Scary Joy
There are different kinds of joy.
There’s a joy that stems from a deep place within. That kind of joy is a branch of faith. When we have faith that everything is going to be okay, then we give ourselves permission to feel joy in the small moments. There’s space for it.
But when our faith is shaken, and our world feels dim (whether it really is or isn’t doesn’t matter – that’s subjective) joy is hard to access. There may be good things happening to us and for us, but when we are scared that things won’t be okay – there’s a big boulder of a roadblock on the way to joy. The joy is there, but we can’t quite touch it or feel it.
Another kind of joy is the - light, fun, airy, joy. The joy that feels juvenile.
This is the more vulnerable type of joy for me. This joy requires that I really trust the people that I’m with. This joy is risky. Sometimes I feel silly, and I am so excited and effervescent that if someone came out and laughed at me, or teased me, or made a nasty facial expression at me – it would squash my exposed heart.
I don’t feel this joy very often, it’s a scary kind of joy for me. Because my heart is totally exposed – without any armor.
There are so many other types as well. There’s the joy that bubbles up when you step into your own power, or when you see you children step into theirs. The joy that comes with Sunday naps and snuggles with your 2.5 year old that you know is getting taller by the minute, and the joy that comes from running into an old friend in the bread aisle unexpectedly.
In my TEDx talk, Choose Joy or Die, I really dove into the subject of joy researching how it benefits us and what stands in our way. Joy is not a luxury; joy is a necessity.
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In the last year or so, I’ve really felt the pull to go back for a football game and visit the high school I graduated from. Weslaco High School.
Man, I had some rough times during high school, but I had some INCREDIBLE times too. And I grew from the tough times and hold the INCREDIBLE times close to my heart.
A considerable part of my high school years was band. I started playing the snare drum in the 5th grade. I’d pack up my Yamaha snare drum and load it in my mom’s maroon Ford Taurus hatchback, and I’d wheel it into school every day. I don’t really remember what band practice was like back then. But I know I continued to learn and eventually played a lot of instruments in the percussion section, snare drum always being my home base.
I was a middle of the road musician, but man, I loved being part of something bigger than myself. And then, in high school, I joined the marching band. In hindsight, I cannot believe how motivated I was. I was a good student, always responsible for my projects and homework, AND I’d get up well before the school bell rang for 1st period and go to marching band practice.
We would practice our half-time show out on the practice field before the school started, run in, “shower,” change and then go for a full day of school. And then after school, I’d go to golf practice – for 2 hours, 5 days a week. I was disciplined and dedicated.
And then as a sophomore, I joined the jazz band, which meant I played a trap set. One of these.
Junior Year - I was percussion section offer. I am in the middle row, 5th from the left.
And as a senior, I tried out to be a drum major of a 300 person band and was selected! In my senior year of high school, I was one of three drum majors, and we were an all-girl squad! I remember wearing a deep purple taffeta cape, and that our half time show music was from Westside Story. It was a blast!
Being part of the marching band meant a lot of things. It meant -- time management, teamwork, LATE nights after football games, stinky bus rides, blisters on my fingers from the drum sticks, a strong back from carrying the drum, learning how to lead, learning how to follow, and when our drum section would sync and play Jungle Music, our favorite Friday night cadence, being part of the marching band meant creating the energy that would move people from their seat to their feet.
I can still play the song 20 years later.
On Friday at 1pm, Guapo said, “Hey, there’s a Weslaco football game tonight, want to go?” And it was like he was offering me front row seats at George Strait. I was crazy excited. I planned the entire afternoon around being able to be at the Weslaco box office at 5:30pm when it opened. I NEEDED 4 tickets for this game. It had been 16 years since I had been in that stadium and felt the beat of the drums.
I dressed up the girls in as much purple as we had, we secured the tickets and showed up just in time to hear the band walk into the stadium. My heart was open and raw, and I felt that giddy kind of joy, the type of joy that is so vulnerable.
We arrived just in time to hear the band march into the stadium and I stood there, clapping and dancing and in joy.
It was almost too much for me to handle. My heart was swelling up inside my chest, and tears just rolled down my cheeks. I had come home to the music, the people, the city -- and with my new family, a family that I had created – Guapo and the girls.
It was just a Friday night football game. But man, it was really lovely. It filled up my heart. I was floating.
I walked up and down the stadium with Alexandra and Luciana and I got to hug some old friends, and I got to feel the BEAT. OF. THE. DRUMS.
And so, I leave you with this – silly joy, light joy, vulnerable joy is risky, but it’s worth it. If there’s something you’ve wanted to do – go do it, friend. If you know that there is something or someone out there that will help your spirit come alive, run after it.
Hi friend!
I'm Catia, a woman, wife, mama, sister, sister friend, you know -- I wear a million hats just like you.
One of my biggest whys is that I want people to feel good about ALL of who they are. Including you.
The threads running through all my work (I’m an author - The Courage to Become, I’m a motivational speaker - TEDx, Choose Joy or Die , I am a private coach ) are hope, joy and empowerment.
If I could choose ten words that best describe me I would say: honest, welcoming, giving, curious, loving, earnest, empathetic, spiritual, playful, and sassy. Let's add: adventurous. That's 11.
Nice to meet you!
Want to start feeling really good but not sure where to start? Jump on into our virtual classroom (complimentary of course!) and get a weekly guide on how to walk with confidence and joy! You are divine. You are magic. I look forward to serving you!
