How to be a Better Parent | Week 51 | Confidence Revolution
Week 51!
Can you believe it? You have done such an amazing job walking this road. I am proud of you!
If you’ve never heard of Dr. Shefali Tsabary, allow me to introduce you.
If you are a parent, a child, if you want to know how to have more joy, how to be in flow more, how to relax into life more --- Dr. Shefali is for you!
I have been a longtime fan of Dr. Shefali (and so has Oprah! I have good taste. Lol – Dr. Shefali is Oprah’s foremost expert on parenting.)
At a conference in San Antonio - I had the chance to meet Dr. Shefali at a conference, and I worked up the nerve to ask her to read my book – and this is what she had to say.
I was REALLY EXCITED AND HONORED!
In my book (coming soon!) I reference Dr. Shefali's first book The Conscious Parent. A few things that Dr. Shefali highlights in this book is that as parents most of us:
1. Assume since we are older we KNOW BETTER (wrong) and
2. Don’t really see our children, rather we try to mold them
3. Project our unresolved issues onto our children and
4. That most of our unresolved issues were handed down to us by folks who also had unresolved issues. (oops)
Now these points are VERY basic. I just finished a 4 month long course with Dr. Shefali where she DELVES into these subjects – so know these are just bullet points and there are MANY MORE LAYERS.
Some basic examples of unconsciously trying to mold children are:
The mom who always loved pageants as a child and insists that her daughter also be involved in pageants. Does the daughter really like pageants or would she rather play soccer?
Or
The father who had dreams of making the NFL but never quite did – so he pushes his son into competitive football, even though the son doesn’t show any interest.
Or – a seemingly more noble cause
The parents who push and schedule their 3 year to learn a new language because they want her to be ready for the Ivy League once application time rolls around.
None of these examples are “bad” on their face. The children will most certainly learn good skills from pageantry, football and academics – but is it what they want or are the parents just working out unresolved issues of insecurity, lack, boredom, etc.?
The first time I was introduced to the notion of unconscious molding it was hard to hear.
I most certainly want my daughter to have a good, joy filled life – but maybe her version of good and joy filled life is being a yoga teacher and rescuing dogs – maybe it’s not attending Yale and being an international speaker (my dream.)
The Conscious Parent encouraged me to not only facilitate my daughter’s life (she’s only 2.5), but to SEE her, and to tune into Alexandra’s voice -- literally and figuratively. Seeing Alexandra as a person rather than just a mini-me allowed me to release expectations and simply enjoy her. <3 <3
love and grace, catia
Love Warrior | Week 45 | Confidence Revolution
I have been a fan of Glennon’s for a few years now. First I read Carry On, Warrior. Then I read her blogs, then I joined her community, then I went to go see her speak and then … I read Love Warrior.
I am all in when it comes to Glennon.
She is not perfect, she is real. She is not polished, she is raw. She inspires me to love and to keep showing up, to share my gifts and to stretch my heart to care for everyone (no matter how far away their troubles may seem from mine.)
Her latest book, Love Warrior is bold. It’s the story of how she and her husband hit ROCK bottom and how they healed themselves. The book is layered and complex and talks of porn, sex and infidelity. But it also talks about how she and her husband did the work to heal themselves individually and how only then were they able to heal their marriage.
Here’s one take-away from the book:
One day after Glennon found out about Craig’s infidelity, she was at church and a fellow parishioner (also a woman) approached her, wagged a finger in her face and said, “God gave you to Craig as his helper. Your duty is to help him through this time.”
Was helper really God’s name for women?
Glennon got mad and then she got curious.
It turns out, the original Hebrew word for woman is EZER. The word EZER has two roots, strong and benevolent. In her research she also found that the best translation for the word EZER is WARRIOR.
God created woman as a WARRIOR.
As young girls and women, we are fed a lot of stories. Some stories are of how prince charming will come as rescue us if we are worthy enough. Other stories are of how we should aim to be just like men. And yet other stories are about how we are a subset of humanity.
