What to do with Haters | Week 48 | Confidence Revolution
It’s the holiday season and you’re likely around a lot of folks – friends, family and co-workers. And some of those folks are going to throw some shade, or try to undermine you or flat out criticize you. Some will lovingly point out things you could be doing better and some will nit-pick just to annoy you.
Here are some things to remind yourself when you feel criticism being hurled at you.
Know that there are two types of criticism – destructive and constructive.
DESTRUCTIVE:
- It’s likely they don’t really KNOW you - so don't take their words personally.
- It’s 99.9% likely that their opinions have NOTHING to do with you and everything to do with their own unresolved issues, dilemmas and short comings.
- Folks who criticize (and we all do it from time to time) are seeing the world through their own view point. They’re not really putting themselves in your shoes.
- Also – THE BIG KAHUNA - You can’t change their opinion – because it’s not about you – it’s about them.
CONSTRUCTIVE:
- It’s coming from someone who shows they love you. (Not just says they love you.)
- If their comment hits a nerve, sit with it – maybe there’s some truth to the statement.
- Try not to shut it out completely – try to see if from their point of view.
- Would you benefit from a little change?
- Know you can handle it. All growth comes with some level of discomfort.
- Sometimes our loved ones know we deserve better and just want us to believe it.
You are strong and you can ABSOLUTELY handle what is coming your way.
love and grace, catia
Have you bought my latest book, The Courage to Become: Stories of Hope for Navigating Love, Marriage and Motherhood? Been meaning to - now's your chance! You'll love it! But don't take my word for it - here are some customer reviews.
AND IT'S RATED 5 OF 5 STARS ON AMAZON (I'm yelling in excitement!!!)
Know someone is the seasons of early marriage and motherhood? This is a perfect gift.
Help them feel supported and loved.
Amazon - Barnes & Noble
iTunes + Audible (I narrated the audio book myself)
Book People (shop local!) - Kindle.
Love Warrior | Week 45 | Confidence Revolution
I have been a fan of Glennon’s for a few years now. First I read Carry On, Warrior. Then I read her blogs, then I joined her community, then I went to go see her speak and then … I read Love Warrior.
I am all in when it comes to Glennon.
She is not perfect, she is real. She is not polished, she is raw. She inspires me to love and to keep showing up, to share my gifts and to stretch my heart to care for everyone (no matter how far away their troubles may seem from mine.)
Her latest book, Love Warrior is bold. It’s the story of how she and her husband hit ROCK bottom and how they healed themselves. The book is layered and complex and talks of porn, sex and infidelity. But it also talks about how she and her husband did the work to heal themselves individually and how only then were they able to heal their marriage.
Here’s one take-away from the book:
One day after Glennon found out about Craig’s infidelity, she was at church and a fellow parishioner (also a woman) approached her, wagged a finger in her face and said, “God gave you to Craig as his helper. Your duty is to help him through this time.”
Was helper really God’s name for women?
Glennon got mad and then she got curious.
It turns out, the original Hebrew word for woman is EZER. The word EZER has two roots, strong and benevolent. In her research she also found that the best translation for the word EZER is WARRIOR.
God created woman as a WARRIOR.
As young girls and women, we are fed a lot of stories. Some stories are of how prince charming will come as rescue us if we are worthy enough. Other stories are of how we should aim to be just like men. And yet other stories are about how we are a subset of humanity.
Well, I think all those stories are WRONG.
I think that women are glorious creatures. I think we have gifts bestowed upon us that are unique to us – just as men have gifts bestowed upon them that are unique to them. To be a woman is to be WHO you want to be, without the influence of stories.
Alexandra is 2 now and picking up more and more every day. She sings and counts and says Amen and has now taken to calling me, Mami. :) Because I know she is a sponge I often say, “Raise your hand if you’re smart!” We all raise our hands. “Raise your hand if you’re awesome!” We all raise our hands. “Raise your hands if you’re fun!” We all raise our hands.
And just a few weeks ago, I started weaving in “strong,” and she has started flexing her biceps.
I want her to KNOW she is worthy and kind and strong. I want her sense of worth to be a foregone conclusion.
