Help for Post Partum Depression (and the like)

I have had postpartum depression … twice. And so have A LOT of your friends and family.

When you’re a first time mom, the postpartum experience is new – and since it’s your first time around – it’s not easy to figure out what’s normal and what isn’t.

During my first pregnancy I was aware of the postpartum depression possibility so I guarded against it. I encapsulated my placenta, I worked out, I went to therapy, and still – the bottom fell out from under me. Only I didn’t know it – and not knowing that you are in the midst of postpartum disorders is the most dangerous.

One day, when my first born was about 4 months old, I noticed that I felt really good. I felt like a weight had lifted off my shoulders – and over the next few weeks, the puzzle pieces fell into place and I knew I had been depressed and anxious.

Here’s what my first go with postpartum disorders felt like:

• Having thoughts of my baby getting hurt or dying A LOT.

• Extreme jealousy and irrational behavior.

  • Fear that my husband would find a better woman.

• Not connecting with my child.

  • I tended to her needs and no one could tell I wasn’t truly connecting – but I knew.

• Resentment of my new life.

  • I wanted a baby, and had one, but then I was kind of pissed that my life had changed so much. Where had my life gone? Where had my freedom gone?

So then, with my second baby, I was ready. I knew what to look out for. My husband and I were ready!

With my second baby I had a traumatic birth (I lost 50% of my blood and had to have blood transfusions) so my OB was on high alert for me having Post-traumatic stress disorder, but after a few checkups, she deemed me fine.

The first several months of my second baby’s life were a dream. I was in love with her, I was connecting with her, I had help around the house, and my husband was helping a ton – ALL GOOD!

But then around month four – things started to get weird. I started to have major anxiety and my fuse became shorter and shorter. And around month five, my girlfriend Alexis at Birth 360, posted an article about late onset postpartum depression – and I read it – and it all clicked.

Dang it! It happened again!

I immediately called my doctor and made an appointment.

Here’s what postpartum depression felt like the second time around:

• Having thoughts of my children getting hurt or dying – A LOT.

• A general sense of fear of not having enough (money, food, time, etc.)

• A short fuse, zero patience.

• Anger toward everyone. Suppressed rage.

• Feeling like someone had a boot on my neck.

• Feeling helpless to affect change in my work life.

• Irrational thoughts

Here’s a quick example of irrational thoughts:

My husband and I were out of town visiting family. We were staying in a quiet farm town, at least 30 minutes from a grocery store. One morning he cooked our oldest daughter breakfast — eggs and hotdogs. He also precooked hotdogs for the rest of the day – so that she would have something ready to go if she got hungry.

I asked him if he had had his fill of hotdogs, and he said yes. Then I said, “Okay, I’m going to eat the rest of these hotdogs with my breakfast.” I too wanted eggs and hotdogs. And he said, “Why don’t you have the chicken (there was cooked chicken breast) so that she can have the hotdogs later?”

And I got PISSED.

Thoughts started swirling in my mind. He doesn’t think I deserve hotdogs? Am I not worth hotdogs? I should be able to eat the hotdogs if I want. Am I not worth the $8 worth of hotdogs? And on and on.

I jumped in the shower and began to weep.

Guys, my husband and I have a strong relationship. He loves me and I love him, deeply. We have been through life together and still, we pull closer together. The sky is blue, and my husband loves me — I KNOW these things. And I knew intellectually that he would want me to have the hot dogs if that’s what I wanted – but my brain was spinning OUT OF CONTROL.

And when I told my OB/GYN the hotdog story – she said, “I’m glad you’re here for help.”

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Useful questions for help for postpartum depression: 

I recommend you ask yourself or have a person you trust ask.

• Are you having fears you didn’t used to have? What are they?

• Are you angry your life has changed?

• Are you having thoughts that your baby is going to die?

• Are you frustrated throughout the day? What sparks the frustration?

• Do you feel inadequate?

• Do you feel supported?

• Do you feel like you can be honest about your feelings with those around you?

• Has your libido changed? How?

• If you have children, how do you feel toward them? Same as before baby? More connected, less connected?

• If you are married or in a relationship – how do you feel toward your spouse/partner? Has it changed since post baby? Describe.

These are BIG questions and they only work if you commit to being honest.

The thing I’ve heard most from women about postpartum disorders is that they are ashamed. I am here to tell you – there is nothing to be ashamed of. It is a hormonal issues – not an issue of ability or will power.

You can ask for help from your OB/GYN, your child’s pediatrician, a counselor or your girlfriends, community and family. Some women feel better after talking about it with friends or a therapist. Some women need medication (me!) And some women need a combo of things.

We are all with you and for you.

Childbirth brings on so many changes, good and bad and messy ones. But the point of it all is to ENJOY your new baby and your new family. Get the help you need, you deserve to feel good!

Other resources:

PPD Moms

Pregnancy and Postpartum Health Alliance of Texas

Postpartum Progress

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This post was originally written for and featured on Austin Moms Blog

Hi friend!

I'm Catia, a woman, wife, mama, sister, sister friend, you know -- I wear a million hats just like you.

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Real Talk About Depression

If you:

·       Have constant mood swings.

·       Are anxious all the time.

·       Have trouble feeling joyous.

·       Feel disconnected from your life.

·       Hesitate to go outside and partake in physical activity.

·       Feel rage.

