Choices, Complacency, Bucket Lists And Worth
I wrote this six months ago, at the beginning of 2022. I can honestly say, it’s even more true now. I have learned to really settle into my life and be grateful for every moment. I truly am content, and it’s such a blessing.
I ordered this gift for Guapo and for us - to remind us that these are the days.
I want to share a personal story about how I have recently let go of a really big dream.
I felt pulled in two different directions from the moment I became a mom.
One direction was a career, and the other was home. And not just any career, a grand career, one where I would wield a microphone and energy in an arena, one where I would speak to thousands at a time. I have always felt like I was meant for great things, and those were great things.
When I arrived at UT as a freshman, I arrived with the thought that I was going to be "Pre-med." The fact that I hated math and science didn't matter, "Pre-med" was the fanciest, most applause-worthy thing a freshman could say – so that's what I said. I knew enough to know that I needed to play the game well, and that was the next right move. Then I figured out that I would have thousands of hours of math and science ahead of me, so I pivoted. I didn't know what I "wanted to be," so I picked the next fanciest, most applause-worthy thing, "Pre-law." Bless my 18-year-old heart. School started, and since I was in business school, all my friends were studying business, and they seemed fine, so I eventually chose – marketing.
And that's how a lot of my decisions have been made.
What's the fanciest, most applause-worthy thing? Then I point my toes in that direction.
It has always been an easy enough formula.
Sometimes I achieve it or get it, and sometimes I don't. When I reach it, I feel like, "okay, good, we're on track! We are doing this thing called LIFE." And when I don't achieve it, I think, "I'm not working hard enough, I need to try harder, maybe I don't have what it takes."
It's like my congratulatory self has never met my motivate by meanness self.
A few years ago, when we lived in Panama, I started to unravel all of this and become aware of my motivations. And one day, I was reading about one of my role models, and I was watching her wield a microphone and speak to thousands of women at a time, and I thought – I don't want to pay the price she is paying. I don't want to get on airplanes all the time; I don't want to be away from my kids like that; I don't want to strive in that way.
It was the first time I had ever thought anything but BE THE BEST, and it was weird. Was this how I felt or was I just lazy and complacent?
We moved back from Panama, and soon after, COVID hit, and the world turned upside down.
I became aware of how fragile life is. There was death and tragedy all around, and there was no rhyme or reason, no way to explain or justify it. Things were bad for some people and not for others, not because some people were bad – but because hurt and heartache knocks on all our doors. No one was exempt.
So I started to think, if I'm only here for a certain amount of time, if Guapo is only here for a certain amount of time, if my kids can be taken from me for no reason, I'd better make the most of the time I have with them.
This sounds morbid, but it's the truth. None of us are guaranteed a damn thing. In the blink of an eye, our lives could change.
Some of you know that Guapo deals with chronic illness, and these illnesses have pushed us to the brink many times. It's not something I share often and wouldn't share details about, but having this as part of our lives has significantly shaped us. It has made me stronger and more able than I ever thought I would have to be.
A few months into COVID, I had a business coach/astrology session, and during it, the coach asked me to envision myself on a stage, speaking to thousands of people. She asked me to imagine what I was wearing, how I felt, what it sounded like. And then she asked me, "How do you feel right now?" And I said, "I have a knot in my stomach." "Is it because you're scared of that moment?" "No," I replied. "But if I'm on stage, my kids are at home without me."
This is not to say that my experience is what everyone should or does feel; it's only to say that I feel.
On the one hand, I thought I was supposed to go after the fanciest and most applause-worthy thing, and on the other hand, I didn't want to pay the price for that thing. These were the two different directions, be a mom in the way I want or have a big fancy career.
A month ago, I was at a Christmas party, and I was meeting new friends, and after a bit of conversation, someone said, "You're the most interesting person I've met this year." "Thanks," and my heart swelled. "Thank you." And I started to think about my life.
I study what I love (soon, I'll be a marriage and family therapist!), I work with people I love through Bright Light; I am making a difference in people's hearts and within their families and homes. I love my husband; I have two kids I love and enjoy, a space heater for my feet underneath my desk, dark chocolate after the kids go to sleep, breath in my lungs – and sometimes even a fun nail polish color. I spend most of my time doing what I WANT to do, which is a huge blessing. But then… the different directions, no microphone, no arena. Is it a failure, complacency, or a choice?
