How to be a Better Parent | Week 51 | Confidence Revolution
Week 51!
Can you believe it? You have done such an amazing job walking this road. I am proud of you!
If you’ve never heard of Dr. Shefali Tsabary, allow me to introduce you.
If you are a parent, a child, if you want to know how to have more joy, how to be in flow more, how to relax into life more --- Dr. Shefali is for you!
I have been a longtime fan of Dr. Shefali (and so has Oprah! I have good taste. Lol – Dr. Shefali is Oprah’s foremost expert on parenting.)
At a conference in San Antonio - I had the chance to meet Dr. Shefali at a conference, and I worked up the nerve to ask her to read my book – and this is what she had to say.
I was REALLY EXCITED AND HONORED!
In my book (coming soon!) I reference Dr. Shefali's first book The Conscious Parent. A few things that Dr. Shefali highlights in this book is that as parents most of us:
1. Assume since we are older we KNOW BETTER (wrong) and
2. Don’t really see our children, rather we try to mold them
3. Project our unresolved issues onto our children and
4. That most of our unresolved issues were handed down to us by folks who also had unresolved issues. (oops)
Now these points are VERY basic. I just finished a 4 month long course with Dr. Shefali where she DELVES into these subjects – so know these are just bullet points and there are MANY MORE LAYERS.
Some basic examples of unconsciously trying to mold children are:
The mom who always loved pageants as a child and insists that her daughter also be involved in pageants. Does the daughter really like pageants or would she rather play soccer?
Or
The father who had dreams of making the NFL but never quite did – so he pushes his son into competitive football, even though the son doesn’t show any interest.
Or – a seemingly more noble cause
The parents who push and schedule their 3 year to learn a new language because they want her to be ready for the Ivy League once application time rolls around.
None of these examples are “bad” on their face. The children will most certainly learn good skills from pageantry, football and academics – but is it what they want or are the parents just working out unresolved issues of insecurity, lack, boredom, etc.?
The first time I was introduced to the notion of unconscious molding it was hard to hear.
I most certainly want my daughter to have a good, joy filled life – but maybe her version of good and joy filled life is being a yoga teacher and rescuing dogs – maybe it’s not attending Yale and being an international speaker (my dream.)
The Conscious Parent encouraged me to not only facilitate my daughter’s life (she’s only 2.5), but to SEE her, and to tune into Alexandra’s voice -- literally and figuratively. Seeing Alexandra as a person rather than just a mini-me allowed me to release expectations and simply enjoy her. <3 <3
love and grace, catia
Love Warrior | Week 45 | Confidence Revolution
I have been a fan of Glennon’s for a few years now. First I read Carry On, Warrior. Then I read her blogs, then I joined her community, then I went to go see her speak and then … I read Love Warrior.
I am all in when it comes to Glennon.
She is not perfect, she is real. She is not polished, she is raw. She inspires me to love and to keep showing up, to share my gifts and to stretch my heart to care for everyone (no matter how far away their troubles may seem from mine.)
Her latest book, Love Warrior is bold. It’s the story of how she and her husband hit ROCK bottom and how they healed themselves. The book is layered and complex and talks of porn, sex and infidelity. But it also talks about how she and her husband did the work to heal themselves individually and how only then were they able to heal their marriage.
Here’s one take-away from the book:
One day after Glennon found out about Craig’s infidelity, she was at church and a fellow parishioner (also a woman) approached her, wagged a finger in her face and said, “God gave you to Craig as his helper. Your duty is to help him through this time.”
Was helper really God’s name for women?
Glennon got mad and then she got curious.
It turns out, the original Hebrew word for woman is EZER. The word EZER has two roots, strong and benevolent. In her research she also found that the best translation for the word EZER is WARRIOR.
God created woman as a WARRIOR.
As young girls and women, we are fed a lot of stories. Some stories are of how prince charming will come as rescue us if we are worthy enough. Other stories are of how we should aim to be just like men. And yet other stories are about how we are a subset of humanity.
Well, I think all those stories are WRONG.
I think that women are glorious creatures. I think we have gifts bestowed upon us that are unique to us – just as men have gifts bestowed upon them that are unique to them. To be a woman is to be WHO you want to be, without the influence of stories.
Alexandra is 2 now and picking up more and more every day. She sings and counts and says Amen and has now taken to calling me, Mami. :) Because I know she is a sponge I often say, “Raise your hand if you’re smart!” We all raise our hands. “Raise your hand if you’re awesome!” We all raise our hands. “Raise your hands if you’re fun!” We all raise our hands.
