Courage to Become | Anti-racist
“I had no idea I WAS racist!! I always thought that because I had black friends and was involved with black guys that I had immunity. It wasn't until my current boyfriend began pointing little things out to me throughout our relationship that I did, said, and that other people did and said that I realized just how racist we can all be without knowing it.”
A quick note about The Courage to Become Series and today’s, featured woman.
Hi! Catia here. I am delighted to bring you Season 4 of The Courage to Become! I ask women I admire to share a behind the scenes view of their becoming. We often see the result but aren’t privy to the through, to the transformation. And the through is where all the magic happens. The story you are about to read will buoy you with hope. Being a woman is not easy, but damn, if it can be magical. There are inspirational women everywhere, and the author of this piece is one of them.
This is a special and poignant piece. This piece was written in March of 2020 and submitted as anonymous for many reasons.
As the murders of George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, and Ahmaud Arbery have ignited the entire nation, this piece ( already vitally important) is more important than ever.
Tell us a little bit about yourself:
I am 25 years old, have built a "successful" life for myself on my own, and am a cat mom. I own a social media management business (shoutout to my first paying client). I never know what to say when someone says, "tell me about yourself."
What was one thing you always dreamt of doing, were afraid to do, but did anyway?
I always wanted to build a family of my own and live a financially comfortable lifestyle. I only had one "real" boyfriend in high school and recently ended a relationship of 4.5 years. I was always afraid of having a successful relationship but had NO idea I had this fear until I started therapy last year. The issues I faced with boys when I was younger and with my current boyfriend all seemed to stem from issues with myself, but I learned that they actually stem from my upbringing.
How did it feel getting started?
When I first began dating my current boyfriend, things were great. Until racism showed its ugly face through my family and things began to get sticky. I still remember (and probably always will) almost every detail about the day my dad disowned me and let his wife talk about me and my man the way she did. Honestly, my subconscious blocked out a lot of the wording she used but my spirit has never forgiven her. This was the beginning.
Tell us about some of the obstacles you faced when you started dating someone who had a different skin color and heritage than you?
So like I said, things were great with my man until my family showed their true colors. This story isn't just about my relationship, though. It's really about my journey with racism.
I had no idea I WAS racist!! I always thought that because I had black friends and was involved with black guys that I had immunity. It wasn't until my current boyfriend began pointing little things out to me throughout our relationship that I did, said, and that other people did and said that I realized just how racist we can all be without knowing it.
Honestly, I kept up my ignorance until this year. So embarrassing. I read a book titled White Fragility and now preach its knowledge and recommend the book to everyone. I even sent it to a friend in the mail for her to read during quarantine.
Racism is systematic, meaning white people are racist by default. This doesn't make anyone a "bad" person, however, which is where some of the defensiveness comes from when white people are confronted about their actions. Anyway, without recanting the entire book, I learned a lot in the last 5 months, from the book, other research, peers, etc.
What motivates you become more sensitive and aware of your words and actions regarding racism?
The person I loved and was in a relationship with for 4.5 years, the black people I love, the white people I love, the Latinx people I love, etc. Even the people I don't know. I have such a new respect for all people and all races. The shit they put up with that white people DON'T EVEN NOTICE. I notice so much now!! I have such a new motivation to stand up for various morals and values now. I used to "avoid conflict" and now I'm not afraid to cause conflict in standing with love and respect.
Which living person do you most admire?
I most admire my ex-boyfriend. His patience isn't what allows him to brush off hate, it’s his confidence and respect for himself. He knows he’s better for the world than what other people may think of him for his skin color. He knows those people don't have issues with him personally, they have issue with themselves and the past they've learned through school and their upbringing. Not everyone has the willingness to learn more than they've been taught. He takes the time to learn more in attempt to better himself. He knows God's got him.
Which talent would you most like to have?
This is totally unrelated but I would LOVE to be able to dance. LOL. I've always had some good rhythm and I've been able to do some trendy dances throughout the years but as I've gotten older, the less I want to do the trendy dances (because let's be honest I don't want to shake my ass for anyone outside the bedroom) my talent with this has declined.
What is your most marked characteristic?
Physically, people comment on my skin and eyes the most. Personality wise, I hear more comments about how sweet and mature I am. I've always gotten this. I've always appreciated it because its gained me respect with people who matter in life rather than have been thought of as super cool and gotten "respect" from peers.
What is your motto? A message that motivates you or helps you along?
Sheesh. So many quotes come to mind. One that is super relevant to this, though, would be "Stand for nothing, or fall for anything." I don't remember who said this but it's SO TRUE. I used to not really understand it when I hear it in songs or when I'd hear it but now I do.
What are some things you are proud to have accomplished?
My business! Also maintaining a relationship with my ex-boyfriend for so long. Of course, had some major speed bumps, but he was (is) a great man and we learned so much fron each other. Also finally maturing and educating myself on racism. It's been a long time coming. Although, I don't want to be TOO proud of myself because I feel like it should be required as a human.
What keeps you going when you feel like you are knee deep in mud?
My future. I'd love to help support my mom like she's always done for me. Of course I'd love to provide a comfortable life for my kids – and one day I hope to have a mentally and emotionally stable relationship.
What’s one piece of advice you’d give to women who are about to embark on the journey you are on?
Educate. Read. Don't leave it up to your black friend to educate you on their painful experience. Find resources. Ask questions when necessary but don't totally rely on someone else to give you all the information. Also, don't ask the wrong people. This means don't ask white people who have little to no knowledge on the subject and don't ask people of color who clearly don't want to help you. They have the right to not want to answer your "simple questions."
What is one piece of advice you would give your 20 year old self?
LEARN NOW. STOP BEING IGNORANT.
Isn’t that something. What a story, tender and straight from a young person’s heart. May we all be moved to action to unlearn the racism we have absorbed and to learn how to honor brothers and sisters from different races than our own. - catia
Hi friend!
I'm Catia, a woman, wife, mama, sister, sister friend, you know -- I wear a million hats just like you.
One of my biggest whys is that I want people to feel good about ALL of who they are. Including you.
The threads running through all my work (I’m an author - The Courage to Become, I’m a motivational and TEDx speaker , Choose Joy or Die , I am a private coach ) are hope, joy and empowerment.
If I could choose ten words that best describe me I would say: honest, welcoming, giving, curious, loving, earnest, empathetic, spiritual, playful, and sassy. Let's add: adventurous. That's 11.