A few weeks after the Christmas party, my family got sick from what we thought was COVID, and I was reminded of how fragile life is – again. It was Guapo's third time with COVID, Alexandra's second time, and Luci's first time. My heart was breaking, and I pleaded for guidance. And as God does, God sent me guidance in the form of Kate Bowler.
Kate Bowler is a professor of divinity at Duke and an author and podcaster. She writes from the perspective of a woman, wife, and mom who was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. She has dealt with heartbreak, tragedy, and grief and shares about it in a way that few do. During a podcast, she shared that she made a sign for her husband and son that said, YOU ARE MY BUCKET LIST. She wanted them to know that she loves them and wants to be WITH them.
So many times, we hear about bucket lists, and they are about traveling, building businesses, and physical challenges, not usually about relationships. Kate said that it was okay to center your life on people and relationships. What? Was that allowed? That's not fancy or applause-worthy; there's no arena or microphone; that's everyday life.
At that moment, the chasm that I felt for the entirety of my motherhood vanished. It's like someone was permitting me to love my home life, to be satisfied with my husband and kids and family.
Yes, I thought. This feels right.
I cried tears of relief, my shoulders dropped, and I settled into the notion that my life was good and it was okay for me not to want anything else, not to feel like there was a void.
I went home and shared it with Guapo. I told about Kate Bowler, and YOU ARE MY BUCKET LIST. And I told him that our life and our home were my bucket list and that I wanted to be with him. My head was lying on the pillow, tears ran sideways, and told him how I always thought that "people" (God knows who these people are because I couldn't name ONE, but PEOPLE) were going to think I chose motherhood as a copout, that I couldn't make it as a fancy applause-worthy person, so instead I focused on being a mom. I don't even remember what he replied because it was such a relief to get that out of my body where it has been rotting and festering. I let it all go.
I want our time together to be intentional, to matter. I don't want to look back on my life and realize that I missed it because I was lamenting some imaginary thing I thought I needed to do. What a shame it would be to miss all the blessings in front of me for a belief, for an expectation that I absorbed along the way. Instead, I choose to be present, satisfied, and even proud of my choice.
Beliefs are powerful; they can lift us or tear us down. They can make us feel good or make us feel crazy. It's scary to let go of the belief because it feels like a free fall, like," I've done it this way for so long, I can't afford to let it go." Or "what if my belief is true and I fall flat on my face, and people reject me?" "What if I let go of the belief, and I suffer the pain of not belonging?" I know these thoughts and how scary they can be.
For me, the scariest lie my ego tells me is, "What if I am ordinary? What if I am not special?" That one goes to the core for me. And so, letting that go was like letting go of a life vest and trusting that my ego is wrong and my true self can swim.
Further, it's like a way of saying, I am enough. My life is enough. What I give is enough. I am not worthy because of what I do; I am worthy because I am.
Friend, are you doing something FOR worth, or are you doing it FROM worth? FOR or FROM?
In my work with clients, I often teach from this vantage point. This is a staple in my teaching. And I teach it because I have worked through all sorts of layers of myself, figuring out why I do what I do and letting the unaligned parts slough off. But this one was a new frontier for me.
Sometimes these realizations take time and experience. I'm not sure I would have gotten here without a lot of heartaches. There's something so transformative about heartache; it makes you raw, vulnerable and connected. It pushes you to figure out what matters to you and why it matters, and it reminds you that life is precious. Could I have known this at 18 or 25? I don't think so, and that's okay; different lessons were learned then.
If you feel like you are being pulled in different directions, you're not alone. If you feel like fancy and applause-worthy things are the way to go for you, go for it; you're not alone. And if you feel like a quiet, patched-together life where you are in yoga pants and reading mushy books to your kids is for you, go for it; you're not alone. There is no one at the finish line handing out worthiness certificates; nothing we can do can MAKE us worthy. No degree, business, relationship, weight, or career can shift us into worthiness. The worthiness comes from the inside; it's the starting point. And good news, you're there. You're worthy because – you are.
Hi friend!
Welcome to Bright Light.
I'm Catia, a woman, wife, mama, sister, friend, daughter -- you know -- I wear a million hats just like you.
Here at Bright Light, I help parents worldwide enjoy their lives and enjoy their kids.
