When you're loved so well, you know you're enough | A farewell to The Mujeres Increibles
When I landed in Panama, I did not know one person. A week after we landed, I found a small gym and started taking Zumba classes. Sometimes, I was the only student. Awkward. In Austin, where I had lived before, I was a member of a large gym with 456 class offerings and all sorts of amenities. Stepping foot into the simplest of gyms was quite a departure. Still, I went. And after a few months of taking Zumba classes, I started to feel my courage bubble up. Many people would say it is not courageous to want to teach a fitness class in a tiny beach town in Central America. But it was my version of bold.
I contacted the owner and threw my hat in the ring. “I’d love to teach a class!”
She replied, “Do you have any type of certification?”
“No, I don’t, but I can lead.”
“Okay, thanks, I’ll keep it in mind.”
Total strikeout.
I’m not sure what I expected since I had no training, but still, the rejection stung a little.
BUT, a few weeks later, the owner called me and asked if I could substitute teach two Zumba classes. “Sure!” I was so thrilled. I watched YouTube videos and practiced moves. Picture it.
Okay. Stop picturing it.
The big day arrived, and I was ready was 4, maybe even 5 students!
One sweet lady showed. Marie.
It was a dumpster fire of an hour. 5, 6, 7, 8.
I was so pitiful at teaching Zumba. I’m cringing just thinking about it. I had NO CLUE what I was doing or how to communicate.
Still, I went home and practiced more. I’m no quitter, and I had a second class to teach!
Again, Marie was the only student. And again, I totally sucked.
It was so humbling and embarrassing.
I left with my tail between my legs.
I returned, with relief to my spot as a student.
A few weeks went by, and my phone rang. It was the owner of the gym. “Can you teach a weights class?”
“HELL YES I CAN! I have been working out since I was about 18 years old, and I have done thousands of weight class, Cross Fit classes, cardio classes, all sorts of things!”
This I could do.
So I showed up, ready, and confident.
On my first day, I had four students. Irina, Andrea, Cinthia, and Lole.
I didn’t know any of the ladies previous to the class, but it was an absolute blast! I had only been in Panama for a few months, and I still didn’t have friends. But I wanted friends. Maybe they could be my friends?
We came to Panama as a family to slow down, to take things off of our career plates, and to enjoy our children more. And the more we slowed down, the more space feelings had to rise to the surface.
For so long, I had been paying the meter on my career. Even when my career was running bars and restaurants, I had to be in constant forward motion. I thought that my worth was attached to who I was affiliated with, what I was producing, and what I could give other people. I always had some impressive pieces to present. Maybe it was that I had a great job and interacted with famous people, maybe it was that I lived in a fancy neighborhood, maybe it was that I published a book, maybe it was that I was a TEDx speaker. I could always hang my hat on some external thing, and that always brought me a sense of relief. If they know this ______________, then I’ll be validated.
But I started to notice, at the end of every finish line crossed, I never felt any different. I always felt like the same person. Never better or more validated or more qualified. And I started to get curious.
Who would I be without the hot poker of achievement moving me forward? Could I just be still? Would I be happy with my life, with myself if I was bare?
And so when I landed in Panama, I decided to do an experiment. I decided to let it all go.
It helped that all the hooks I used to hang my hat on, were nonexistent in Panama. There were no book stores, no bloggers, and there was no speaking circuit. No one was trying to amass a following or build a career.
And it was a HUGE relief. I never had to talk about work or my husband’s job or my career. None of it was important.
In the community where we landed, there was NO COMPETITION, even subconsciously, for anything. And even though it took me time to find the language for it, my body and heart knew, “Oh, this, this is what we’ve been needing.”
And so, for the first time maybe ever, I was myself.
I presented as Catia. Mom of two girls, wife to husband, from Texas. That was it. I didn’t have any stories attached to me. My history wasn’t important, the only thing that mattered was the present moment. The clothes I wore or the house I lived in or the car I drove didn’t matter. All that mattered was that my friends and I went for coffee and bagels after gym class. Who I was married to didn’t matter. All that mattered was that he was friendly.