Nice to meet you!
Want to start feeling really good but not sure where to start? Jump on into our virtual classroom (complimentary of course!) and get a weekly guide on how to walk with confidence and joy! You are divine. You are magic. I look forward to serving you!
Weekly Wisdom Guide
Shine your brightest,
Courage to Become | Mariah Oller
When I first started my tarot business my hands were shaking. I was so afraid of publicly posting my photo in my profile picture. I was afraid of what the religious part of my family would think AND of what the scientists in my family would say. - Mariah Oller
A quick note about The Courage to Become Series and today’s, featured woman.
Hi! Catia here. I am delighted to bring you Season 4 of The Courage to Become! I ask women I admire to share a behind the scenes view of their becoming. We often see the result but aren’t privy to the through, to the transformation. And the through is where all the magic happens. The story you are about to read will buoy you with hope. Being a woman is not easy, but damn, if it can be magical. There are inspirational women everywhere, and Mariah is one of them.
Enjoy her story of becoming. I watch her on social media and admire the way she excels at her craft while at the same time remaining the present mama to two sweet girls, and how she contributes so well to her community. Please welcome, Mariah.
Mariah Oller from Harvest and Moon
Mariah, tell us a little bit about yourself.
I am a Cell Biologist turned tarot reader, a survivor of domestic abuse, and homeschooling mother of 2.
What was one thing you always dreamt of doing, were afraid to do, but did anyway?
Most of my life is about dreaming and then jumping feet first. My biggest goal has always been to be happy. From there I have many branches.
I wanted to be in a healthy relationship. That may seem simple but for me, someone who grew up seeing and experiencing physical trauma, that has been a tough thing to reprogram. I go to therapy primarily to deal with how much love and pleasure I have in my life now.
I’ve always wanted to be a healer. I started that journey by diving into the hard sciences and later becoming a tarot reader. Surprisingly, I help a lot more people now, and it allows me to comfortable raise my kids.
How did it feel getting started as a tarot reader?
Getting started is always scary. My Dad loves to say “fear is a mind-killer.” I consciously coach myself to take fear as a signal to pay attention, instead of freezing.
When I first started my tarot business my hands were shaking. I was so afraid of publicly posting my photo in my profile picture. I was afraid of what the religious part of my family would think AND of what the scientists in my family would say. For me, tarot is the perfect blend of those worlds but I worried that it would be misunderstood by those I loved. My husband helped calm my nerves and encouraged me to own my brand and my spiritual practices. My family is very supportive of what I have created.
Tell us about some of the obstacles you faced when you got started reading tarot:
The biggest obstacle that I’ve faced are misconceptions about tarot. A lot of people are scared they are going to learn something they don’t want to know or they worry it will be something that goes against their religion.
My tarot readings have always been about empowering people to move towards a life that they love. We focus on discovering what action is needed right now to create harmony in careers, relationships, living situations, etc.
What motivates you to read tarot?
My children are my biggest motivation. I know that they will follow my example so I make sure I’m living a life I would also want for them.
Which living person do you most admire?
My grandmother. She has so much grit and wisdom. She’s the woman people come to when they need advice about their marriage or career.
Which talent would you most like to have?
Besides knowing future events and what actions are needed to overcome the obstacles?! I’m fully satisfied with the talents I have...but I would add ‘enjoys putting laundry away’ as a talent if I had a magic wand.
What is your most marked characteristic?
I am an achiever. I love to push myself and test what I’m capable of.
Is there a message that motivates you or encourages you along?
My mantra is “I’ll get the perfect thing at the perfect time.”
What are some things you are proud to have accomplished?
I loved getting my degree at 17. That really set the stage for me to be able to do anything I set my mind to.
What keeps you going when you feel like you are knee-deep in the mud?
I pull a tarot card reflect on what action I need to take right now and what goal I’m working towards in the next few months.
What’s one piece of advice you’d give to women who are about to embark on the journey you are on?
Stay diligent about who and what you allow around you. Consume media that feeds your mind and goals. Connect with people that speak life into you. Distance yourself from things that aren’t good for you.
What is one piece of advice you would give your 20-year-old self?
Wait until you’re old enough to legally drink before having a baby. Just because you created the life of an adult woman doesn’t mean you have the fully developed brain of an adult woman.
Mariah Oller is the founder of Harvest and Moon and the New Moon Tribe. She connects modern women to ancient traditions so that they may live a more grounded, exciting, and empowered life.
Mariah has always had a passion for healing. She received her first degree in Biotechnology when she was 17-years-old through the Texas Bioscience Institute and went on to become the lead Biologist designing Oxygen Concentrators for a Medical Device Company at the ripe age of 19.
Mariah seamlessly blends the worlds of Science and Magic together to create healing and balance for women in her community. Source: Harvest and Moon
Mariah is truly gifted and I know you will love connecting with her!
Harvest and Moon Web site — Harvest and Moon on Instagram — Harvest and Moon on Facebook
Hi friend!
I'm Catia, a woman, wife, mama, sister, sister friend, you know -- I wear a million hats just like you.
One of my biggest whys is that I want people to feel good about ALL of who they are. Including you.
The threads running through all my work (I’m an author - The Courage to Become, I’m a motivational and TEDx speaker , Choose Joy or Die , I am a private coach ) are hope, joy and empowerment.
If I could choose ten words that best describe me I would say: honest, welcoming, giving, curious, loving, earnest, empathetic, spiritual, playful, and sassy. Let's add: adventurous. That's 11.
Nice to meet you!
Want to start feeling really good but not sure where to start? Jump on into our virtual classroom (complimentary of course!) and get a weekly guide on how to walk with confidence and joy! You are divine. You are magic. I look forward to serving you!
Weekly Wisdom Guide
Shine your brightest,
Infinite Love | Show Up for Your Life
“Enter into a relationship with the universe, relationship as alive, as active, as vital as any other relationship. Then know that you are connected to the world and everything init. Know that the universal love, Divine love, is real and you are an important part of it.” -Melody Beattie, Journey to the HeartI
Life has a funny way of bringing us full circle.
Six years ago I was running bars and restaurants and I was having a blast! After a long work week, I’d cozy up on the couch with my dog, Beau Jackson and my cat, Charles and let my body and mind quite down.