And just a few weeks ago, I started weaving in “strong,” and she has started flexing her biceps.
I want her to KNOW she is worthy and kind and strong. I want her sense of worth to be a foregone conclusion.
The other day Alexandra was calling my name, she wanted me to make her breakfast. But her Papa was in the kitchen, so I took my time getting out of bed. And I heard my husband say, “Your Mama is one of the most capable people I know – she’ll come when she’s ready.” And a tear rolled down my cheek.
I am capable. I am powerful. I am a WARRIOR – KIND AND BENEVOLENT – AND SO ARE YOU.
love and grace, catia
Speak + Light the Way | Week 42 | Confidence Revolution
Zainab Salbi is an author, women's rights activist, humanitarian, social entrepreneur, and in 2002 became the founder of Women for Women International (a non-profit organization that provides support to women survivors of war.) And in 2015 she took her platform an expanded it by launching Nida’a Show, a talk show dedicated to inspire women in the Arab world. Sounds awesome, right?
Well, her story wasn’t always as bright and shiny.
In 1969 Salbi was born to Saudi Arabian to parents and when she was 11 years old her dad, Tariq, was chosen to be Saddam Hussein’s pilot. This relationship, as you can imagine, put her family in an emotionally abusive situation. But one doesn’t just leave Saddam Hussein.
After her teenage years and as Zainab became a young women, her mother began to fear for her daughter’s life (Saddam took what and who he wanted) and so her mother shipped her off to the US as part of an arranged marriage. And after three months of suffering physical and emotional abuse from her husband, with only $400 to her name, she left to start a life of her own.
But when she arrived in the US (1988) – Zainab was ashamed to tell anyone who she was. Albeit negative, she had a direct link to Saddam Hussein. For perspective, in 1988 Saddam Hussein had just begun the genocide of their countrymen who were Kurdish. He was imprisoning, torturing and murdering people – and Zainab’s dad was his pilot - which engulfed her in shame.
At some point she realized, for her own sanity, she had to tell her story and heal, and the results surprised her.
She noted how when she did, she was met with love, empathy and compassion. And that undoubtedly, each woman she told had a shame story of their own. Something that was hindering them from moving forward.
Salbi also noticed that once she and each of these women had the courage to break their silence and step out of their own shame -- that each person became like a candle – lighting the way for others – a hope giving of sorts.
--
Guys, I have been writing and speaking my truth for 6 years - I have shared some doozies with you and have shared even more with those closest to me. And in 6 years of honoring my truth – I have NEVER been met with, “That’s so weird, I’ve never heard of that!” I’ve ALWAYS been met with, “Oh, really? I didn’t know you were going through that – I ALSO went through something similar,” or “My friend went through that too,” and sometimes it’s just a plain and simple, “me too.”
And after I break my silence, I feel lighter, more connected and stronger for walking through it.
--
Maybe you have credit card debt and can’t afford the purse you carry, maybe you owe the bank money, maybe you are an alcoholic, maybe you experienced abuse growing up, maybe you lead a life you’re not proud of and you’re afraid that when people find out who YOU REALLY ARE – that they won’t love you.
I’m here to tell you, that if they’re worth having around, they will.
I’m here to tell you that breaking your silence and sharing your story creates connection and gives hope to those who share in your pain. (Not to mention giving you hope!)
What you do with your story is a choice – and what a wonderful choice to OWN IT – to create your own ending.
love and grace, catia
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The Courage to Become | Week 36 | Confidence Revolution
Encouraging people and giving them the tools to be who they most want to be, has been my passion since before I had the language for it.
Yesterday I received an email from a high school classmate,
“…I had my child when I was a freshman in high school. I didn’t know much English but despite my struggles, you made a difference in my life back then, always being so nice to me and just showing me that there’s always somebody that just with a helping hand and a smile can change somebody’s world. That person was you!! Just want to say, thank you.”
I cried when I read it and I’m crying now. (Maybe it’s the hormones.)
So many people have given so much to me, have guided me, and have loved me into who I am today and who I continue to become. It is my HONOR to pay it forward, to give you the love and the tools kind folks have given me.
When I have been afraid and in a tough spot, or confused, it has always helped me to look out and find someone who had been THROUGH and who had come out the other side. It always helped me to see someone living out what I wanted to live out. It helped me get my footing, and work up courage until I could stand on my own two feet.
I’m thinking that seeing and hearing from folks who have garnered, the courage to become people they were proud of, will help you too.