Family life can be beautiful, but it's not easy. A day in a family can be filled with heartache, guilt, hugs, crying, laughing, and rushing from one place to another.
I help parents create the home life they've always wanted and an environment that feels good for everyone. I teach parents how to strengthen their marriages and relationships with their children.
I believe in the power of parents and families to support and encourage each family member and then take that energy and make the world a better place.
You have the strength to break behavioral patterns, heal intergenerational trauma, and nurture your family in the way you have always wanted to.
To each session, I bring my training as a Certified Conscious Coach, my graduate studies in Marriage and Family Therapy, and my decade-long career as an author and keynote speaker. My approach is multi-cultural, grounded in research and my own experience as the mama of two young girls.
If I could choose ten words that best describe me, I would say: honest, welcoming, giving, curious, loving, earnest, empathetic, spiritual, playful, and sassy. Let's add: adventurous. That's 11.
Nice to meet you!
Want to start feeling really good but not sure where to start? Jump on into our virtual classroom (complimentary of course!) and get a guide on how to walk with confidence and joy! You are divine. You are magic. I look forward to serving you!
Monthly Guide
Curious about what a session with me is like? Want to just kind of get a little sampler? I would too! Coaching is a big investment. Also think, how long have you been burdened with THIS and how great would it feel to be liberated from that weigh on your heart, that dark cloud following you around.
Click here to read in depth testimonials from clients.
Shine your brightest,
Thank you, Madonna Badger
Sweet girls,
I have always been goal-oriented. Set a goal, work toward it, accomplish it. I am not a quitter, and so there isn’t much in my life that I have set out to do and not done.
In my 20s, I had exhilarating jobs. I was constantly around famous people, big events, and big revenue. What excited me as a 22-year-old didn’t faze me as a 25-year-old, and what excited me as a 25-year-old was a tiny blip on the screen as a 28-year-old. And that rhythm of constantly raising the excitement bar higher and higher was easy to continue. It felt good and fun!
At Vanessa’s Birthday Party
Skydiving
Rappelling off a 32 story building in downtown Austin
Each goal accomplished was a stepping-stone to a larger goal. I never took time to enjoy the accomplished goal; I just moved on to the next one. But that was okay because something great was always on the horizon. I was never fully present, but it wasn’t a big deal because I was busy, and it was fun.
In my mid 20’s I was regularly challenging my mind and body (running, skydiving, rappelling off buildings, Tough Muddering) , and working in spaces with people who were excellent. I worked at ACL-Live in downtown Austin and would get to be close to artists who were at the tippy top of their industry. Jay-Z, Aretha Franklin, Tim McGraw - it all became commonplace for me. When I say close, I mean — 10 people in the theatre while the artist does sound check — close. The night Aretha sang, she had a black duffle bag on stage. It was her money. She got paid in all cash and she watched her cash the whole show.
But when I became a mom, all the usual ways I felt excitement were no longer available to me. I had left my jobs and was a stay-at-home mom. I worked inside the home, and there was no excitement to be had—anywhere. I was forced to take stock and evaluate my priorities and my lifestyle.
It was an uncomfortable process. There were many days when I felt deep sadness and loss for the person I had been and the life I’d led. I missed being a career woman. I missed being busy. I missed the excitement. I missed creating revenue. I missed earning income.
Early on in motherhood, in late 2014, I stumbled upon an interview. Oprah Winfrey was interviewing Madonna Badger.
Madonna Badger with Oprah - Source The Today Show
Ms. Badger was explaining her story of unimaginable loss. On Christmas Day 2011, her house caught on fire and burned to the ground. Everyone in it died except her and her boyfriend. Inside the house were her three darling children, Grace, Sarah, and Lily and her parents, Lomer and Pauline Johnson.
Ms. Badger was a high-powered executive in New York City, and she talked about how things might have been “if [she] would have known.” If she had known that the big projects and the late nights never really mattered, she would have focused more on her girls. If she had known that she could have bought a farmhouse in Arkansas and lived a simple life on a farm, that it all would have been okay, she would have done that.
My interpretation of her words and story was that the high-powered job is no trade for a safe, beautiful family life. Her story shot like a bullet to my spirit and changed my perspective.
After hearing her story, and her wisdom gained through tragedy, I started to let go of my version of excitement and began to learn how to be present.