Once I was really quiet, thoughts would start bubbling up. I’d start thinking about my feelings and where I wanted to go, and just the kind of woman I wanted to be. I didn’t quite know how to sort it all out - so I did what came naturally. I wrote. I wrote and wrote and started to share my thoughts via a blog. (This was bold stuff back then!) I was an aspiring writer, but didn’t yet have the language for it.
I spent years blogging about my feelings. It was both rewarding and brave. Every time I shared a blog post it revealed tender parts of me while at the same time encouraging others. And after a while, I found my style, my tone, as a writer.
April 2011
I started to gobble up books to be inspired and to learn. One of those books was Eat, Pray, Love. The decision to crack open Eat, Pray, Love was in hindsight, seminal. Elizabeth Gilbert infused courage into my heart as a woman and as a writer. She gave me permission to change, to love, to hurt and to seek.
In 2013, I got wind that Infinite Love, a community organization in the Rio Grande Valley, centered around love and meditation, was hosting Elizabeth Gilbert as a speaker - and I was over the moon delighted. Elizabeth Gilbert!!!! What an amazing opportunity. I was so happy just to be in her presence, I was swimming in gratitude.
Elizabeth Gilbert and I in 2013
That night I told her that her book changed my life and that I wanted to write a book one day. She hugged me and spoke encouragement over me and I left with a full heart.
——
On Wednesday May 1st, 2019, six years later, Infinite Love, the same organize that invited Elizabeth Gilbert, invited me to speak to their community.
I looked down the barrel of time and all the changes that had transpired and then it hit me.
It took six years, but I did what I set out to do. I put one foot in front of the other and designed the life I wanted. I changed careers, wrote and published a book, became a public speaker - and most importantly I found a way to not only be fulfilled but to be of service to my corner of the world. I have found a way to give my readers and audience members permission to change, to love, to hurt, to seek.
At Oprah’s Live the Life you Want Tour in 2014
With my girls celebrating the release of my book at Book People in Austin, 2017
At a Barnes and Noble Book Signing in 2018
Speaking to a group of college students at South Texas College in 2019
Life has a funny way of bringing us full circle.
—
The gathering of folks at Infinite Love on May 1st was holy.
There were men and women of all ages. There were men ready to release emotions and cry into my shoulder. One whispered, “One more hug please,” as his tears dried off.
There were women who told of traveling hours just to be there. There were moms who told me stories of their fractured relationships with daughters, clinging to hope.
There were people ready to pull the veil back and truly look at themselves. There was a husband in trucker hat and boots and a wife in a cardigans and flip flops, who wanted to connect and take their relationship to a deeper level.
There was a young college student who wanted encouragement because money was tight, a tired mom who wanted relief from her trauma filled past, and an eager mom and teenage son who traveled from North Mexico to come be a part of this event, this gathering.
Appearances would show a motley crew, but I know better. There’s nothing motley about souls who gather in that way.
As a speaker, I prepare months ahead of time. By the time I show up I have honed the information and my delivery hundreds of hours. I know what story will fit where and when to throw in a joke. And yet, when the event begins, I let all the technical go.
When the event begins, all that is left to do is for me to SEE every audience member. Hold them, hug them, pay attention to them, give their heart and their troubles a place of rest. And so even though I am the one with the microphone, it is an exchange of energy. Me and every single person in the audience, connecting and going deeper into truth, no matter how tender.
I have always had a great audiences. Every single one has been ready to share, to connect, and go there. This group, at Infinite Love, went above and beyond that. They were so present that what could have been just another Wednesday night, was a holy moment.
A lot of healing, a lot of tears, a lot of energy shifts, a lot of hugs.
This is my job, to see and hold my readers and audience members in their most tender moments and love them right where they are at. And it’s an honor.
—
Thank you to Infinite Love and the super sisters, Malka, Alka and Saju (and the rest of the family!) for being such a vital part of the Rio Grande Valley - you make a difference everyday. You are changing lives. You have made the world a better place.
Malka, Me, Saju and Alka - Three of the sisters who founded Infinite Love
Hi friend!
I'm Catia, a woman, wife, mama, sister, sister friend, you know -- I wear a million hats just like you.
One of my biggest whys is that I want people to feel good about ALL of who they are. Including you.
The threads running through all my work (I’m an author - The Courage to Become, I’m a motivational speaker - TEDx, Choose Joy or Die , I am a private coach ) are hope, joy and empowerment.
If I could choose ten words that best describe me I would say: honest, welcoming, giving, curious, loving, earnest, empathetic, spiritual, playful, and sassy. Let's add: adventurous. That's 11.
Nice to meet you!
Want to start feeling really good but not sure where to start? Jump on into our virtual classroom (complimentary of course!) and get a weekly guide on how to walk with confidence and joy! You are divine. You are magic. I look forward to serving you!
Confidence + Joy Weekly Guide
Shine your brightest,
The Courage to Become | Jill Faulkner
“Listening to your heart is not simple. Finding out who you are is not simple. It takes a lot of hard work and courage to get to know who you are and what you want. - Sue Bender”
Working on myself is the hardest work I have done to date, and the most worthwhile. But seriously, the hardest. Embarking on the journey of changing who I was at my core, which was really un-becoming my current self to get back to who I was meant to be, started a long time ago, and will continue until I die. Perhaps morbid, but also true. Self-work, like change, is constant. And YOU are the constant in your life. Realizing that this person (me) is all I have, and all I need, fueled my desire to live my best life. This is not to say that I do not have family and friends and support, or want all of those relationships in my life, but I control my happiness, I create my life.
As I have shifted my thinking, and perspective, I hope to encourage people to do the same. I want people to shift how they think. How they think about themselves, their lives, others, and the world around them. The shift is so magical. Daunting, and challenging, but the results are awesome. I wouldn’t be here, right now, in this moment, even writing this, had I not buckled in for the ride of a lifetime. Pursuing a life I desire. Becoming more of who I am meant to be. Stepping into a life destined to be mine.
There will always be ups and downs, which is how I got here, and maybe that’s how you got here, too. My life, and my business, Stick With It Co., were born out of a need to remind myself of how I was worthy of living the life I wanted. I needed to evolve my mindset, and my framework, and love myself so fiercely that no matter what outside forces swirled around me I stayed solid and steady. I craved the tools and sought out resources - so, countless books, YouTube videos, meditations, mantras, workshops, yoga classes, sticky-notes, therapy, and a whole lotta Oprah later, here we are.