Well, I think all those stories are WRONG.
I think that women are glorious creatures. I think we have gifts bestowed upon us that are unique to us – just as men have gifts bestowed upon them that are unique to them. To be a woman is to be WHO you want to be, without the influence of stories.
Alexandra is 2 now and picking up more and more every day. She sings and counts and says Amen and has now taken to calling me, Mami. :) Because I know she is a sponge I often say, “Raise your hand if you’re smart!” We all raise our hands. “Raise your hand if you’re awesome!” We all raise our hands. “Raise your hands if you’re fun!” We all raise our hands.
And just a few weeks ago, I started weaving in “strong,” and she has started flexing her biceps.
I want her to KNOW she is worthy and kind and strong. I want her sense of worth to be a foregone conclusion.
The other day Alexandra was calling my name, she wanted me to make her breakfast. But her Papa was in the kitchen, so I took my time getting out of bed. And I heard my husband say, “Your Mama is one of the most capable people I know – she’ll come when she’s ready.” And a tear rolled down my cheek.
I am capable. I am powerful. I am a WARRIOR – KIND AND BENEVOLENT – AND SO ARE YOU.
love and grace, catia
Independence is Overrated | Week 41 | Confidence Revolution
In August 2014, my Mom told me she wanted to come stay with us/help us after Alexandra was born. I puffed out my chest, told her I didn't want to "farm out" the caring of my daughter. (The audacity!) Then, after a grueling labor and a plummeting of hormones and energy -- I was DESPERATE for help. No help sounded agonizing.
For many of us, asking for help is equivalent to admitting defeat. We would rather keep struggling in silence, sinking deeper in quicksand with every passing day, than admit we can’t do something entirely on our own.
The traditional African proverb—it takes a village to raise a child—is as equally true today as it was thousands of years ago, but somehow we have lost touch with its essence. With the advent of social media and with the threat that folks can peek into our lives on a whim, we have turned into a society of thinly veiled facades: “All good over here! Don’t need a thing! Look at our portrait perfect family!” But really, we are no different from the generations that have preceded us; we are equally entangled with joy and heartache.
Many people share with me that they find purpose, joy, and meaning in helping others, but they battle accepting help themselves. Refusal of help is nothing more than pride taking a long stroll. If we enthusiastically offer help to others and show up for them, and yet we don’t accept the occasional helping hand, are we strong, or are we narcissists?
When life is bearing down on us and our instincts are to tidy up the house or go drink ourselves into oblivion—when our instinct is to numb—let’s do the thing we think we cannot do. Let’s call someone we trust and talk to them about it, cry about it, name the issue, and start to look at it. Admitting that we have hit our limit and seeking help from outside ourselves is a profound action that will rocket-launch us deeper into levels of connection with those around us.
In The Mother’s Guide to Self-Renewal, author and internationally recognized life coach and speaker, Renee Peterson Trudeau, spurs women to create their own personal support system. She brings to light how having a support system can have a huge impact on how we experience day-to-day life. Folks with robust support systems are more effective at work and at home, keep resolutions, weather personal and professional challenges more easily, are less likely to feel isolated, and (here’s the kicker) have children who become comfortable asking for and receiving help and support from others.
In the moments when we would rather be cemented in our independence than ask for help, let’s consider personifying our pride and letting it know that Bob Marley was right—every little thing is gonna to be alright. Let’s consider not sucking it up and pushing through, but allowing love in. Just as we want to impart our love, empathy, and compassion on others, they also want the opportunity to impart those gifts on us.
Needing help is not a sign of weakness; it’s a sign of humanity. When we are open to help, we are both courageous enough to recognize our own breaking point and wise enough to welcome others to help carry us through.
“Accepting help is its own kind of strength.” –Kiera Cass
I used to find pride in being INDEPENDENT at whatever cost. Now I push my pride out of the way and I find joy and ease and strength in asking for help and like my Pastor says, having WITHNESSES for the journey.
love and grace, catia
With them and For them | Week 28 | Confidence Revolution
A few weeks ago I watched, The Intern. It’s a cute movie where Robert De Niro plays Anne Hathaway’s intern. Anne Hathaway (Jules is her character’s name) creates a successful online clothing shop and through a turn of events Robert De Niro lands the job as her intern. Wouldn’t that be nice?!