And so I would show up to my gym class, and teach. I’d blare good music, and I would cheer on my students and laugh while I made up crazy workout combos. Slowly, we started to schedule play dates and text back and forth and eat meals together. My students had no idea that this way of living was absolutely foreign to me. They were too, just being themselves.
The gym was the most perfect place for me to land. It was everything I loved – women, music, teaching, encouraging, and fitness all rolled into one. I would cheer my students on and say things like, “embarrassment doesn’t exist here,” and “no one gets left behind!” I’d remind them of how sexy and strong they were. And we went from teacher/student to friend/friend.
We had so many laughs, and we also had tender moments. One day during class, my friend started crying. I’ll never forget it. I stopped class, and I walked over to her and just hugged her. She kept crying on my shoulder, and I told her it was going to be okay, and that she could cry. We stood in the middle of ten women, hugging. And when the tears stopped, we started the class up again. No further explanation. A pause, some tears, and a bear hug were enough.
My students who became friends were from all over! Russia, South Africa, Panama, Slovakia, Peru, Chile, Brazil, Canada, USA, Colombia, Cuba – so much diversity in one small gym class. Many a morning spent together, working out and pushing our bodies and also giving ourselves time, as women, as moms and wives to do some self-care. I taught three classes a week for about a year. It was the greatest surprise.
And so a few days ago, when they threw me a surprise farewell brunch, I was so tender and teary.
My friends walked me into Barbara’s house (one of our other friends) to see her “new decorations,” and they yelled, “SURPRISE!”
And I wept.
No one had ever thrown a surprise party for me. My first ever!
All my girlfriends were there, and I was overflowing with gratitude.
The brunch layout was the best I’d ever seen, and every detail from the infused water to the coffee cups was perfect. I felt so loved and cared for. I was on the brink of tears the entire time, and so when they started presenting me with the most touching and personal gifts, I lost it. And I knew I had to tell them what I had realized.
I told them about landing in Panama and having no one. I said how I valued them. I told them how I was so grateful for their love and friendship, and I gave them to utmost thanks for guiding me back to myself.
Me without achievement. The real me.
They showed me that I, on my own, was enough.
I
Was
Enough.
I’m not sure I had ever felt that before.
Many people love me and have loved me through many stages.
But I had never put myself in a situation where I had taken SO MUCH off my career plate that I was left kind of empty-handed, nothing to show off.
The entire experience was freeing and liberating and absolutely life-changing.
I am deeply grateful for every single one of these ladies. They will be a part of me forever.
Mujeres Increibles, Majo, Allison, Nina, Adriana, Pam, Natalia, Lole, Irina, Barbara, Cinthia, Julie, Judy, Bia, Andrea S., and Andrea L.,
Gracias por amarme bien. Son una bendicion! El mundo tiene suerte de tenerte, y mas que nada eres suficiente.
Thank you for loving me well. You are angels on earth. The world is lucky to have you, and above all else, you are enough.
Hi friend!
I'm Catia, a woman, wife, mama, sister, sister friend, you know -- I wear a million hats just like you.
One of my biggest whys is that I want people to feel good about ALL of who they are. Including you.
The threads running through all my work (I’m an author - The Courage to Become, I’m a motivational speaker - TEDx, Choose Joy or Die , I am a private coach ) are hope, joy and empowerment.
If I could choose ten words that best describe me I would say: honest, welcoming, giving, curious, loving, earnest, empathetic, spiritual, playful, and sassy. Let's add: adventurous. That's 11.
Nice to meet you!
Want to start feeling really good but not sure where to start? Jump on into our virtual classroom (complimentary of course!) and get a weekly guide on how to walk with confidence and joy! You are divine. You are magic. I look forward to serving you!
Confidence + Joy Weekly Guide
Shine your brightest,
We are packing our bags and....