Starting next week I am honored to host a guest blog series titled, The Courage to Become: Sister Stories of Hope. Each week we will highlight one amazing women who walked through the fear and uncertainty and became someone she was proud of.
These women have become: artists, dancers, writers, moms, teachers, entrepreneurs, wives, bloggers, photographers, reporters, and business women.
I am sure that their vulnerability, determination and grit will inspire us all!
If you’d like to get their inspirational stories straight to you inbox – join here.
love and grace, catia
With them and For them | Week 28 | Confidence Revolution
A few weeks ago I watched, The Intern. It’s a cute movie where Robert De Niro plays Anne Hathaway’s intern. Anne Hathaway (Jules is her character’s name) creates a successful online clothing shop and through a turn of events Robert De Niro lands the job as her intern. Wouldn’t that be nice?!
Over the course of the movie they develop a mentor/mentee relationship where Mr. De Niro supports and coaches Anne. One day Anne is in a tough spot as she has a work meeting but also wants to take her daughter to a friend’s birthday party. Wishing she could clone herself (sign me up!) but knowing she can’t, Anne asks Mr. De Niro to take her 5 year old daughter to her schoolmate’s birthday party.
At the party a group of moms snicker and sneer as they figure out Anne is working (again) and sent her intern to cover. Mr. De Niro sits next to the snickering moms and says, “You must be so proud of Jules, one of your own, getting out there, stretching, doing her thing!” With so much pride and enthusiasm he says, “You must be so proud of her!” As only Mr. De Niro can do because he was really telling them to shove it and putting them in their place.
Does anybody out there want Mr. De Niro on their side? I do!
Have you ever heard someone say, “She’s great, but if she could make it to our weekly bible study, she would be better,” or “He’s awesome, but he doesn’t cook, and he’s always at work meetings,” or “ I just love her, but she never picks up her kids from school, the nanny does.”
Sometimes folks have this way of complementing someone and then slicing them with a shank on their way out of the conversation. Folks feel the need to qualify their praise. “I like her, BUT.” “She’s nice, BUT.” “He’s great, BUT did you hear about what happened to him 7 years ago?” It’s like they’re afraid to throw all their supportive eggs in one basket.
What would happen if we supported one another ALL the way? How would that change the fabric of our conversations, our lives?
Have you ever been so supported by someone without strings attached? It is a MAGNIFICENTLY HOLY.
It takes a special kind of person to support family and friends without agenda, and guess what? Good news!!! YOU ARE THAT PERSON. YOU have the ability to support without any BUTS attached.
You are equipped to be Robert De Niro! :)
Tips for helping you to support and love without strings attached:
*Know that everyone is allowed to be both a masterpiece and a work in progress at the same time.
*Know that it’s a hard world out there and people are trying their best.
*Know that your open heart and holy love will change the world.
*Know that when people know you are with them and for them, well, there is no greater gift to give.
love and grace, catia
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Body After Baby | Week 23 | Confidence Revolution
During my pregnancy and post-partum, I was under the tutelage of all things Hollywood media. I felt compelled to be exceptional. I wanted to bounce back and have it all figured out, right away. I wanted my days to flow seamlessly – to be able to breastfeed, have great sex with my husband, and cook a great meal. And I felt crushing pressure, every bit self-imposed, to have a beach-ready body.
I didn’t care that I had just had a baby, or that my body was recovering not only from making a baby and carrying a baby, but also from birthing a baby. I wanted to look just like famous women do in fashion magazines.
It was my goal to not only look good in my old clothes, but to feel good too. I had set and accomplished goals before, and this was no different – except that, just between us, it was ENTIRELY different. What was I thinking?!
Eventually, I realized (that’s code for: I learned the hard way) I was an entirely new person with new circumstances and new responsibilities, so I took drastic action and unsubscribed to magazines and stopped watching junk television. I walked away from the media that was making me crazy and I flushed Hollywood’s definition of attractive down the toilet. It served NO purpose in my life, and rather quickly, I was the better for it.
Just between us, it took time to get my sexy back, and when it came back, it wasn’t in the same way: it was BETTER because it was authentic. I walked taller and held my head higher, knowing I was a force. Over the course of her first year, ease settled into my bones. I emerged after the first year of motherhood stronger, more grounded and confident in myself – and how I looked no longer mattered.
Years of trial and error culminated and I finally realized that authentic confidence and beauty are not end results, they are byproducts of a soul that is peaceful, grateful, and kind.