Over the course of the movie they develop a mentor/mentee relationship where Mr. De Niro supports and coaches Anne. One day Anne is in a tough spot as she has a work meeting but also wants to take her daughter to a friend’s birthday party. Wishing she could clone herself (sign me up!) but knowing she can’t, Anne asks Mr. De Niro to take her 5 year old daughter to her schoolmate’s birthday party.
At the party a group of moms snicker and sneer as they figure out Anne is working (again) and sent her intern to cover. Mr. De Niro sits next to the snickering moms and says, “You must be so proud of Jules, one of your own, getting out there, stretching, doing her thing!” With so much pride and enthusiasm he says, “You must be so proud of her!” As only Mr. De Niro can do because he was really telling them to shove it and putting them in their place.
Does anybody out there want Mr. De Niro on their side? I do!
Have you ever heard someone say, “She’s great, but if she could make it to our weekly bible study, she would be better,” or “He’s awesome, but he doesn’t cook, and he’s always at work meetings,” or “ I just love her, but she never picks up her kids from school, the nanny does.”
Sometimes folks have this way of complementing someone and then slicing them with a shank on their way out of the conversation. Folks feel the need to qualify their praise. “I like her, BUT.” “She’s nice, BUT.” “He’s great, BUT did you hear about what happened to him 7 years ago?” It’s like they’re afraid to throw all their supportive eggs in one basket.
What would happen if we supported one another ALL the way? How would that change the fabric of our conversations, our lives?
Have you ever been so supported by someone without strings attached? It is a MAGNIFICENTLY HOLY.
It takes a special kind of person to support family and friends without agenda, and guess what? Good news!!! YOU ARE THAT PERSON. YOU have the ability to support without any BUTS attached.
You are equipped to be Robert De Niro! :)
Tips for helping you to support and love without strings attached:
*Know that everyone is allowed to be both a masterpiece and a work in progress at the same time.
*Know that it’s a hard world out there and people are trying their best.
*Know that your open heart and holy love will change the world.
*Know that when people know you are with them and for them, well, there is no greater gift to give.
love and grace, catia
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The Secret To Dealing With Doubt | Week 25 | Confidence Revolution
Interactive Confidence Revolution! Bring on the questions, I love 'em and you!
Catia,
Doubt is a very real thing. Was there any point in which the self-help books, advice and motivational messages just weren’t enough? Like, did you ever not see the end in sight? –L
L,
First off, I know of two types of doubt. There is the doubt that creates a pain in my stomach, a tightening of my chest, an uneasiness in my heart. It’s my intuition whispering to me, then talking to me, then yelling to me. DO NOT MAKE THAT DECISION. In those cases, I ALWAYS, listen to that voice. That voice is smarter than any rationale I could conjure up. Full stop.
The second kind of doubt I have experienced is fear of the unknown. Fear that I won’t be able to handle what comes my way. Fear that my life won’t unfold exactly as I have planned.
Sometimes we walk around with a ringing in our ears or a buzzing in our head, or a heaviness in our hearts telling us to make a move, but fear and doubt take over and we suppress what’s welling up inside. The only thing is, “You will never be able to escape your heart. So it’s better to listen to what it has to say.” –Paulo Coehlo
Taking a leap requires gumption, and unfortunately there’s no real safety net. It requires us to let go of what has given us comfort or power or security—in order to open up a space for new things to unfold.
I’ll tell you a little story about learning to take a leap, even when doubt (the fearful kind) is in one’s mind.
On a bright spring day my girlfriend and I headed over to a local trapeze complex. $40 was sure to get us a good time and at the very least some good photo opps. During the instructional portion, the instructors taught us how to hook our knees around the wooden bar, how to chalk our hands and grab the bar, how to swing and eventually how to in mid swing, while we were upside down, to LET GO of the bar and reach for our catcher. “NO HESITATION. When we say ‘hands off,’ LET GO.”