Until I started to have a family, being present (literally and figuratively) wasn’t a priority.
And so, my choice from early on was that I would be the best mother and wife I could be and that my career would get the rest. And so, when it comes to my career, I give it all I’ve got—after I’ve given my family all I’ve got.
As a wife and a mom, I’ve learned that to be present is to create a holy space. To be fully aware, to be still and calm, and radiate love and light—this requires constant vigilance of energy: mental, physical, and spiritual.
Do I think I could accomplish more in my career? Yes, I do.
Does it sting a little when I see others advancing? Yes, it does.
Do I think my choice is for everyone? No.
But do I want to trade accomplishing a bigger goal for not being able to be there with and for my family? Not a chance.
I carry Ms. Badger, Sarah, Grace, and Lily, and her parents, Lomer and Pauline, with me in my heart. Their story, their experience informed my life, and yours.
I love you, Mama
Hi friend!
Welcome to Bright Light.
I'm Catia, a woman, wife, mama, sister, friend, daughter -- you know -- I wear a million hats just like you.
Here at Bright Light, I help parents worldwide enjoy their lives and enjoy their kids.
Family life can be beautiful, but it's not easy. A day in a family can be filled with heartache, guilt, hugs, crying, laughing, and rushing from one place to another.
I help parents create the home life they've always wanted and an environment that feels good for everyone. I teach parents how to strengthen their marriages and relationships with their children.
I believe in the power of parents and families to support and encourage each family member and then take that energy and make the world a better place.
You have the strength to break behavioral patterns, heal intergenerational trauma, and nurture your family in the way you have always wanted to.
To each session, I bring my training as a Certified Conscious Coach, my graduate studies in Marriage and Family Therapy, and my decade-long career as an author and keynote speaker. My approach is multi-cultural, grounded in research and my own experience as the mama of two young girls.
If I could choose ten words that best describe me, I would say: honest, welcoming, giving, curious, loving, earnest, empathetic, spiritual, playful, and sassy. Let's add: adventurous. That's 11.
Nice to meet you!
Want to start feeling really good but not sure where to start? Jump on into our virtual classroom (complimentary of course!) and get a guide on how to walk with confidence and joy! You are divine. You are magic. I look forward to serving you!
Monthly Guide
Curious about what a session with me is like? Want to just kind of get a little sampler? I would too! Coaching is a big investment. Also think, how long have you been burdened with THIS and how great would it feel to be liberated from that weigh on your heart, that dark cloud following you around.
Click here to read in depth testimonials from clients.
Shine your brightest,
“Must be nice.” Words that used to cripple me.
My parents were and are really hard workers (My mom was born in Mexico and migrated to the US, my dad was born in Texas and grew up working on farms,) and they opened their own business in 1982-- and the fact that they were business owners was enough to get people to bully me as a young girl.
Must be nice to have it so good. Must be nice to have it so easy. Must be nice to not have to work so hard. Must be nice to be teacher’s pet.
And the ultimate dread was that they would say these things to me in Spanish. I’d get steamrolled verbally and I couldn’t keep up or respond and I’d just have to walk away with my tail between my legs.
After enough bullying I subconsciously I started to defend my life.
Every time I would encounter a blessing, or something fun and simple like a new outfit, I’d book end it with 9-year-old versions of “But I also encounter struggle.” I’d go off explaining how I too suffer. How life is hard for me from time to time. How I don’t have it all. How I hurt. How my life wasn’t perfect. I’d laugh it off and sometimes throw in some self-deprecating humor – anything to convince my classmates I was worthy of belonging.
The truth of my childhood was that I was blessed.
I had amazing parents who loved me well and kept me safe. I always had food and clean clothes and never wanted for anything. I had birthday parties and Halloween costumes and complete emotional support. I did have nicer things than some of my friends, but not the nicest. My mom drove a blue Toyota Corolla, a grey Astro van and then a maroon Ford Tarus station wagon because if would fit the snare drum that I toted to school every day.
I never felt entitled. I always felt grateful and more than that, a responsibility. A responsibility to do the best with what my parents had worked so hard to give me.
So I did. I worked hard. (I wrote about how my parents gave me the gift of grit here.) I was a good student. I tried my hand and did well at UIL writing, marching band, jazz band, golf – and all sorts of other extracurricular activities.