In 2018 our youngest, Luciana, turned a year old. And as parents of young children, EVERY SINGLE PERSON advised us to, “savor the moment,” and “enjoy the girls.” They told us “things will go by in a flash,” and “don’t miss it.” And so Guapo and I looked at each other and thought, we’d better listen.
So we made a plan. We would slow down. We would take things off our plates. We would choose to BE with our young girls and cherish the days.
So in March of 2018, we decided we’d leave our beloved Austin, put our careers on hold and we’d take a life sabbatical.
We’d go somewhere where life was slow, and we could just be together.
A few months later, in May of 2018, we gave away half of our belongings, stored the rest, and moved to Panama. Panama, Central America. All of it went pretty quickly.
Guapo did all the planning, and I packed our bags. I landed on Panamanian soil, sight unseen. I didn’t do a lick of research. I just trusted.
We arrived with 6 suitcases, 2 car seats, a stroller, a 3.5-year-old and a 1.5-year-old.
The night we arrived, Guapo assured me a luxury van was going to pick us up and take us to a hotel. When we walked out of the airport into the wet humidity, I saw no luxury vans. But I did see some janky vans. “That one!” He was pointing to the janky van. “Oh my God,” I thought. I got in the van, and it didn’t have a way to affix the car seats. “Great,” I’m in a foreign country, and I can’t keep my baby safe. What did we get ourselves into?
But then we walked into our new home, and I thought, “alright, alright, alright!” It was clean and beautiful and had so much space! Turns out, the cost of living in Panama is A LOT less than Austin.
The girls’ bedrooms were the priority, and so we went to go buy a crib for Luci, and Guapo asked for “ropa” to tie the crib to the top of our rental car. And so they kept sending him to the 2nd level of the store – where they sold….CLOTHES! Lasso. It’s a lasso. We needed a lasso to tie the crib.
We have SO many of those stories.
It took us about 3 months, but we learned a new way of life. A slow one. When I arrived, I continually wanted to be productive and busy because that’s how I had always operated. But in Coronado, there was nothing to do. There was the beach, the gym, and golf. Those were your choices. And so, I learned to just sit and not rush from place to place.
And then, the most magical part started to happen. We began to BECOME more attuned to our children. We spent days, seeing them for who they were. We learned better ways to parent. We took so much off our plate that we did what we set out to do – we enjoyed our girls. We spent countless hours in the pool and in the hammock and dancing in the kitchen. We absolutely changed the dynamic of our family. We learned how to be intentional with words and time, and we have seen our girls flourish because of it.
And once the four of us got our bearings, we started to settle in, and build a community. We made Coronado, ( a small beach town 90 miles west of Panama City) our home. We became friendly with the fruit stand attendants, the beach club staff, the team at our local salon. I took a part-time job as a gym instructor and even got a Zumba Strong certification along the way. Guapo went surfing and started Jiu-Jitsu. And we had BBQs and game nights and play dates with friends. We really loved people, and they loved us back.
And now Alexandra is 5 and Luciana is rounding the corner on 3, and it’s time to pack our bags and go back to Texas.
We have had a rough several months here health-wise and a few nights ago our home got broken into while we were sleeping. But even though the last few months have been rough – I am still so glad we came.
We did it.
We did it.
I mean, I’m just a girl from Weslaco. I grew up in the same house my entire life. Getting up and moving to a foreign country was a big deal for me. And I did it. I figured it out. I figured out the traffic and directions. I figured out how to teach a gym class in Spanish! I figured out health care and school systems. I figured out how to build a community, one intentional act at a time.
Today, I told some of my friends we were moving, and my girlfriend said, “What are we going to do without your light?” She squeezed me tight. And I cried.
Never in my wildest dreams did I picture our life sabbatical unfolding the way it did.
It was rich in experience and love and courage. We did exactly what we set out to do – we slowed down, and we loved Alexandra and Luciana well. Which may sound cheesy, but how good do you feel when someone loves you wholly and completely? We are all the better for it.