If a genie were to offer me a Hollywood starlet’s pre-baby body today, just between us, I’d laugh and walk away. There is no chance on God’s green earth I would trade even a smidgen of who I am now for anyone else’s esthetics. My entire being is better for the richness I’ve experienced, even my post-baby figure.
Pastor Rob Bell , God bless him, teaches on the notion of good vs. perfect. He teaches that the Hebrew language brings us the word, tov, which means good. Only that Tov is a layered version of the word we have come to understand as good. Folded into the definition of tov is a dynamic quality. Tov takes movement into consideration. Tov is of the earth, tov is seasons, tov is evolving, tov embraces light and dark. Tov welcomes grit and flaws, tov celebrates authenticity. Tov knows that life seasons run their course, it knows that we are in a constant state of creation and forward movement. Tov flows. Tov takes active participation.
After introducing us to tov, Bell enlightens us by shedding light on the ideal of perfection brought to us by the Greeks. The definition of τέλειος , better known to us as perfect has a layered definition made up of: being the ultimate, fully realized, without shortcomings, entire. Perfect brings with it a sense of static. Perfect is that which cannot be improved upon, perfect is complete.
In an interview Cameron Diaz did about her book, The Body Book , she noted how the anti-aging movement has convinced us that no matter how many candles are on our birthday cake, we should aim to look 25 in perpetuity. That women everywhere are repeatedly apologizing for not being able to defy nature. We walk around whispering nonsense to ourselves and each other like, “My skin is not taut, or I’m not able to fit into those skinny jeans anymore, or she looks perfect, why can’t I?”
At twenty-five I was peppy, fit, not a wrinkle on me, but I was also a shell of the person I am today. In the years eight years since turning twenty-five I have experienced disappointment, triumph, profound joy, marriage, child birth, more runs to the grocery store, more traffic tickets, more traveling, and more stumbles. I have experienced more excitement and more heart ache, and all these experiences have been tov. They have shaped me and pushed me to become more compassionate, more humble and more curious.
If we removed our lenses of perfection and instead used our tov lenses, how might that change our outlook? How much would our days be different if we recognized that we are part of something good, gritty, holy, and evolving? How much would our hearts sing if we settled into the notion that perfect is a great for describing delectable food and awing art, but it is almost too small, too narrow of a word to describe our hearts and spirits and bodies? Perfect wishes it could hold all of what we have to offer, but it just can’t. So instead, let’s honor the expansiveness of our journeys and let’s welcome the notion that we are, that it is all, good.
How my journey with insecurity led to the Confidence Revolution
Thank you to RGV Moms Blog for having me as a featured speaker! It was more exciting and fulfilling that I could have ever thought. It was a group of women (and some men :) ) gathered together and we let each other know, womanhood is can be tough and it's okay. We are all stumbling along, but we get to do it together.
I spoke with this fine group about insecurity and jealousy and gifts and confidence. It was awesome. Enjoy!
Controlling your Negative Inner Chatterbox | Week 15 | Confidence Revolution
I was with my Austin Mom's Blog sister/writers last night. We were taking head shots with the amazing Laura Morsman and we were all wound up. "Do I look good?" "How about this angle?" "That's not my good side." The pressure was mounting! We were putting so much importance on the way the photos turned out. Like we were going to be judged ONLY on how we looked, like ALL the other things we do in life -- love, care, work, mother, volunteer -- didn't matter. We HAD to look spectacular or else everything was for not.
But then after the pictures were over, we enjoyed food and champagne and everyone let their guard down. And that's when things got really good. When we relaxed! Why couldn't we be relaxed the entire time?
The other day I read a post and it said that Gloria Steinem gave Melissa McCarthy a bracelet that said, "Linked, not ranked." And I thought, "that is the answer!!" Someone needs to get all women together and teach them in Woman 101 that there are not gold medals given out for being the prettiest, or smartest, or most sacrificing, or most frugal, OR... the least imposing or least disruptive or least opinionated.
We are unable to be ranked. Linked, not ranked.
Today's video is about how my negative chatter box felt outranked - on LIVE TV! And I detail how you can address your negative chatter box.
We are human, we have souls AND egos. Our soul is our higher self, an inner knowing, our essence. And our ego is part of the psyche that experiences the outside world and reacts to it. It thinks, feels, and it wants to distinguish itself from others. Part of the ego's job is to want more. That's it's job! So it's not about eliminating the ego, but about balancing it's power our lives.
With all my heart, you are worthy.
Culture tells you that you need more, different, bigger. Culture is lying, culture has ulterior motives.
You are beautiful and gifted.
No one is you, and that is your power.