I climbed up the ladder thirty feet, stayed firmly in position on the platform and eventually grabbed the bar and aired out my wet armpits. I jumped off the platform and screamed as I felt the wall on the opposite side of the building coming toward my face. I swung in the air like a pendulum and fell onto the safety net. Womp womp! I was too scared to event think about letting go!
But then, two months later I returned and I climbed the ladder again, knowing this time I was capable of reaching for the catcher.
I climbed up the ladder thirty feet, felt a little less nervous while my toes curled over the tiny wooden platform and assumed the position. Trust, I told myself. I thrust my hips forward, bent my knees, and jumped of the platform. TRUST. As I was flying through the air I heard, “hands off!” I let go, reached out with conviction, and felt two strong arms grab mine.
L, Knowledge, data, self-help books, advice … those things are wonderful and I think we should all load up on them. But then after we’ve done our best, and we’ve done all we can do, we have to let go and TRUST, that we are going to be okay. The secret to dealing with doubt is two fold. 1) We must have confidence in our own abilities and 2) We must have confidence that we are in the palm of God's hands and when we "let go," his strong arms will grab ours.
love and grace, catia
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Jealousy | Week 20 | Confidence Revolution
I am Mexican and Mexicans are jealous and fiery, which is hysterical and entertaining, until it's not.
Growing up I saw jealousy glamorized. Hollywood (poor Hollywood) told me that "real" men and women fight for their significant other. Hollywood told me it was normal to be dramatic. Hollywood told me that there are winners and losers.
But it wasn't until I was older that I realized that Hollywood was in the business of selling,not in the business of healthy relationships. "Oh."
THEN, I started the work of undoing decades of unhealthy habit building. (I may be working for quite a while!)
Whenever I feel jealous, blood rushes to my head and I try to figure out a way to control things and then when I realize I can't control things I get crazier. Everyone hold on! I hold my breath and almost internally combust. But then after I've had some time to come down I realize, ... I'm not angry, I'm scared.
I never feel jealous when I feel good about myself - I only feel jealous when I feel like I don't measure up. I only feel jealous when I'm afraid something or someone I love will like/love something or someone else more. And that's a terrible way to feel.
Sometimes we feel jealous in our romantic relationships, or in places of work, or in our friendship circles. Sometimes we feel jealous of the "new person." And sometimes we are jealous of people who don't even know we exist. (awkward) If we let it, jealousy can creep into all sorts of areas. So, let's guard against it.
Let's boldly trust that:
1) We are lovable and valuable.
2) We have a lot to offer.
3) We are not replaceable.
Let's know that when we operate from a place of fear, the universe constricts and so do our throats and hearts. When we're fearful it's even hard to get in a full breath.
But when we operate from a place of love and security the world around us transforms into one of abundance, and who is scared when things are abundant? Not me!
There's plenty out there for you and plenty out there for me.
love and grace, catia
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Who do you think you are? | Week 19 | Confidence Revolution
I can instantly recall the feeling of being bullied. My insides want to curl up like a rollie pollie. "Please, leave me alone."
I grew up in an upper middle class home in a lower middle class community and the fact that my mom dropped me off in a Ford Taurus station wagon and always had me dressed neatly was enough to send my school mates over the edge. On top of the FLASHY hatchback, I enjoyed school (God forbid) and enjoyed forming relationships with teachers and never felt like I fit in with my peers. Chicken or the egg? I'm not quite sure. My classmates were into video games and pogs and I was into getting an extra 5 points on my spelling test.
Girls would snicker and from time to time confront me face to face. "Who do you think you are?" "You think you're better than us?" "You think you're so good?" "You think you're going to make it?" "Why do you try so hard?" And then the dreaded "telling off" in Spanish. THE WORST. They talked so fast and cursed so well, I couldn't even keep up. Rollie pollie powers, ACTIVATE NOW.
