It was Guapo's third time with COVID, Alexandra's second time, and Luci's first time. My heart was breaking, and I pleaded for guidance. And as God does, God sent me guidance in the form of Kate Bowler.

Kate Bowler is a professor of divinity at Duke and an author and podcaster. She writes from the perspective of a woman, wife, and mom who was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. She has dealt with heartbreak, tragedy, and grief and shares about it in a way that few do. During a podcast, she shared that she made a sign for her husband and son that said, YOU ARE MY BUCKET LIST. She wanted them to know that she loves them and wants to be WITH them.

So many times, we hear about bucket lists, and they are about traveling, building businesses, and physical challenges, not usually about relationships. Kate said that it was okay to center your life on people and relationships. What? Was that allowed? That's not fancy or applause-worthy; there's no arena or microphone; that's everyday life.

At that moment, the chasm that I felt for the entirety of my motherhood vanished. It's like someone was permitting me to love my home life, to be satisfied with my husband and kids and family.

Yes, I thought. This feels right.

I cried tears of relief, my shoulders dropped, and I settled into the notion that my life was good and it was okay for me not to want anything else, not to feel like there was a void.

I went home and shared it with Guapo. I told about Kate Bowler, and YOU ARE MY BUCKET LIST. And I told him that our life and our home were my bucket list and that I wanted to be with him. My head was lying on the pillow, tears ran sideways, and told him how I always thought that "people" (God knows who these people are because I couldn't name ONE, but PEOPLE) were going to think I chose motherhood as a copout, that I couldn't make it as a fancy applause-worthy person, so instead I focused on being a mom. I don't even remember what he replied because it was such a relief to get that out of my body where it has been rotting and festering. I let it all go.

I want our time together to be intentional, to matter. I don't want to look back on my life and realize that I missed it because I was lamenting some imaginary thing I thought I needed to do. What a shame it would be to miss all the blessings in front of me for a belief, for an expectation that I absorbed along the way. Instead, I choose to be present, satisfied, and even proud of my choice.

Beliefs are powerful; they can lift us or tear us down. They can make us feel good or make us feel crazy. It's scary to let go of the belief because it feels like a free fall, like," I've done it this way for so long, I can't afford to let it go." Or "what if my belief is true and I fall flat on my face, and people reject me?" "What if I let go of the belief, and I suffer the pain of not belonging?" I know these thoughts and how scary they can be.

For me, the scariest lie my ego tells me is, "What if I am ordinary? What if I am not special?" That one goes to the core for me. And so, letting that go was like letting go of a life vest and trusting that my ego is wrong and my true self can swim.

Further, it's like a way of saying, I am enough. My life is enough. What I give is enough. I am not worthy because of what I do; I am worthy because I am.

Friend, are you doing something FOR worth, or are you doing it FROM worth? FOR or FROM?

In my work with clients, I often teach from this vantage point. This is a staple in my teaching. And I teach it because I have worked through all sorts of layers of myself, figuring out why I do what I do and letting the unaligned parts slough off. But this one was a new frontier for me.

Sometimes these realizations take time and experience. I'm not sure I would have gotten here without a lot of heartaches. There's something so transformative about heartache; it makes you raw, vulnerable and connected. It pushes you to figure out what matters to you and why it matters, and it reminds you that life is precious. Could I have known this at 18 or 25? I don't think so, and that's okay; different lessons were learned then.

If you feel like you are being pulled in different directions, you're not alone. If you feel like fancy and applause-worthy things are the way to go for you, go for it; you're not alone. And if you feel like a quiet, patched-together life where you are in yoga pants and reading mushy books to your kids is for you, go for it; you're not alone. There is no one at the finish line handing out worthiness certificates; nothing we can do can MAKE us worthy. No degree, business, relationship, weight, or career can shift us into worthiness. The worthiness comes from the inside; it's the starting point. And good news, you're there. You're worthy because – you are.

Hi friend!

Welcome to Bright Light.

I'm Catia, a woman, wife, mama, sister, friend, daughter -- you know -- I wear a million hats just like you.

Here at Bright Light, I help parents worldwide enjoy their lives and enjoy their kids.

Family life can be beautiful, but it's not easy. A day in a family can be filled with heartache, guilt, hugs, crying, laughing, and rushing from one place to another.

I help parents create the home life they've always wanted and an environment that feels good for everyone. I teach parents how to strengthen their marriages and relationships with their children.

I believe in the power of parents and families to support and encourage each family member and then take that energy and make the world a better place.

You have the strength to break behavioral patterns, heal intergenerational trauma, and nurture your family in the way you have always wanted to.

To each session, I bring my training as a Certified Conscious Coach, my graduate studies in Marriage and Family Therapy, and my decade-long career as an author and keynote speaker. My approach is multi-cultural, grounded in research and my own experience as the mama of two young girls.

If I could choose ten words that best describe me, I would say: honest, welcoming, giving, curious, loving, earnest, empathetic, spiritual, playful, and sassy. Let's add: adventurous. That's 11.

Nice to meet you!

Want to start feeling really good but not sure where to start? Jump on into our virtual classroom (complimentary of course!) and get a guide on how to walk with confidence and joy! You are divine. You are magic. I look forward to serving you!

Curious about what a session with me is like? Want to just kind of get a little sampler? I would too! Coaching is a big investment. Also think, how long have you been burdened with THIS and how great would it feel to be liberated from that weigh on your heart, that dark cloud following you around.

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