What an adventure.
If you’re out there and you’re wondering if you should take a leap. DO IT. If you’re wondering -- it’s because your soul knows it needs to stretch. It’s because your soul knows that there’s so much to be experienced and learned and felt and enjoyed when you take the leap. I can’t tell you how your leap will turn out, I can’t promise you it’ll turn out like a fairy tale, but I can guarantee you that you will be delighted when you realize just how strong and capable you are. Go for it, adventure awaits. And come back and tell us the story.
Hi friend!
I'm Catia, a woman, wife, mama, sister, sister friend, you know -- I wear a million hats just like you.
One of my biggest whys is that I want people to feel good about ALL of who they are. Including you.
The threads running through all my work (I’m an author - The Courage to Become, I’m a motivational speaker - TEDx, Choose Joy or Die , I am a private coach ) are hope, joy and empowerment.
If I could choose ten words that best describe me I would say: honest, welcoming, giving, curious, loving, earnest, empathetic, spiritual, playful, and sassy. Let's add: adventurous. That's 11.
Nice to meet you!
Want to start feeling really good but not sure where to start? Jump on into our virtual classroom (complimentary of course!) and get a weekly guide on how to walk with confidence and joy! You are divine. You are magic. I look forward to serving you!
Confidence + Joy Weekly Guide
Shine your brightest,
2018. A Lot Happened.
I have never taken time to reflect about the previous year, and I don’t think I have ever been intentional about the upcoming year. I always just keep going.
But something was different this year.
I wanted to sit down and reflect. What did I actually DO in 2018? I didn’t want the time to slip away without the acknowledging of moments. Because as I get older, moments get so much more important to me. Do they get more important to you too?
Over the last few days I’ve thought about all that happened in 2018. It started with construction paper and a crayon. And then I took some time to write down my intentions for 2019. Standard issue for a lot of people, but it’s my first crack at it!
This list is so personal that it may not resonate with you. BUT - you have your own list of life happenings. Things that you leaped for and reached. Moments that brought you heartache. Moments you wish you could do over, moments you want to hold in your heart forever.
I sat down and looked at my cell phone pictures over the last year - so this list is long and yet truncated.
There are so many things not on this list that I value deeply.
When Luciana started to “say” grace before meals, when Guapo and I worked our way through some heavy moments, when Alexandra started to sing her way through the days and her ad-lib lyrics were, “You have the power of creation,” when Beau came to me in my dreams.
I lived a lot of life in 2018, and this is my way of acknowledging it.
2018 Happened
First book store event – Book People
Joined Noonday Collection, tried it — was terrible, left Noonday Collection ( blog on that later.)
Joined LIVE A GREAT STORY
Celebrated Luciana’s 1 year birthday
Guest on Network TV spots for The Courage to Become
Locked keys in car, the girls and I thanked someone for helping us by sharing a Popsicle.
Got to see Rob Bell with best friend Sarah
Moxie Matters Tour with Mom
Mom and I got closer
Barnes and Noble event for The Courage to Become
Used a fancy mic for the first time
Easter with Beau Jackson
Said goodbye to Austin
Said goodbye to Beau Jackson
Applied for TEDx, Created a TEDx talk, gave a TEDx talk
Silent Meditation retreat with Dr. Shefali Tsabary
First Spanish TV spot for The Courage to Become - in Spanish!
Sent 1,000,000 Courage to Become packages to Oprah , heard nothing back.
Upped my Zoloft, tapered off of Zoloft
Purged material things
Largest keynote to date, 200 women
Gave first donated event as an author/speaker – benefiting CASA in Austin
First speaking event in a church, on an alter!