Picture it, Austin, TX, 2015. Word of the year: Freedom. I don’t know how it came to me, or where I was, but it was my word for the year. I didn’t know at the time what I was looking for freedom from, or seeking freedom toward, but it was my word. Looking back, I also don’t know whether or not I consciously made decisions that year with “freedom” as my guide, or if it seeped into my subconscious and led the way without me realizing it. Cut to March of 2015, new job. Freedom? Cut to November 2015, fired. FREEDOM. Being let go was not a “blessing in disguise” - it was a straight up, in your face, here’s your freedom, girl. Now, what are you gonna do with it? It took almost the whole year, but here was freedom staring me in the face. I was free. Free from stress, emotionally free, and free to tap into what I really wanted to do. I was able to let go. And it was okay. I was okay. I knew it would be okay. All the stickies I had on my bathroom mirror, and kitchen cabinets got me here. In life, things are never in our desired timing, we have to give that up, let go of timing, and trust in the process.
I now had time to think about my life in a bigger way. It felt great. I also acknowledge and hold extreme gratitude for the fact that I was in a position to be able to take two weeks to just be, and figure some stuff out. In that time, I started iterating on a product, and names, and ideas, and all of the things. How could I get the concept of affirmations, and self-love to the masses? So, I just got started. Handwriting 50 different affirmations on sticky notes. Packaging them up, changing the packaging, and giving them away - to friends, family, strangers. The reactions were always positive and encouraging, which emboldened me to keep at it.
Original set of affirmations
At the beginning of December (2015) a job opportunity sort of fell into my lap, and well, mama needed a paycheck, so back to work I went. Continuing to pursue Stick With It Co. on the side worked out for some time, but I wanted more. So, about a year later, I quit my job. Scary, freeing, vomit-inducing, glorious, unknown, and wonderful all at the same time. I wanted to give this business the love and focus it deserved, but it wasn’t even ever about me. It’s about you. This business is happening through me, for greater purpose.
There is a need for people to see the power of their words and statements. Especially in the world within which we exist today. We must be intentional with our words, especially the words we speak about ourselves and our lives.
Self-love, self-approval, self-accountability, self-compassion, and self-respect will generate a solid connection with yourself, allowing connections with others, driving you forward with courage, while welcoming authenticity, resilience, and support into your life.
There’s been a lot of change recently for me. Picking up some event contract work, not working on the business as intensely as I was planning to, general life happenings - you know how it goes. Physical/locational changes, and you better believe emotional - ALL the emotions. Changing, learning, experiencing, letting go, surrendering, and forging ahead.
When all these things happen on their own, I imagine life might be a bit less stressful to handle. Throw all these sizable changes into a ring together, at the same time, and they’re ducking and weaving, and throwing punches you’re not always ready for - then it can be quite the ruckus. But, change is good. Change is needed. Change is like sandpaper - rough while it’s doing its life’s work, transforming and addressing some splinters, but on the other side you’re grateful to have gone through the pain to get to a better, smoother, less splintery place.
I’m not sure I got too off the mark with the sandpaper bit, but it just popped in my brain and I went with it. The point is, change can be painful. It hurts. Sometimes you don’t know why it’s happening, and sometimes you never find out why it did, but you have to trust it’s for the greater purpose for your life. All the changes are for reason. Maybe that reason is you just learn to love yourself a little more than the day before.
I believe the desire for human connection, with ourselves, and with others, is innate, and if we work to push aside the societally driven, culturally manipulated “things” that get in the way of connecting, we are on our way to living an authentic, and purposeful life. Being an open book, sharing my journey, sometimes whether or not you asked, and sometimes a little TMI, has proven time and again that we are such similar creatures and have so much to offer each other. Through connection, we not only discover the lives and journeys of others, we also learn a lot about ourselves.
I have certainly had my moments, and sometimes 24-seemingly infinity hours, of living in fear in which I am paralyzed, and therefore lack direction, and action. In those days I forgive myself, I acknowledge and thank fear for letting me know something I didn’t know before, and I work to find my way back to faith.
I consciously make a choice to live in faith. I have faith in the process of becoming, and unbecoming who I am, figuring out my purpose and place in this world, pursuing a life I am meant to live, feeling all of my feelings, and enjoying it all.
Stick With It to BE self-love, Stick With it to RELEASE fear, Stick With It to BE whoever, and whatever your heart desires. Stick With It to allow yourself to live your best life. Stick With It in order to un-become who you were to make space for change and embark on a journey of becoming that will astound you.
A customer from England sent an incredible letter, card, and polaroid photos of where she placed her affirmations in her home!
Essay by: Jill Faulkner
These days you can find Jill at: Stick With It Co // Instagram // Facebook
Hi there!
I'm Catia, a woman, wife, mama, sister, sister friend, you know -- I wear a million hats just like you.
One of my biggest whys is that I want people to feel good about ALL of who they are. Including you.
The threads running through all my work (I wrote a book - The Courage to Become, I speak - TEDx #choosejoyordie, I coach, I mentor) are hope, joy and empowerment. I am all about big picture health and wellness.
If I could choose ten words that best describe me I would say: honest, welcoming, giving, curious, loving, earnest, empathetic, spiritual, playful, and sassy. Let's add: adventurous. That's 11.
Nice to meet you!
The Courage to Become Book
Want to start feeling really good but not sure where to start? Jump on into our virtual classroom (complimentary of course!) and get a weekly guide on how to walk with confidence and joy! You are divine. You are magic. I look forward to serving you!
Confidence + Joy Weekly Guide
The Courage to Become | Laura V. Tolin
Fearless in the Face of Uncertainty
Before I launch into this crazy true story of mine, there are a few things you need to know about me. First: I’m a planner. I believe more things get done, and are done better, when you plan for them. I’m the kid who, for the middle school band trip to Disney World, created a full-color info graphic for her friends to decide what rides were top-priority and to get everyone excited about all the planned activities we were going to do (much to everyone’s chagrin).
Second: I believe, despite perfect planning, our attitude and current environment impact what ultimately happens. Even deeper than that, I believe there are many realities possible in a single moment. That moment right before you have a car crash? It’s been preceded by all the moments in your entire life that have lead you to this singular reality. Think about that for a minute: every. Single. Action. Sound “woo-woo” enough? Maybe by the end of my story, you’ll come around to this idea.