That question of "who do you think you are?" has haunted me ever since. And people from my youth still rattle it off from time to time and most times I brush it off, but sometimes it gets under my skin.
Have you ever felt the need to defend who you are, your passions? Have you ever felt the need to explain why you are making certain choices or lobby folks to get them to support you? Me too. And I think it's about time we stop.
You have permission, FOREVER, (and in my opinion what is in the realm of kind and loving), to do what brings you joy.
BUT...
Sometimes it's not others we are trying to convince, sometimes, we are trying to convince ourselves. Our own negative chatter box floats to the top of our consciousness and we let it overrun our control center and all we hear is, "there are so many other people who already do it better, what's the point?" Or "You're 40! You have a career, why start something new?" Or "You're 25, no one is going to take you seriously. What do you have to say that others haven't already said?" "Why are you trying so hard anyway?"
When that is happening, and you feel your insides over heating, take a step back and check in with your soul. Ask it, "Is this what you WANT to do, will this bring you joy?" If the answer is, YES, then -- keep the bus moving. Ego will try to hold us back (strangely) because it's afraid of not being THE BEST, or, THE FIRST. But soul says, "I want to play too!"
When the question arises, "Who do you think you are?" No need to get overheated or curl in on yourself like a rollie pollie. Just say, "I am God's child and I'm trying something new. I really enjoy this and I'm seeing where it takes me.
love and grace, catia
If someone sweetly sent you this email and you'd like to become your most confident self, be more joyful, have better relationships and live a life you enjoy - JOIN the
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Learn to speak LOVE | Week 13 | Confidence Revolution
Have you found that love comes in all shapes and sizes? There’s BIG love, spontaneous love, platonic love, fizzle out love (you know the kind), forever love, unconditional love (my favorite!) and intentional love (okay – really my favorite!) just to name a few.
And have you also found that no matter the label placed on it – you KNOW when you feel loved? It’s an undeniable sensation, you know you are welcome to be your authentic no-is-home-and-you-can-do whatever-you-want self. :)
If you're in a long term relationship with someone (a spouse, a friend, a girlfriend/boyfriend, children, family members), you have a wonderfully unique opportunity in front of you. You have the chance to GROW in love as well as GROW the love between you and the other person.
Relationships are not easy, even challenging at times, but they don’t have to be a slog. They are supposed to make us feel good! They can bring us joy, laughter and a sense of security. Relationships can even be the unwavering foundation we stand on when we look into the big bright world. But before they can be all that, they have to be tended to.
In this week’s Week 13 Confidence Revolution lesson I am introducing two books.
1) The Zimzum of Love and
2) The 5 Love Languages
Marriage is different for everyone, but for me, it is my center and so I don’t just wish it well, I invest in it. I enjoy tending to it, and these books have helped fortify my marriage.
If there’s a relationship that you’d like to strengthen, that you’d like to see flourish, that you’d like to get more out of, watch this video for some guidance.
The great news is that tailored love can be satisfying, fulfilling and uplifting. When you love someone well, you give a gift from the heavens.
You deserve to love and be loved fiercely.
love and grace, catia
Hey guys - if you're looking to feel better, feel happy and feel confident - I have something for you.
I 100% wrote this in service of you. I want you to find joy in everyday life!
Love!
How to Accomplish Goals | Week 8 | Confidence Revolution
A few years ago I ran a marathon with my brother, Carlos -- a full one! 26.2, guys. It was crazy.
The thing is, I am the least athletic person YOU will EVER meet. I have trouble catching a highlighter yellow softball. So when I signed up for the marathon I knew I had my work cut out for me.
Instead of getting overwhelmed with the thought of running TWENTY SIX POINT TWO miles in a row, I broke it down into tiny increments. Tiny. For example, I would tell myself, "You only have to run to the next mail box," or "You only have to make it to the next stop sign." And somehow I always managed --because if my goals were running 100 or 200 yards at a time, it was no problem. But if my goal was running for 4.5 hours straight - I would just cry.