Visited Iowa
Lived with Mom and Dad for 6 weeks
Moved to Panama
Climbed a mountain – La India Dormida
Celebrated 35th birthday with new friends, now good friends
Meditated
Made friends with the Ocean
Went ATVing on a mountain with Comads
Explored Panama City
Visited Contadora Island 2x
Celebrated Alexandra’s 4th birthday
Hosted family in Panama
Celebrated 5th wedding anniversary
Settled family into a new community
Applied for a new job as a fitness instructor
Got Zumba Strong certified
Created a community of friends
Saw a live starfish
Worked with my family
Let go of needing to know
Therapy - progress
Raised my vibe
Let go of trauma
Started Jiu Jitsu
Earned first jiu jitsu stripe
Thought about going to Colombia, took family trip to Colombia
Learned more about non-toxic living – have a cleaner house
Shined a light on 16 women through The Courage to Become Feature Series
Spread awareness about sexual assault and post-partum depression
Started personal training
Dropped more into my center
Started to learn about treating my liver well.
How’s that for a sexy ending? Treating my liver well! ha! Listen, as I age, my health becomes more important and I know it’s all a process — A LONG process - and I’m okay with that, because I’m here for it all.
Taking the time to reflect was fulfilling in a way I did not expect. Some of my own take-aways were:
Wow, that’s a lot of life lived. That’s a lot of change. That was A LOT. I am very fortunate. I am busy. I am exploring. I am moving forward. I am living well. I am in the flow.
Do you take time to reflect on the previous year? What have you learned? What are some things that are on your 2019 action list?
Whatever may be on your list. Know you are loved and powerful and that I am rooting for you. You deserve to live the life you’ve always dreamed of.
Hi friend!
I'm Catia, a woman, wife, mama, sister, sister friend, you know -- I wear a million hats just like you.
One of my biggest whys is that I want people to feel good about ALL of who they are. Including you.
The threads running through all my work (I’m an author - The Courage to Become, I’m a motivational speaker - TEDx, Choose Joy or Die , I am a private coach ) are hope, joy and empowerment.
If I could choose ten words that best describe me I would say: honest, welcoming, giving, curious, loving, earnest, empathetic, spiritual, playful, and sassy. Let's add: adventurous. That's 11.
Nice to meet you!
Want to start feeling really good but not sure where to start? Jump on into our virtual classroom (complimentary of course!) and get a weekly guide on how to walk with confidence and joy! You are divine. You are magic. I look forward to serving you!
Confidence + Joy Weekly Guide
Shine your brightest,
The Courage to Become | Laura V. Tolin
Fearless in the Face of Uncertainty
Before I launch into this crazy true story of mine, there are a few things you need to know about me. First: I’m a planner. I believe more things get done, and are done better, when you plan for them. I’m the kid who, for the middle school band trip to Disney World, created a full-color info graphic for her friends to decide what rides were top-priority and to get everyone excited about all the planned activities we were going to do (much to everyone’s chagrin).
Second: I believe, despite perfect planning, our attitude and current environment impact what ultimately happens. Even deeper than that, I believe there are many realities possible in a single moment. That moment right before you have a car crash? It’s been preceded by all the moments in your entire life that have lead you to this singular reality. Think about that for a minute: every. Single. Action. Sound “woo-woo” enough? Maybe by the end of my story, you’ll come around to this idea.
Lastly, you should know I’m a mom of two living in Austin, TX since 2008 with my husband of 9 years. Our kids are 2 and (almost) 5, we have a dog and a cat and a beautiful house on a very quiet street. I’m originally from a small town of about 3,000 people in West Tennessee called Somerville, and my parents are still there, living in my great-grandmother’s Greek Revival-style house on Main Street.
I have a Bachelor’s in English and a Master’s in Theatre/Playwriting. I tried to plan my life out so that I would never do anything but write. But life had other plans for me: kids, cars, houses, travel, living far from family – things that require me to hold a full-time job that makes steady money. So, I’ve been a conference coordinator for the last 10 years, and it’s given me financial abundance with which to live my life.