Lastly, you should know I’m a mom of two living in Austin, TX since 2008 with my husband of 9 years. Our kids are 2 and (almost) 5, we have a dog and a cat and a beautiful house on a very quiet street. I’m originally from a small town of about 3,000 people in West Tennessee called Somerville, and my parents are still there, living in my great-grandmother’s Greek Revival-style house on Main Street.
I have a Bachelor’s in English and a Master’s in Theatre/Playwriting. I tried to plan my life out so that I would never do anything but write. But life had other plans for me: kids, cars, houses, travel, living far from family – things that require me to hold a full-time job that makes steady money. So, I’ve been a conference coordinator for the last 10 years, and it’s given me financial abundance with which to live my life.
But something was always missing. Even though I have so much, and am so blessed, I felt restless. I want adventure, in the deep core of me. This comes from spontaneity, which is something that doesn’t come naturally to a planner. I have a deep existential desire to experience transformation.
Two years ago, I would never have done the things I’ve done today. I wouldn’t have been as brave. But here I am, ready to tell you the impossible true story of something that happened to me in 2016 that changed my outlook on life forever. Something that encouraged me to be fearless in the face of uncertainty. It was a “lightning moment” that shocked me into a new reality. May it give you hope that your own moment could happen at any time.
PART ONE: The Choice
I stared through the foggy window of my mother’s guest bedroom, just before 9am on Wednesday, February 10, 2016, at a small, unassuming Cruise America RV that was parked across the street by the abandoned elementary school. It was unusually cold outside, and I was exhausted. Just the day before, around 4pm, I had made the decision to pack up myself, my husband, our three-year-old daughter and barely three-month-old son, into our Honda for a thirteen-hour-drive to make it here.
Because Billy Corgan of the Smashing Pumpkins said he’d be at my mom’s house at 9am.
The day before this fateful morning, I was out and about with my baby Eli. I was still on maternity leave, and my time was my own. I went to HomeGoods and bought some candles. I snagged a grande vanilla latte. I got some lunch at P. Terry’s Burger Stand. The week before, I was having lunch with my husband and baby in tow at a little Mexican place, and there amid the queso and enchiladas, I told him about Billy Corgan and how he was driving around the country to interview people about the “American Dream.” In my fantasy-land of maternity leave boredom, I had written a nice, concise response to Billy’s website’s contact form, suggesting they go to my mom’s house in Tennessee because she has a lot of cool antiques that I knew Billy would like. I put my contact info in the form, hit send, and forgot about it.
On this particular day, I didn’t check my email until I got home, which is unusual for me as I’m often glued to my phone. When I sat down at my computer, I saw a notification on Facebook. Billy’s most recent live video popped up, and lo and behold I watched him walk the train tracks of Selmer, TN – a small town very near my own small hometown of Somerville. He was snapping pictures of the tracks and abandoned buildings with his friend, long-bearded and brainy pro-wrestler Jocephus Hudson. I couldn’t believe they were so close to “home.”
My son, Eli, was still sleeping in his carseat, so I continued browsing and checked my email. And there it was: the subject line read “Is anyone available?” It was from Justin, Billy’s friend, and it read:
Hi Laura,
Would love to know what the availability is of doing interviews in Somerville today or tomorrow if possible. Could you provide me with a contact number for you or your relatives?
Respectfully, Justin
I did a double, triple, quadruple-take.
It was almost 4pm. It was a Tuesday.
At this very moment, I had a choice to make. At this very moment, there were a dozen realities swirling in the ethereal sea above my head, waiting to see which one I would choose.
So, I called my mom. That was the first step, right?! Mom had to be on board with them coming to her house. My heart was racing. Mom picked up, and I explained feverishly what was happening. Eli stirred in his car seat. He would be awake soon. Mom knew who Billy was, due to my teenage obsession, and she screamed a teen-idol scream. She said yes, of course they could come, but what on Earth…?! So I hung up and responded to Justin, giving them my Mom’s number.
I live in Austin, TX, and Somerville, TN is almost a 13-hour drive away. My planner brain kicked in, and I started to do the math. Meanwhile, Justin called my mom, and she graciously said she needed to “vacuum” before they came over, to which he laughed. And they said not to worry - they’d come tomorrow morning, around 9am.
My mom told me the details and I started going through scenarios. Not only did I have a three-month-old, but I also had a three-year-old, and a husband with a job. I could take Eli with me and spring for a last-minute flight. But who knows if we’d make it on time.
Then I made the craziest decision I’ve ever made.
I decided that we needed to drive there.
PART 2: The Visit
I called my husband, who was a high school teacher at the time. He was just getting out of school to go pick up our daughter from daycare. I tried to explain what was going on. Luckily, he already knew I’d submitted that form last week so I didn’t have to explain much. David listened calmly. It was around 5pm. I asked him, ultimately, “what should I do?” After a few moments of contemplation, he said he’d bring Nora home, and we would drive.
Holy. Shit.
I immediately threw diapers, clothes, and food into suitcases. I didn’t have time to pick and choose, I just had to throw things in. Eli was awake at this point, and started crying to get out of his seat, so I obliged him and, holding him, continued working. I sat down to breastfeed him right before David arrived home with Nora.
We made the necessary pet arrangements. I called my friend Becca, who was in the middle of getting her hair colored, to tell her to “stop everything, Billy Corgan is going to my mom’s house,” and would she take care of my cat? My mystified friend said, “Ok?!” Then, we dropped the dog off at our local boarding place.
We loaded up and left at 6pm – in the height of Austin traffic. We could barely make it out of the city and I worried we had missed our window of getting there on time. Eventually, we did make it out, and committed to the long drive.
At 10pm, both kids were melting down. Nora asked why we were going to NaNa’s house and said she didn’t want to go anymore. Eli just wanted to be held. We calmed them down, gave them some food (and milk), and eventually, they fell asleep. We pushed on through the night. I had to wear headphones blasting electronic dance music at full volume so I wouldn’t fall asleep and wouldn’t wake the kids. I had to take breaks to interact with the breast-pump and try to feed Eli as well. It was madness, but we made it. We arrived at 7am – 13 hours after we hit the road. Any later, and we would have missed the whole thing.