What I wanted more than anything back then, was for someone to acknowledge my hard work. I wanted my peers to see how much I tried – how much I was earning what I was receiving.
I wanted to be able to be blessed, work hard and also belong.
I started working for and with my parents when I was 8. And every holiday, and summer vacation – while my friends were watching tv and going to the mall, I was working with my parents. I put in a lot of hours. My duties were simple, but I was working. And by the time I was 14, every summer, I was working full-time as a cashier.
I was blessed, I did have it nice, AND I stewarded both well.
What would give me knots and throw me into a shame spiral was when people dismissed my hard work.
And so I learned to sandwich every blessing with difficulty. And over the years it became part of who I was.
Has that ever happened to you? A bad habit just become part of who you are?
I would dim my light and hide my joy because if I was truly standing in all of who I was, I was a target for ridicule.
As I became a wife and mom and continued my path of healing and self-discovery, I started to be curious about this part of myself. The part that wanted everyone to know that I worked hard, that I was deserving, that I was worthy.
It’s still a tender spot for me.
I still guard that part of my heart close.
Photo Credit: Iliasis Muniz
But I have started to shed the layers of shame around “it being nice.”
I am a good person, who takes good care of friends and family and everyone in my world. I am grateful and generous with my time and thoughts and effort. Most of this is not public – and yet I know that I have made a difference in lives of many people for the better. And I do it from a place of sincerity. I want to make the world a better place and I do what I can where I can.
--
It can be hard to share blessings with the world because you’re always putting yourself out there for others to comment, “must be nice,” with an undertone of dismissal.
I am 35 now and learning that it is a disservice to my joy and my life and the lives of those around me if I am constantly tampering down all that I’ve received – whether it be by blessing, fortune, luck, or hard work.
Even right now, my old habits are creeping up and I want to tell you how much I have struggled.
“Everyone lives three lives, public, private and secret.” - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
I want to share with you why I deserve all the goodness in my life. I want to tell you that I am grateful for it. That I treat people well. That I deserve it.
But I’ll stop myself.
I’ll stop myself because I want you to know that you deserve ALL the goodness the Universe and God can send your way with having to defend it.
What would our lives look like and feel like if we accepted all that goodness with grateful heart, enjoyed it and were good stewards of it? Can we begin to lean into that?
May you know you are worthy of a peaceful life.
May you know that you can experience goodness in its fullness without defending yourself.
May you know that you are deserving.
May you know that you have nothing to prove.
May you know that when you rise to the occasion that is your life, it gives us permission to the same.
May you know that more you share the goodness in your life, the more you will receive.
May you know that you belong not despite anything, but because you are.
Feature Image: Abel Riojas Photography
Hi friend!
I'm Catia, a woman, wife, mama, sister, sister friend, you know -- I wear a million hats just like you.
One of my biggest whys is that I want people to feel good about ALL of who they are. Including you.
The threads running through all my work (I’m an author - The Courage to Become, I’m a motivational speaker - TEDx, Choose Joy or Die , I am a private coach ) are hope, joy and empowerment.
If I could choose ten words that best describe me I would say: honest, welcoming, giving, curious, loving, earnest, empathetic, spiritual, playful, and sassy. Let's add: adventurous. That's 11.
Nice to meet you!
Want to start feeling really good but not sure where to start? Jump on into our virtual classroom (complimentary of course!) and get a weekly guide on how to walk with confidence and joy! You are divine. You are magic. I look forward to serving you!
Confidence + Joy Weekly Guide
Shine your brightest,
The Courage to Become | Kim Pena
The “Courage to Become” is such an all-encompassing subject. When I first brainstormed this I thought of things I had “become.”
From a daughter-->friend-->educator-->wife-->mother-->strong woman the list was long but not super interesting. I reached out the Catia and she asked me a simple but powerful question, “What do you feel has been the most difficult for you? What were you most scared of?” I almost immediately responded but then I just sat back and really reflected for a few days because as an adult not much scares me, but that has by no means always been the case.
How did I go from a child who was scared of even speaking to a woman who not only finds strength in herself but works hard to surround herself with a village with other strong and amazing women?