But something was always missing. Even though I have so much, and am so blessed, I felt restless. I want adventure, in the deep core of me. This comes from spontaneity, which is something that doesn’t come naturally to a planner. I have a deep existential desire to experience transformation.
Two years ago, I would never have done the things I’ve done today. I wouldn’t have been as brave. But here I am, ready to tell you the impossible true story of something that happened to me in 2016 that changed my outlook on life forever. Something that encouraged me to be fearless in the face of uncertainty. It was a “lightning moment” that shocked me into a new reality. May it give you hope that your own moment could happen at any time.
PART ONE: The Choice
I stared through the foggy window of my mother’s guest bedroom, just before 9am on Wednesday, February 10, 2016, at a small, unassuming Cruise America RV that was parked across the street by the abandoned elementary school. It was unusually cold outside, and I was exhausted. Just the day before, around 4pm, I had made the decision to pack up myself, my husband, our three-year-old daughter and barely three-month-old son, into our Honda for a thirteen-hour-drive to make it here.
Because Billy Corgan of the Smashing Pumpkins said he’d be at my mom’s house at 9am.
The day before this fateful morning, I was out and about with my baby Eli. I was still on maternity leave, and my time was my own. I went to HomeGoods and bought some candles. I snagged a grande vanilla latte. I got some lunch at P. Terry’s Burger Stand. The week before, I was having lunch with my husband and baby in tow at a little Mexican place, and there amid the queso and enchiladas, I told him about Billy Corgan and how he was driving around the country to interview people about the “American Dream.” In my fantasy-land of maternity leave boredom, I had written a nice, concise response to Billy’s website’s contact form, suggesting they go to my mom’s house in Tennessee because she has a lot of cool antiques that I knew Billy would like. I put my contact info in the form, hit send, and forgot about it.
On this particular day, I didn’t check my email until I got home, which is unusual for me as I’m often glued to my phone. When I sat down at my computer, I saw a notification on Facebook. Billy’s most recent live video popped up, and lo and behold I watched him walk the train tracks of Selmer, TN – a small town very near my own small hometown of Somerville. He was snapping pictures of the tracks and abandoned buildings with his friend, long-bearded and brainy pro-wrestler Jocephus Hudson. I couldn’t believe they were so close to “home.”
My son, Eli, was still sleeping in his carseat, so I continued browsing and checked my email. And there it was: the subject line read “Is anyone available?” It was from Justin, Billy’s friend, and it read:
Hi Laura,
Would love to know what the availability is of doing interviews in Somerville today or tomorrow if possible. Could you provide me with a contact number for you or your relatives?
Respectfully, Justin
I did a double, triple, quadruple-take.
It was almost 4pm. It was a Tuesday.
At this very moment, I had a choice to make. At this very moment, there were a dozen realities swirling in the ethereal sea above my head, waiting to see which one I would choose.
So, I called my mom. That was the first step, right?! Mom had to be on board with them coming to her house. My heart was racing. Mom picked up, and I explained feverishly what was happening. Eli stirred in his car seat. He would be awake soon. Mom knew who Billy was, due to my teenage obsession, and she screamed a teen-idol scream. She said yes, of course they could come, but what on Earth…?! So I hung up and responded to Justin, giving them my Mom’s number.
I live in Austin, TX, and Somerville, TN is almost a 13-hour drive away. My planner brain kicked in, and I started to do the math. Meanwhile, Justin called my mom, and she graciously said she needed to “vacuum” before they came over, to which he laughed. And they said not to worry - they’d come tomorrow morning, around 9am.
My mom told me the details and I started going through scenarios. Not only did I have a three-month-old, but I also had a three-year-old, and a husband with a job. I could take Eli with me and spring for a last-minute flight. But who knows if we’d make it on time.
Then I made the craziest decision I’ve ever made.
I decided that we needed to drive there.