Eli was still sleeping when we entered my mom’s house. I took the world’s fastest shower and tried to do my makeup. I was more tired than I’ve ever been, but I was running on adrenaline. I didn’t even know if Billy would come. I didn’t even know if this was real. My mind cooked up a whirlwind of scenarios. What if they were just coming to make fun of us? I mean, what if they weren’t nice people, what if this was going to be an awful experience? What if my teenage idol didn’t “like” me or acknowledge me or if I didn’t ask the right questions, or look good enough?
Thankfully, I didn’t dwell on those thoughts in that moment. There were so many unknowns, my head was swimming, but the exhaustion didn’t allow me to fully feel the fear. All I thought was, “Will he show up? Will they really show up?”
Little did I know what was going to happen next.
At 9am on the dot, the RV parked across the street by the abandoned elementary school. Eli was sleeping and Nora was happily playing with my parents. David and I watched as Billy and his two friends, all impossibly tall dudes, stepped out of the RV and rounded the big wraparound porch to the front of my mother’s house. David checked in with me, “Are you ready for this?” Bleary-eyed, more tired than I’d ever been, I smiled, and my Dad opened the door for them to walk through.
I want to stop here and say this: I could have done anything in that moment. I could have exploded into tears. I could have hidden in a corner. But I stood there, faced Billy like he was a normal person, and shook his hand. We explained that we drove through the night, and he was impressed. What followed was Billy Corgan walking around my childhood home, admiring my mom’s myriad collection of antiques, looking into my childhood bedroom (what?!), sitting upstairs in our informal den and talking to us about his film project.
Holy. Shit, y’all.
He interviewed my mom and I sat on the stairs and listened. Then, he asked me to come over and interview with him, too. He asked me questions that I had ALWAYS needed to be asked by someone – let alone by my favorite rock star. I can’t divulge much here as we signed a nondisclosure agreement (whoa!) but I will say, it was a lot about my upbringing and my hopes for the future. I told Billy that he was hitting so many huge questions for me, and at the end of the interview, I cried, and he hugged me.
After the interviews, Justin suggested that we all take photos, so I have photographic evidence, y’all – and videos. Billy even stepped into the living room and played the piano with my daughter.
The visit lasted about two and a half hours. When they packed up and were all done, I went immediately to lie down on the couch and just let everything go. I knew this was something epic, but I had no idea what it “meant” or even how to process it! I messaged my old high school friend on Facebook and we met the next day for coffee in midtown Memphis. I showed him the photos and videos and it was so surreal. But even more surreal was seeing him and talking to him after fifteen years of very little contact. It’s amazing what these big moments in life will make a person do.
We stayed at my mom’s house an extra day and then we had to pack it up for the long drive home. I was more thankful for my parents in ways I have never been before.
You see, every single moment in my life had led me to this moment. If anything at all had been different, I wouldn’t have been able to make this journey and have this experience.
PART 3: Returning Home
It was close to Valentine’s Day and I had already booked a “crazy” trip to Houston for us to see a Cirque du Soleil show and stay in a hotel for the first time with kids – little did I know that we would be driving back to Texas from the craziest trip of our lives. On Friday, we landed at the Houston hotel and crashed. Staying in a hotel with two little ones and seeing the Cirque show was easy compared to what had just happened. I kept the experience quiet on social media and tried to process it throughout our little weekend together.
We finally made it home on Sunday and I can only describe the feeling as that sinking emotion you feel after you’ve planned a wedding and it’s over: you get to the highest heights and then there is nothing left.
After I became a mother, I felt like a lot of “what if” doors closed for me. What if I wanted to sleep in ‘til noon and have no one bother me? What if my husband and I want to stay out ‘til 2am at a concert? What if I wanted to just pack up and go on a trip one day? What if I wanted to devote all my free time to writing and writing and writing? I thought all of these what if’s were now impossible. But now I see that nothing is impossible, especially with children – with enough consideration, they can come along for the ride, or they can be left safely with someone else, or they can be right in the mix of everything. Adulting can be super hard, but we can’t let this life get to us. We have no idea what the next day will bring.
Since my experience, I have said “yes” to so many things in life and have received a resounding “thank you, here’s more!” from the universe. Maybe It’s all about perspective, but I have asked the universe to bring me exciting opportunities and it has delivered. That’s not to say that I don’t plan out these things, I most definitely do, but I am less afraid to do them now. I am not afraid to ask for what I want and what I need.
It’s only when you are knee-deep in uncertainty that you can make that giant leap forward. When you’re unable to think, and there are so many thoughts swirling... When everything you’ve ever done or known is staring you in the face and telling you that you need to back down – but instead, you rise up. I can only liken it to giving birth – pushing past that point of complete uncomfortableness, to appear on the other end with a tremendous sense of relief and a new life in your hands. We birth ourselves again and again in this life, moving inward and searching, being challenged outside, and finally emerging as something new.
There are so many factors that go into getting a person somewhere - physically, mentally, emotionally. Every single thing you do takes concerted effort. Pat yourself on the back for the little things and keep plugging away, because one day that “big” moment will come along and you’ve got to be ready. If any one thing had been different in my life – my job, my husband (how amazing that he helped me get there!), my kids, my parents, even the place where I grew up, my actual mother’s house, my physical wellbeing that day - ANY one thing, I would not have gotten to experience this. The experience itself was great, but the getting there was the epic part. The getting there was the adventure. And afterwards, now, is the new world created by it.
Hi friend!
I'm Catia, a woman, wife, mama, sister, sister friend, you know -- I wear a million hats just like you.
One of my biggest whys is that I want people to feel good about ALL of who they are. Including you.
The threads running through all my work (I’m an author - The Courage to Become, I’m a motivational speaker - TEDx, Choose Joy or Die , I am a private coach ) are hope, joy and empowerment.
If I could choose ten words that best describe me I would say: honest, welcoming, giving, curious, loving, earnest, empathetic, spiritual, playful, and sassy. Let's add: adventurous. That's 11.
Nice to meet you!
Want to start feeling really good but not sure where to start? Jump on into our virtual classroom (complimentary of course!) and get a weekly guide on how to walk with confidence and joy! You are divine. You are magic. I look forward to serving you!
Confidence + Joy Weekly Guide
The Courage to Become | Camaron Brooks
The Courage to Stand UP. Follow the yellow brick road and find your TRUTH.
