Speak + Light the Way | Week 42 | Confidence Revolution
Zainab Salbi is an author, women's rights activist, humanitarian, social entrepreneur, and in 2002 became the founder of Women for Women International (a non-profit organization that provides support to women survivors of war.) And in 2015 she took her platform an expanded it by launching Nida’a Show, a talk show dedicated to inspire women in the Arab world. Sounds awesome, right?
Well, her story wasn’t always as bright and shiny.
In 1969 Salbi was born to Saudi Arabian to parents and when she was 11 years old her dad, Tariq, was chosen to be Saddam Hussein’s pilot. This relationship, as you can imagine, put her family in an emotionally abusive situation. But one doesn’t just leave Saddam Hussein.
After her teenage years and as Zainab became a young women, her mother began to fear for her daughter’s life (Saddam took what and who he wanted) and so her mother shipped her off to the US as part of an arranged marriage. And after three months of suffering physical and emotional abuse from her husband, with only $400 to her name, she left to start a life of her own.
But when she arrived in the US (1988) – Zainab was ashamed to tell anyone who she was. Albeit negative, she had a direct link to Saddam Hussein. For perspective, in 1988 Saddam Hussein had just begun the genocide of their countrymen who were Kurdish. He was imprisoning, torturing and murdering people – and Zainab’s dad was his pilot - which engulfed her in shame.
At some point she realized, for her own sanity, she had to tell her story and heal, and the results surprised her.
She noted how when she did, she was met with love, empathy and compassion. And that undoubtedly, each woman she told had a shame story of their own. Something that was hindering them from moving forward.
Salbi also noticed that once she and each of these women had the courage to break their silence and step out of their own shame -- that each person became like a candle – lighting the way for others – a hope giving of sorts.
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Guys, I have been writing and speaking my truth for 6 years - I have shared some doozies with you and have shared even more with those closest to me. And in 6 years of honoring my truth – I have NEVER been met with, “That’s so weird, I’ve never heard of that!” I’ve ALWAYS been met with, “Oh, really? I didn’t know you were going through that – I ALSO went through something similar,” or “My friend went through that too,” and sometimes it’s just a plain and simple, “me too.”
And after I break my silence, I feel lighter, more connected and stronger for walking through it.
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Maybe you have credit card debt and can’t afford the purse you carry, maybe you owe the bank money, maybe you are an alcoholic, maybe you experienced abuse growing up, maybe you lead a life you’re not proud of and you’re afraid that when people find out who YOU REALLY ARE – that they won’t love you.
I’m here to tell you, that if they’re worth having around, they will.
I’m here to tell you that breaking your silence and sharing your story creates connection and gives hope to those who share in your pain. (Not to mention giving you hope!)
What you do with your story is a choice – and what a wonderful choice to OWN IT – to create your own ending.
love and grace, catia
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What to do when you fall | Week 34 | Confidence Revolution
A few months ago I applied to be a TEDx speaker. This particular TEDx event was going to be held in my hometown. I didn’t think I was a shoe in, but I absolutely thought I had a good shot at it. I applied as a writer and motivational speaker. I have been writing for 6 years now, and even have a book, The Courage to Become, coming out in December, I thought, I have to have a good chance! Guys, I even know one of the organizers! How sweet it was going to be, me on a TEDx stage!
Well…one week went by, crickets. Two weeks went by, nothing. Three months went by, goose egg.
No call back, no stock rejection letter, nothing. Nothing at all!!!
I had failed. Right?
Maybe.
I’m currently listening to the book, Rising Strong, by Dr. Brene Brown. The premise of the book is, when we are in the arena of life and we are trying, the question is not if we will fall, but when. And when we do fall, when we find ourselves face down in the dirt, what is the story we tell ourselves.
Dr. Brown found that the determining factor for how quick people recovered was the type of stories they told themselves when they realized they had “failed.”
For example, let’s say, someone is applying for a promotion within their department. Let’s say they apply and a month goes by without a call back. Some people may tell themselves stories like, “they never liked me anyway,” or “I’d better start looking for another job now,” or “I’ll show them just how much they need me!” While others tell themselves stories like, “Maybe my application got lost,” or “maybe the person reviewing the applications is backlogged with work,” or “maybe they are waiting to promote me next month so they can also give me a raise!”
Brown continues to teach that the more optimistic person tells themselves positive things but also garners up the courage to confront the situation. They may bring it to their superiors’ attention or they may address it head on, “Hi, I was just wondering if you knew I applied and if there’s anything I can do help the process along,” or “Hi, I’m feeling unsure right now about my job performance since I haven’t received a call back.” All of those take GUTS to say!!!! But we can do hard things.
The key determining factor between the time we fall and the time we rise is the kind of story we tell ourselves when we are face down. The stories we create can be harmful or helpful. And the amazing part is that WE GET TO CHOOSE! We are in total control.
So -- did I tell myself that I suck and I’m never going to be on big public speaking stage? No way! Did I tell myself that I should have tried harder or that I’m not good enough? No way! When I realized I hadn’t been chosen, I told myself that maybe I needed a little more experience, that maybe they had too many women on the ticket and they needed more men. I told myself that maybe it wasn’t the right time for me to address my hometown. And then, I let it go. I let it go and I went back to work.
I didn’t fail. I fell.
When you realize you have fallen:
· Tell yourself a positive message, and repeat it yourself.
· Ask for clarity. Maybe, just maybe there was a miscommunication or misunderstanding. Tell the person how you are feeling.
· Tell yourself you can handle it, get up, rise strong, and get back to living your purpose.
love and grace, catia
Courage and Vulnerability | Week 21 | Confidence Revolution
In Daring Greatly Dr. Brene Brown notes that the word vulnerable comes from the Latin “vulnerare,” meaning to wound. Being vulnerable literally means that you are opening yourself up to be wounded. But why would we want to do that?
BECAUSE…that sense of openness is the crux of all things magnificent and deeply moving. Walking with vulnerability is the only way to get from where we are to where we most want to be.
Brown notes how we love seeing raw truth and openness in other people, but we’re afraid to let them see it in us. Fearing that our truth isn’t enough.
Yet how many times have you read a blog post or book nodding the entire time, heart welling up with a feeling of acceptance, and belonging, realizing that you are not alone. Or how relieved have you been when a friend shares her own shortcomings or seeming failures that mirror your own?
Dr. Brown goes on to say in Daring Greatly that our ultimate struggle is wanting to experience someone’s vulnerability yet not wanting to be vulnerable ourselves.
If you are afraid to open yourself up to being vulnerable, you are denying yourself the fullness of the shared human existence and ultimately the feeling of belonging. Being vulnerable and sharing your entire self, --shortcomings and failures and all -- is not a sign of weakness, it's a sign of strength.
How many times in your life have you not really given something your best because you needed an excuse just in case you failed? Well, I really didn’t try my hardest. So I really didn’t fail. We are so intensely afraid to lose, only that the winning and losing paradigm is an illusion. The question should not be, “Did you win or lose?” The question should be, “What did you try?” Winning and losing creates a sort of stagnation, while an attitude of trying creates a life of growth and movement and heightened aliveness.
Say sayonara to the idea of winning and welcome a trying mentality. Instead of fearing vulnerability, practice daring greatly. If you want to feel deep love, exuberant joy, electricity running through your veins, life saving grace and a true connection with those around you, let yourself be fully seen.
love and grace, catia
Questions to ponder:
-What makes you feel vulnerable?
-How do you feel about the idea that trying is more important than winning or losing