·       Have thoughts of hurting yourself or other people.

·       If your life feels grey.

·       If your thoughts are heavy and burdensome and it all feels like doomsday.

YOU MAY BE DEPRESSED AND SHOULD SEEK HELP.

1)      Help is GOOD. There is honor in being self-aware and honest.

2)      You will be okay – and this is not “just the way life is,” your brain is playing tricks on you. Depression is complicated, but it is science. Depression is not about will power.

My first bout with depression was in 2014. I had become a mama for the first time and my hormones fell through the floor.

Here’s what it felt like.

·       I was disconnected from my daughter, and from my life. I was going through the motions, but nothing was really sinking in.

·       I also felt very insecure. I constantly felt like my husband was going to go find someone better. I was really paranoid and sad. I would hold his shoulders and cry, “I’m scared you’re going to find someone better.”

·       I would have horrible thoughts about my daughter dying. A LOT. They were terrible. I would imagine me hitting her head on a corner of a wall, or dropping her. The thoughts were horrific.

Everything looked great on the outside. I wore cute clothes. I worked out. I cooked meals. Nothing on the outside gave evidence to my interior thoughts or feelings.  Three or four months into the depression, it lifted, and I wept.  It was only then, only after it lifted, that I knew I had been depressed.

Depression is weird. It wears away at what is actually happening , and then it distorts it – until it’s so distorted – and you’re so far away from where you started – that it feels unreasonable to NOT BELIEVE YOUR THOUGHTS. You are sure, you are right. You are sure what you are seeing is true. You have collected all the evidence. You are right. Life sucks. Life is hard. Life is a battle. Life is grey.

BUT DEPRESSION IS A LIAR.

The second time I experienced depression was about 5 months after I became a mama for the second time.

We were on a family trip and my husband had sliced and cooked some hot dogs to eat with breakfast. Hot dogs are one of our girls’ favorite foods, and they are easy to cook and eat – so they are a family favorite.

I went to go serve myself hot dogs – and my husband suggested I eat the chicken he had made – since our girls would more readily eat the hot dogs throughout the day. (It’s important to note that we were staying on a farm, in rural Iowa, and the nearest grocery store was 30 minutes away.)

I raged on the inside but said nothing. I served myself every single piece of hot dog that was left and ate until I was uncomfortable.

Then I got into the shower, stood under the running water and sobbed.

The thoughts going through my head were, “He doesn’t think I deserve hot dogs! Am I not worth $8.00 of hot dogs? Does he not care about my needs?” On and on.

I came out of the shower, looked at him, admitting nothing – and said, “I’m not going to be as resilient today.” And he held me gently. We decided I would seek help when we returned.

A week later I told my OB/GYN the story and she said, “I’m glad you’re here. You need a lot of help.”

I didn’t know the Post-Partum Depression could be late onset – and since it felt different than the first time around – neither my husband or I flagged it.

This is what is felt like the second time around:

·       I was short tempered. Very short tempered.

·       I felt a lot of rage.

·       I talked about being violent toward people who angered me.

·       I had thoughts of my girls dying. All the time. The thoughts were all consuming – and they left me breathless.

·       I would have serious anxiety attacks that manifested as coughing attacks, where I would cough so hard I would gag and it was hard to catch my breath.

·       Nothing was ever “quite right.” I always had a reason to be angry.

Two times with depression, and if I’m being totally honest, maybe a third. Right now. It’s annoying and frustrating, because I know I am blessed. I love my husband. I love my girls. I am safe. I have a job I love – and yet, depression sneaks its way into my brain every night and I have terrible dreams. You know, the kind where they weigh on your body and mind and you wake up in a weird mood. So this time around, it looks and feels different.

Here is what is in my DEPRESSION TOOL BOX.

·       Talk therapy with a LCSW and a Resonance Re-patterner.

·       Prescription anti-depressants – prescribed through my OB/GYN

·       Essential oils – I use these all the time to keep my body and emotion vibrating on a higher frequency. I am a big fan of Young Living oils.

·       Exercise – I try to do some exercise, (alone – no kids), 4 times a week. One hour per session.

·       Massages – getting a massage breaks up the fascia around your muscles and helps relieve tension. It doesn't have to be an expensive massage, just a massage. 

·       Getting some sun – getting some vitamin D helps boost my mood big time.

·       Date night – alone time with my husband makes a huge difference for me.

·       Alone time – MUST GET ALONE TIME. I need this to reset from all the frantic moments of the week. I try to go for a walk, listen to a podcast, do yoga. 

.      Get off my phone and social media. Being on my phone is not rest, it's the opposite of rest. 

·       Get chilly – If I am hot, I angrier. I’m so serious! Turn down the thermostat.

·       Good food – eating organic and sustainable grown fruits and veggies makes a big difference for our body.

·       Cut our sugar – Sugar is the devil. Sugar causes major hormonal and consequently mood swings.

.       Time with God - praying, listening and connecting with God always grounds me. 

It sounds like battling depression is a full-time job, right? Sometimes it is, and sometimes it isn’t. It’s more about a well-rounded way to approach life, and when I honor my body and mind, it returns the favor.

If you identify with any of the feelings above – I will help you get help. All you have to do it say, “Maybe I need help.” And then email me, I’ll hold your hand through it.

I have been there, it is weird. I know.

You are loved and you are worthy.

Don’t let depression convince you otherwise.