And since then, that's how I have approached life. Teeny tiny increments. And at every point, I congratulate myself and set the next goal. This strategy has helped me eat better, nurse my baby for a year, run a marathon, write a book, and even re-organize the kitchen!
Set a goal, break it down and let your goals craft your decision making. Sometimes we can take two steps forward and one step back, and that's okay. But sometimes we have it in us to take 2 steps forward and then 1 more step forward and then 1 more step forward.
Don't be afraid to give up the good, to go for the great. -Steve Prefontaine
Take some deep breaths and make this week count. :)
Guys - if you want to feel better, feel happy and feel confident - this gift is for you.
I made this 100% to be of service to you.
Love!
What would Kate Middleton do? | Week 7 | Confidence Revolution
What would Kate Middleton do?
Nice to see you today!
Do you wish other people would treat you better? Are you tired of that old friend or family member disrespecting you?
Today's mini lesson is one tactic that helps build standards for the way YOU treat yourself and for the ways OTHERS treat you. I didn't quite know how to do that - so today I share with you how I pulled myself out of a streak of junky relationships.
We experience the universe at the level that we are at. If we rise in thought AND in action, the universe rises to meet us. Let's make the decision to rise!
We all learn a few different ways. I am a visual and social learner - as evidenced by today's video. If you're not sure how you learn best, click here and do some exploring. This may help when you're taking on new challenges!
And don't forget we're building a library of video goodies. You can go back to them whenever you need a little life boost! Video library here. If you're on You Tube be sure to subscribe!
You are blooming into the fullness of your best self.
Do you wish other people would treat you better? Are you tired of that old friend or family member disrespecting you? Today's mini lesson is one strategy on how to build boundaries and expectations for the way YOU treat yourself and for the ways OTHERS treat you.
Would you like a ham or turkey sandwich? | Week 5 | Confidence Revolution
Is your week going alright? I hope so! I had Mexican food last night so I'm a happy camper.
Today I am sharing with you what two things you can focus on that will help you make decisions you feel good about and that you are proud of. I describe how you can build a life you LIKE and even LOVE.
When a decision is on the table, listen to your inner voice, you are wise beyond your years. Your mind and body KNOW what to do, you just have to have to get still enough to listen and have enough courage to follow through.
This is kind of turning into an online classroom, who knew? Podcast coming soon in April! Let me know what you like and love and things you're looking forward to!
And let's all say a prayer for Mr. Peyton Manning! :)
Today I am sharing with you what two things you can focus on that will help you make decisions you feel good about and that you are proud of.
Don't feed your subconcious Hot Cheetos | Week 4 | Confidence Revolution
Friends!
So far we've talked about what the #confidencerevolution is, why I'm pumped about it and why we will succeed. If you're new, welcome! Take a few minutes to watch videos 1-3 and soak in the goodness.
In this week's episode I talk about our mental chatter box and just how much power it has over us.
I also suggest a book that CHANGED my life for the better and how I think it can help you too.
With every teeny tiny modification you are changing your life for the better. I am proud of you!
If you're new, welcome! Take a few minutes to watch videos 1-3 and soak in the goodness. In this week's episode I talk about our mental chatter box and just how much power it has over us.
More is Caught than Taught | Week 3 | Confidence Revolution
Guys, week 3! I hope you're making the most of your time today. Love the ones your with, it all goes by in a flash.
This week's video is a peek into WHY I started all of this in the first place (I'll give you a hint, she's tiny and has crazy bed head from her nap) and how I think it can be of value in your life.
"The wound is the place where light enters you." -Rumi. Y'all, the light entered big time for me. Don't be afraid of hurting, it always pushes us further along.
Airport encounter | Week 2| Confidence Revolution
Why you will succeed.
We're on the road to increased self-esteem! I'm thrilled to be trekking together. Guys, increased confidence relieves so much.
This week's video has to do with originality and success and real life.
Let me know how you're feeling and about any progress you've made. And as always I'm available for specific questions.