Confidence + Joy Weekly Guide
Infinite Love | Show Up for Your Life
“Enter into a relationship with the universe, relationship as alive, as active, as vital as any other relationship. Then know that you are connected to the world and everything init. Know that the universal love, Divine love, is real and you are an important part of it.” -Melody Beattie, Journey to the HeartI
Life has a funny way of bringing us full circle.
Six years ago I was running bars and restaurants and I was having a blast! After a long work week, I’d cozy up on the couch with my dog, Beau Jackson and my cat, Charles and let my body and mind quite down.
Once I was really quiet, thoughts would start bubbling up. I’d start thinking about my feelings and where I wanted to go, and just the kind of woman I wanted to be. I didn’t quite know how to sort it all out - so I did what came naturally. I wrote. I wrote and wrote and started to share my thoughts via a blog. (This was bold stuff back then!) I was an aspiring writer, but didn’t yet have the language for it.
I spent years blogging about my feelings. It was both rewarding and brave. Every time I shared a blog post it revealed tender parts of me while at the same time encouraging others. And after a while, I found my style, my tone, as a writer.
April 2011
I started to gobble up books to be inspired and to learn. One of those books was Eat, Pray, Love. The decision to crack open Eat, Pray, Love was in hindsight, seminal. Elizabeth Gilbert infused courage into my heart as a woman and as a writer. She gave me permission to change, to love, to hurt and to seek.
In 2013, I got wind that Infinite Love, a community organization in the Rio Grande Valley, centered around love and meditation, was hosting Elizabeth Gilbert as a speaker - and I was over the moon delighted. Elizabeth Gilbert!!!! What an amazing opportunity. I was so happy just to be in her presence, I was swimming in gratitude.
Elizabeth Gilbert and I in 2013
That night I told her that her book changed my life and that I wanted to write a book one day. She hugged me and spoke encouragement over me and I left with a full heart.
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On Wednesday May 1st, 2019, six years later, Infinite Love, the same organize that invited Elizabeth Gilbert, invited me to speak to their community.
I looked down the barrel of time and all the changes that had transpired and then it hit me.
It took six years, but I did what I set out to do. I put one foot in front of the other and designed the life I wanted. I changed careers, wrote and published a book, became a public speaker - and most importantly I found a way to not only be fulfilled but to be of service to my corner of the world. I have found a way to give my readers and audience members permission to change, to love, to hurt, to seek.
At Oprah’s Live the Life you Want Tour in 2014
With my girls celebrating the release of my book at Book People in Austin, 2017
At a Barnes and Noble Book Signing in 2018
Speaking to a group of college students at South Texas College in 2019
Life has a funny way of bringing us full circle.
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The gathering of folks at Infinite Love on May 1st was holy.
There were men and women of all ages. There were men ready to release emotions and cry into my shoulder. One whispered, “One more hug please,” as his tears dried off.
There were women who told of traveling hours just to be there. There were moms who told me stories of their fractured relationships with daughters, clinging to hope.
There were people ready to pull the veil back and truly look at themselves. There was a husband in trucker hat and boots and a wife in a cardigans and flip flops, who wanted to connect and take their relationship to a deeper level.
There was a young college student who wanted encouragement because money was tight, a tired mom who wanted relief from her trauma filled past, and an eager mom and teenage son who traveled from North Mexico to come be a part of this event, this gathering.
Appearances would show a motley crew, but I know better. There’s nothing motley about souls who gather in that way.
As a speaker, I prepare months ahead of time. By the time I show up I have honed the information and my delivery hundreds of hours. I know what story will fit where and when to throw in a joke. And yet, when the event begins, I let all the technical go.
When the event begins, all that is left to do is for me to SEE every audience member. Hold them, hug them, pay attention to them, give their heart and their troubles a place of rest. And so even though I am the one with the microphone, it is an exchange of energy. Me and every single person in the audience, connecting and going deeper into truth, no matter how tender.
I have always had a great audiences. Every single one has been ready to share, to connect, and go there. This group, at Infinite Love, went above and beyond that. They were so present that what could have been just another Wednesday night, was a holy moment.
A lot of healing, a lot of tears, a lot of energy shifts, a lot of hugs.
This is my job, to see and hold my readers and audience members in their most tender moments and love them right where they are at. And it’s an honor.
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Thank you to Infinite Love and the super sisters, Malka, Alka and Saju (and the rest of the family!) for being such a vital part of the Rio Grande Valley - you make a difference everyday. You are changing lives. You have made the world a better place.
Malka, Me, Saju and Alka - Three of the sisters who founded Infinite Love
Hi friend!
I'm Catia, a woman, wife, mama, sister, sister friend, you know -- I wear a million hats just like you.
One of my biggest whys is that I want people to feel good about ALL of who they are. Including you.
The threads running through all my work (I’m an author - The Courage to Become, I’m a motivational speaker - TEDx, Choose Joy or Die , I am a private coach ) are hope, joy and empowerment.
If I could choose ten words that best describe me I would say: honest, welcoming, giving, curious, loving, earnest, empathetic, spiritual, playful, and sassy. Let's add: adventurous. That's 11.
Nice to meet you!
Want to start feeling really good but not sure where to start? Jump on into our virtual classroom (complimentary of course!) and get a weekly guide on how to walk with confidence and joy! You are divine. You are magic. I look forward to serving you!