On being young and scared
When I was young I was scared of everything. I don’t know if it was being the youngest child with an older brother who liked to pick on me or watching America’s Most Wanted (John Walsh gave me nightmares for years) but I was afraid of a lot. I grew up with a speech impediment and so I was always on guard. Over time I became not only scared of how I said things but of what I said. I spent my life trying to be who I thought people wanted me to be. I was most afraid of being myself.
I learned early on how to play a role. With friends and even with family I wasn’t fully me, I worked hard to be who I thought they needed or who they wanted me to be.
I learned pretty early on how to manipulate a false connection. I’m not proud, but it’s true. I let people see sides of me, maybe a dramatic side, maybe a loving side, maybe an intellectual side, maybe sometimes a mean side but never authentic me. I sat in fear that that they might figure me out and judge me or worse, hate me.
As a young woman I held my tongue and told myself that it was a good thing. That if I didn’t say certain things I was being strong and picking my battles – but really I was just holding myself in because I was scared.
I was scared of being wrong, scared of being judged, and sometimes even scared of being right.
The only person who I was completely myself around was my mother. I honestly wanted to meet and exceed any goals she had for me but not because I felt pressured. She was the source of love and strength for me. If I have any goals for myself as a mother it is to make my children feel as comfortable with me as I have always felt with her.
On growing up and finding authenticity
During my senior year of college I went to Austin to find a job.
I wanted to move and get clean break from everyone. I had lived by myself once in college (and even though it was a bad part of town and I almost froze to death) it was exhilarating and I couldn’t wait to do it again.
After I landed in Austin, I had coffee with a guy and I tried my basic first date formula, i.e. ask questions all about them, but it failed. He was the first person who saw through all my bullshit and asked me questions that really made me search for honest answers and then challenged me to defend my answers. So, I decided to try something radically different – I tried to be authentic. I spent time on my own and got to really know myself. And while not everyone was happy with the new me, I was able to form some of the most genuine friendships of my life.
Being authentic was definitely harder than I thought. There were still people in my life that I was terrified would judge me. There were people I loved -- and I really wanted to be who they wanted me to be – but it never quite worked. It is so difficult to reflect on whether the choices you have made are your own or someone else’s expectation of you. It is even harder to accept that the choices weren’t yours and aren’t something you wanted or are particularly happy with. The reality is that when you find courage to challenge the people in your life to get to know the authentic you, you can’t control the outcome.
I was heartbroken over some outcomes and relieved at others but either way my fear melted away and I emerged stronger.
On continuing to evolve
I have discovered the truth in the proverb that change is the only constant. In the last decade, everything about me has changed.
And as I grew so did my drive, my empathy, my capacity to love, and my self-will. I give as many chances as people need. I accept and still love those who don’t like me or still see me as the person I once was. I don’t judge, I embrace. I do everything I can to empower other women. I have friends who don’t agree with me on everything and yet we engage in respectful conversation and I adore them. I cherish my family. I make sure every day that my children and husband are loved and appreciated. I don’t hold my tongue, but I listen humbly.
Ladies, if you don’t have the courage to let your voice be heard and become strong enough to speak for yourself then you’ll never be heard. If you don’t love enough to listen, then nothing can ever be fixed.
If I could leave you with one discovery, it would be --
I have become strong not because I let someone in, but because I learned to let myself out.
And that same power, is waiting for you. -Kim
Essay by: Kim Pena
Don't you love Kim's story of how she moved from fear to power?! I was definitely inspired!
For more of Kim and to say Hello :) , head on over to:
The Hill Country Woman / FB/TheHillCountryWoman / Insta-TheHillCountryWoman
Hi friend!
I'm Catia, a woman, wife, mama, sister, sister friend, you know -- I wear a million hats just like you.
One of my biggest whys is that I want people to feel good about ALL of who they are. Including you.
The threads running through all my work (I’m an author - The Courage to Become, I’m a motivational speaker - TEDx, Choose Joy or Die , I am a private coach ) are hope, joy and empowerment.
If I could choose ten words that best describe me I would say: honest, welcoming, giving, curious, loving, earnest, empathetic, spiritual, playful, and sassy. Let's add: adventurous. That's 11.
Nice to meet you!
Want to start feeling really good but not sure where to start? Jump on into our virtual classroom (complimentary of course!) and get a weekly guide on how to walk with confidence and joy! You are divine. You are magic. I look forward to serving you!