Manifesting Mama - I am an uber- believer in the law of attraction. I am also a self-help junkie. I've definitely manifested things in my life. I wanted a cookie one day while working as a reporter for KRGV and no sooner did I make my mental request did a co-worker offer me one dripping with chocolate chips. Exactly what I ordered.
I dreamed about a job in TV news dating back to the fourth grade. I anchored a school-wide broadcast and loved it. I told everyone who would listen what I was going to do with my life. In college, I heard "that's tough to get into..." or "you really have to have the right look." I saw their faces. I witnessed the doubt. I kept working. I interned at CNN (once catching a glimpse of Larry King in the elevator.) I interned at KTLA and when the staffers announced a contest open to college students (including me) I applied. I told everyone at school to apply too. "Wouldn't it be so great if someone from Cal State Fullerton got picked?"
And they did! My first live shot for the contest was at the Staples Center at an L.A. Clippers game. I kept advancing as the contest continued. I met the members of the 90’s band Smash Mouth, the Los Angeles Times printed my picture. Brian McKnight even asked if I needed a ride after a tapping. I said, "No, thank you." I had a boyfriend. I also secretly hoped he didn't see my car. Zip ties held the bumper of my green Honda Civic on in two places. The winner won $25,000 dollars. I made it to the finals placing second. As the runner-up, I got a Jack in the Box Ciabatta.
That was ten years ago. The footage helped me land my first TV job in Midland, TX. I drove that beat up Honda across four states a few months later. It was tough. I grew through major self-doubt for two years before I started looking for my next job. I applied to nearly 100 jobs during the great recession. I finally found a job at KRGV in 2009. The Rio Grande Valley felt like home. I learned so much about life and myself. I made great friends and I stretched until I was 29-years-old and practically prancing around the Channel 5 newsroom talking about how I wanted a family. I wanted babies. I told everyone. I made vision boards and started seeing a counselor, a life coach and read lots of self- help and prayed. (Not to spoil the ending but... My vision came to life. I’m married with two beautiful babies.)
Detrimental determination - I've always known how much our thoughts influence our lives. If I wanted something I could make it happen. Nothing could stop me. It's one of my best/worst traits. Now that I’m turning 34 I understand my own limitations better. I certainly believe my thoughts steer my life but I now know God is the sails and the wind and the sky and the sun. Steering the ship isn't enough. I can't make it to shore alone. I probably felt like I needed to go it alone because I started moving so young. My parents moved me from Illinois to California just weeks after I was born. Then we moved overseas to Germany for a few years before moving back to Stockton, CA. I went to three elementary schools and two middle schools and in my senior year of High School my parents moved two hours south. I ended up testing out of High School and starting junior college. Everyone told me I would fail without a proper diploma. I bucked the idea. I kept working toward my goals.
I know, it’s weird—I managed to ignore so many negative voices throughout my life when I spent so much time trying desperately to make people like me. I moved so often, I needed to fit in. In fact, fitting in was my life goal. I was so embarrassed when I won awards. Or stood out. I didn’t want to give anyone a reason not to like me. I was determined to be friends with everyone. I dragged this determination into my romantic relationships. I mistakenly believed I alone could make them work. I ignored signs of trouble. I ate my feelings. I drank too much. I did anything to help me ignore my own discontentment. I believed I merely needed to control my thoughts (and I suppressed lots of feelings in the process.)
In 2011, my news director gave me a great opportunity for career growth. I would anchor weekend mornings and report three days a week. I immediately felt enormous pressure and fell into a depression. I sobbed to a co-worker the day my nephew was born. I wanted to be there. I enjoyed my work but my nephew’s arrival forced me to see what I was missing and the job was starting to force me to stand out beyond my comfort zone. My face was on all the promotional videos. My determination had gotten me into what felt like a VIP party and all I could do was grab two crab cakes and a carrot from the bountiful buffet. I was too confused and embarrassed to enjoy it. Did I really want this? Or was I just so determined to reach my goal at any cost? Did I want a family more than my old dreams? A couple of years later I got my answers. I decided I wanted a family more than a career.
Wild Spirit- I may love cardigans, reading (especially anything Oprah suggests) and quiet coffee shops but there’s also a wildness to me most people don’t always recognize. I probably don’t want people to see (the part of me that went skinny dipping in a Las Vegas pool, or who jumped out of an airplane, or who wrote a book and published it). So, I find it difficult to properly put myself out there. My book debuted without pre-orders or parties. It’s like I found an unwanted kitten, posted it on Facebook and dropped off at a shelter (convinced I’d done my due diligence.) I tried to move on but it nagged me. The book was funny and enjoyable—at least the few people who read it told me. Couldn’t I do a little more? Didn’t my story deserve my best effort?
I cried in the shower, wrote through contractions, and discovered how difficult it is for me to enjoy the moment. That’s why I started writing my story. I couldn’t be the only mom going through this massive identity crisis. Motherhood opened me up the all the ways I tried to control my thoughts and emotions. My new role tested me in every way. Pre-baby I focused on my career and the future. After baby, I needed to commit myself to living in the moment. I found comfort in retelling the stories of my reporting days while incorporating it into my new reality.
My e-book debuted almost a year ago. Today, I see how clearly I tried to hide behind the difficulties of the self-publishing. How I refused to be fully seen yet again. I didn't believe I deserved the spotlight. Sure, I could manifest a cookie but what about a successful writing career?
Get Out of the Vault- I ran tapes to and from the tape library during my internship with CNN. It was quite an elaborate system with barcodes and specifically labeled tapes. During my frequent visits to the vault I met a nice man who managed the archives. He asked me what I wanted to do with my life. I told him what I told everyone… “I wanted to be a reporter.”
“Then go where they’ll let you report.” He said. “I always wanted to be a photographer. I took this job because I thought it would get my foot in the door. That was twenty years ago.”
I heard what he was saying. I went far away from Southern California to a place where I could be a reporter. I learned the craft and sharpened my skills. Over the years I started to realize my favorite part of my day was the moment I sat down to WRITE. I enjoyed the other aspects of my job, especially hearing all the amazing stories from the people I met. BUT I was called to write. Writing felt sacred. I continued to write online after I left the business because I remembered those words.
If you want to be a singer (for example) go ahead and take the job in the mailroom at Sony Records only if you’re singing in church, coffee shops and on the street. Don’t take the job and wait for someone to give you a chance to sing. You’ll never get it. Start doing what you love TODAY.