PART 2: The Visit
I called my husband, who was a high school teacher at the time. He was just getting out of school to go pick up our daughter from daycare. I tried to explain what was going on. Luckily, he already knew I’d submitted that form last week so I didn’t have to explain much. David listened calmly. It was around 5pm. I asked him, ultimately, “what should I do?” After a few moments of contemplation, he said he’d bring Nora home, and we would drive.
Holy. Shit.
I immediately threw diapers, clothes, and food into suitcases. I didn’t have time to pick and choose, I just had to throw things in. Eli was awake at this point, and started crying to get out of his seat, so I obliged him and, holding him, continued working. I sat down to breastfeed him right before David arrived home with Nora.
We made the necessary pet arrangements. I called my friend Becca, who was in the middle of getting her hair colored, to tell her to “stop everything, Billy Corgan is going to my mom’s house,” and would she take care of my cat? My mystified friend said, “Ok?!” Then, we dropped the dog off at our local boarding place.
We loaded up and left at 6pm – in the height of Austin traffic. We could barely make it out of the city and I worried we had missed our window of getting there on time. Eventually, we did make it out, and committed to the long drive.
At 10pm, both kids were melting down. Nora asked why we were going to NaNa’s house and said she didn’t want to go anymore. Eli just wanted to be held. We calmed them down, gave them some food (and milk), and eventually, they fell asleep. We pushed on through the night. I had to wear headphones blasting electronic dance music at full volume so I wouldn’t fall asleep and wouldn’t wake the kids. I had to take breaks to interact with the breast-pump and try to feed Eli as well. It was madness, but we made it. We arrived at 7am – 13 hours after we hit the road. Any later, and we would have missed the whole thing.
Eli was still sleeping when we entered my mom’s house. I took the world’s fastest shower and tried to do my makeup. I was more tired than I’ve ever been, but I was running on adrenaline. I didn’t even know if Billy would come. I didn’t even know if this was real. My mind cooked up a whirlwind of scenarios. What if they were just coming to make fun of us? I mean, what if they weren’t nice people, what if this was going to be an awful experience? What if my teenage idol didn’t “like” me or acknowledge me or if I didn’t ask the right questions, or look good enough?
Thankfully, I didn’t dwell on those thoughts in that moment. There were so many unknowns, my head was swimming, but the exhaustion didn’t allow me to fully feel the fear. All I thought was, “Will he show up? Will they really show up?”
Little did I know what was going to happen next.
At 9am on the dot, the RV parked across the street by the abandoned elementary school. Eli was sleeping and Nora was happily playing with my parents. David and I watched as Billy and his two friends, all impossibly tall dudes, stepped out of the RV and rounded the big wraparound porch to the front of my mother’s house. David checked in with me, “Are you ready for this?” Bleary-eyed, more tired than I’d ever been, I smiled, and my Dad opened the door for them to walk through.
I want to stop here and say this: I could have done anything in that moment. I could have exploded into tears. I could have hidden in a corner. But I stood there, faced Billy like he was a normal person, and shook his hand. We explained that we drove through the night, and he was impressed. What followed was Billy Corgan walking around my childhood home, admiring my mom’s myriad collection of antiques, looking into my childhood bedroom (what?!), sitting upstairs in our informal den and talking to us about his film project.
Holy. Shit, y’all.
He interviewed my mom and I sat on the stairs and listened. Then, he asked me to come over and interview with him, too. He asked me questions that I had ALWAYS needed to be asked by someone – let alone by my favorite rock star. I can’t divulge much here as we signed a nondisclosure agreement (whoa!) but I will say, it was a lot about my upbringing and my hopes for the future. I told Billy that he was hitting so many huge questions for me, and at the end of the interview, I cried, and he hugged me.
After the interviews, Justin suggested that we all take photos, so I have photographic evidence, y’all – and videos. Billy even stepped into the living room and played the piano with my daughter.
The visit lasted about two and a half hours. When they packed up and were all done, I went immediately to lie down on the couch and just let everything go. I knew this was something epic, but I had no idea what it “meant” or even how to process it! I messaged my old high school friend on Facebook and we met the next day for coffee in midtown Memphis. I showed him the photos and videos and it was so surreal. But even more surreal was seeing him and talking to him after fifteen years of very little contact. It’s amazing what these big moments in life will make a person do.
We stayed at my mom’s house an extra day and then we had to pack it up for the long drive home. I was more thankful for my parents in ways I have never been before.
You see, every single moment in my life had led me to this moment. If anything at all had been different, I wouldn’t have been able to make this journey and have this experience.
PART 3: Returning Home
It was close to Valentine’s Day and I had already booked a “crazy” trip to Houston for us to see a Cirque du Soleil show and stay in a hotel for the first time with kids – little did I know that we would be driving back to Texas from the craziest trip of our lives. On Friday, we landed at the Houston hotel and crashed. Staying in a hotel with two little ones and seeing the Cirque show was easy compared to what had just happened. I kept the experience quiet on social media and tried to process it throughout our little weekend together.
We finally made it home on Sunday and I can only describe the feeling as that sinking emotion you feel after you’ve planned a wedding and it’s over: you get to the highest heights and then there is nothing left.
After I became a mother, I felt like a lot of “what if” doors closed for me. What if I wanted to sleep in ‘til noon and have no one bother me? What if my husband and I want to stay out ‘til 2am at a concert? What if I wanted to just pack up and go on a trip one day? What if I wanted to devote all my free time to writing and writing and writing? I thought all of these what if’s were now impossible. But now I see that nothing is impossible, especially with children – with enough consideration, they can come along for the ride, or they can be left safely with someone else, or they can be right in the mix of everything. Adulting can be super hard, but we can’t let this life get to us. We have no idea what the next day will bring.
Since my experience, I have said “yes” to so many things in life and have received a resounding “thank you, here’s more!” from the universe. Maybe It’s all about perspective, but I have asked the universe to bring me exciting opportunities and it has delivered. That’s not to say that I don’t plan out these things, I most definitely do, but I am less afraid to do them now. I am not afraid to ask for what I want and what I need.
It’s only when you are knee-deep in uncertainty that you can make that giant leap forward. When you’re unable to think, and there are so many thoughts swirling... When everything you’ve ever done or known is staring you in the face and telling you that you need to back down – but instead, you rise up. I can only liken it to giving birth – pushing past that point of complete uncomfortableness, to appear on the other end with a tremendous sense of relief and a new life in your hands. We birth ourselves again and again in this life, moving inward and searching, being challenged outside, and finally emerging as something new.
There are so many factors that go into getting a person somewhere - physically, mentally, emotionally. Every single thing you do takes concerted effort. Pat yourself on the back for the little things and keep plugging away, because one day that “big” moment will come along and you’ve got to be ready. If any one thing had been different in my life – my job, my husband (how amazing that he helped me get there!), my kids, my parents, even the place where I grew up, my actual mother’s house, my physical wellbeing that day - ANY one thing, I would not have gotten to experience this. The experience itself was great, but the getting there was the epic part. The getting there was the adventure. And afterwards, now, is the new world created by it.
Hi friend!
I'm Catia, a woman, wife, mama, sister, sister friend, you know -- I wear a million hats just like you.
One of my biggest whys is that I want people to feel good about ALL of who they are. Including you.
The threads running through all my work (I’m an author - The Courage to Become, I’m a motivational speaker - TEDx, Choose Joy or Die , I am a private coach ) are hope, joy and empowerment.
If I could choose ten words that best describe me I would say: honest, welcoming, giving, curious, loving, earnest, empathetic, spiritual, playful, and sassy. Let's add: adventurous. That's 11.
Nice to meet you!
Want to start feeling really good but not sure where to start? Jump on into our virtual classroom (complimentary of course!) and get a weekly guide on how to walk with confidence and joy! You are divine. You are magic. I look forward to serving you!
Confidence + Joy Weekly Guide