As the saying goes…“comfort is a hard habit to break.” Stay far away from the vault!
Limiting Beliefs - Parenting certainly finds a way to show you what you believe. I stood in the middle of a Toys-R-Us when one of my limiting beliefs smacked me around. Brandon held tightly to a Paw Patrol Control tower. We’d just given him a very expensive battery-operated truck. "Brandon, you can't have everything..." I told my three-year-old with conviction.
And there it was. The belief—limiting everything in my life. The idea living inside of me saying I couldn't have this amazing family AND an amazing career. Somehow I always believed I must choose. Motherhood certainly asks us to prioritize at different times our kid’s lives but my unexamined belief meant I needed to choose. Success or family. Never both.
I want my son and daughter to know the value of things and I want them to be generous. I also want them to know that they can work and eventually manifest everything their little hearts can dream up. Life is bountiful! We should all enjoy the buffet. That’s why I'm currently trying to shift my thinking away from my old limiting beliefs. I’m tired of holding myself back.
Instead of trying not to stand out, I am focusing on standing up. I'm a woman with important stories to share. Aren't we all? Doesn't every soul on this earth have a powerful, beautiful, stirring story in their heart? I know you do. I want to read your story.
My becoming will unfold until my last breath. I’ve learned so much and still have so much to learn and give. I love cheering on Catia Holm as she chases her dreams. She makes me feel like anything is possible with her brand of fearlessness and self-confidence. Plus, isn’t becoming contagious? She reminds us all to stand up for our dreams.
Trusting God’s Timing- Being in a relationship can be another way to hide. I’ve certainly hidden in my past relationships. I didn’t need to venture out and truly be myself because I was a part of a couple. I remember telling an ex-boyfriend I might want to be a teacher or a writer. He scoffed and told me “you’re a reporter.”
Ultimately, I ended that relationship in order to find my own happiness. I left in a blur of tears and suffered a miscarriage in the middle of the breakup. (For a woman, praying for a family it was shocking and painful.) Looking back I see how God was whispering for me to trust Him and His timing.
My husband was the first man who didn't try to control me. He’s excited if I tell him I'm going to write a children's book, or a screenplay, or launch a podcast. (Or whatever I've dreamt up this week.) He's my number one supporter and fan. I'm his too. But now, I'm determined to become my own biggest cheerleader. I've started writing articles and sharing them. I revived a blog site and started the process of pitching a picture book manuscript to agents. I am embracing the process and loving the excitement of not knowing WHEN everything will come together.
There's no choice between my family AND success. The world is big enough and bright enough for me to celebrate both. I'm finally standing up—Guys, I’m back in line at the buffet table and I’m going straight for the chocolate chip cookies. Life really is sweet.
A little ditty about courage and motherhood…
There is nobody more courageous than a mother. We’re asked to let go from our baby’s first breath. I remember holding my tummy and missing the baby inside hours after giving birth. Pregnant no more. We feed twelve times a day and get used to watching our angels sleep in our arms. Then seemingly out of nowhere they’re too heavy to hold. It’s time to roll over. It’s time to stack and clap and laugh out loud. Then we get lulled into thinking this is how life will be. An ear infection hits. We lose sleep. Teeth break through. Weeks crawl then so do our babies. We lose time letting go of our ideas of what motherhood would be like. We adjust to what it’s really like. We let go of everything we can no longer juggle. We let go of our expectations. We become things we never thought we would. We become ourselves. We become just like our mothers. We become courageous as we watch our loves teeter on their own feet for the first time. Then we’re asked to say goodbye to a baby and greet a toddler with birthday cake and balloons.
More change. We’re asked to let go of their hands when they want to play at the park with friends. We’re asked to let go of picking out their clothes when they decide what to wear. We’re asked to change the radio when they don’t like a song anymore. We’re asked to let go of who we were and who we thought they should be. We’re asked to let go of knowing what will happen. We’re asked to reckon with our own limitations. We can’t always protect them. We try. We pray. We let go a little more. We’re asked to let go of everything we once believed about parenting. We thought we’d never…fill in the blank. We’re asked to say goodbye to the idea of love. We’re asked to truly and courageously pour love from and beyond ourselves.
This is the gift and challenge of motherhood— it’s an unraveling of the soul. We’re tethered to change. It’s like folding laundry with kids. They’re always playfully pulling us apart, unfolding the tidy ideas we hold of ourselves, tugging at our bound up emotions. We wrestle with fear, anger and annoyance. We practice patience. We practice gratitude. Kids teach us pure presence. We play again. We let go of our need to be perfect. We let go of just knowing—we start living. We read more. We learn more. We follow thought leaders like Dr. Brené Brown and Dr. Shefali Tsabary. We tackle our limiting beliefs. We pray. We let go a little more. We’re asked to let go of the cruelty we once reserved for ourselves. We’re someone’s mother. We practice compassion. We’re expected to explore our own dreams so we don’t shove them onto our children.
We become, again and again. We let go of the idea that we’ll never be scared. We’re scared at least twice a day when we look into their lovely little eyes. God please keep them safe. We’re scared when we turn off the lights. Did we teach them enough? Did we hold them enough? Do they know how much we love them? Did we scold too harshly? Did we enjoy it all? Did we savor the time? We breathe. Tomorrow’s another day of letting go.
Essay by: Camaron Brooks
Wasn't that awesome?! The first time I read it, I was shaking my head up and down mumbling, Yes, yes, yes.
I know you already love Camaron as much as I do! Here's how you can keep up with her.
Facebook / Instagram / Reporting Live From Studio B
And don't forget to pick up a copy of her book here!
Hi friend!
I'm Catia, a woman, wife, mama, sister, sister friend, you know -- I wear a million hats just like you.
One of my biggest whys is that I want people to feel good about ALL of who they are. Including you.
The threads running through all my work (I’m an author - The Courage to Become, I’m a motivational speaker - TEDx, Choose Joy or Die , I am a private coach ) are hope, joy and empowerment.
If I could choose ten words that best describe me I would say: honest, welcoming, giving, curious, loving, earnest, empathetic, spiritual, playful, and sassy. Let's add: adventurous. That's 11.
Nice to meet you!
Want to start feeling really good but not sure where to start? Jump on into our virtual classroom (complimentary of course!) and get a weekly guide on how to walk with confidence and joy! You are divine. You are magic. I look forward to serving you!