The other day Alexandra was calling my name, she wanted me to make her breakfast. But her Papa was in the kitchen, so I took my time getting out of bed. And I heard my husband say, “Your Mama is one of the most capable people I know – she’ll come when she’s ready.” And a tear rolled down my cheek.
I am capable. I am powerful. I am a WARRIOR – KIND AND BENEVOLENT – AND SO ARE YOU.
love and grace, catia
How to Get People to Change | Week 43 | Confidence Revolution
Have you ever tried to get your girlfriend so stop dating the ‘bad guy,’ or have you ever tried to get your co-worker to do it the ‘right way?’ Maybe you’ve tried coerce your husband into going to church -- or maybe you’ve tried to convince your Aunt to vote for the RIGHT candidate. (ha!)
Trying to get people to change is the worst. But why?
You have ALL the answers. You are a #confidencerevolution champion! You know how to be vulnerable, how to create boundaries, how to love fiercely, and on and on. Don’t your friends and family know just how much you can help them?
Trying to force people to change has been a weakness of mine for a long time. I come from a good place, but sometimes I’m also kind of bossy. Shocker! ( I'm a work in progress.)
When I'm having a tough time, these are the things I remind myself of:
- Live in joy
- Be a good example
- Love them
- I have to live what I believe, not just talk the talk
- Remember that everyone gets ‘there’ in their own time, if they get ‘there’ at all.
- My path is not for everyone
The reason we get so excited about new information we’ve learned or a new way of thinking is because it worked for us. It helped us. It bettered us.
And we want those we love to also experience this goodness. BUT we have to remind ourselves that we don’t control their behavior – the most we can control is the way we live our life and hope that the byproducts of our new found ways (joy, peace, love) are enough to pique curiosity and maybe even ignite a spark of change.
So rest easy, living in your fullness and your joy is all the convincing people need.
love and grace, catia
If someone sweetly sent you this email and you'd like to become your most confident self, be more joyful, have better relationships and live a life you enjoy - JOIN the
#confidencerevolution here: Join Now.
Strokes + Insights | Week 39 | Confidence Revolution
In 1996, Harvard brain scientist Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor suffered a stroke. Because of the stroke she lost her language, her memories and ability to think about the future. She became an infant in a woman’s body. BUT -- she gained an entirely new perspective on life.
Dr. Taylor described how she lost use of half her brain, but since the other half allowed her to be connected to the present moment -- she began to feel ENERGY.
Since connecting via energy was the only way she could connect with anyone, the volume on the energy that people brought to her hospital room was turned up. She recognized when someone was brushing her off, or when they were sincerely trying to care for her – whether they made eye contact and were loving or whether they were just checking boxes (nurses, doctors, visitors, etc.)
Eventually she realized that the type of energy people brought to her room was affecting her recovery and her joy and so she made a sign that said: Please be responsible for the energy you bring into this space.
--
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and you leave feeling down or tired or bad about yourself? Those are the worst! Conversely, have you ever had a conversation with someone and you leave feeling uplifted, loved, and maybe even at peace? What you are feeling is a transfer of energy.
Some people think energy/auras/juju are mumbojumbo, but I think energy is VERY REAL.
Energy is one of the ways I evaluate people and situations. I have walked into a movie theatre and walked out because the energy felt too frantic for me. And I have warmed up to people because their energy seemed warm and welcoming.
I created the Confidence Revolution so that you could stand taller and be proud of who you are, and part of that is honoring yourself by surrounding yourself with GOOD ENERGY.
You are working so hard and making so many wonderful strides, make the most of it and surround yourself with people who are going to lift you up, who are going to support you and cheer you on and who you will do the same for.
That’s how it all works! When we are positive and kind and surround ourselves with the same type of people, that’s when cycles and addictions are broken, that’s when bad habits fall by the wayside and that’s when we accomplish things we never thought possible.
But WE MUST give and surround ourselves with good energy. Don’t be afraid to create firm boundaries and then do a little negative energy cleaning in your life. (Read more about boundaries here.)
You DESERVE goodness, you deserve to be loved, you deserve to be uplifted. Be kind and loving and demand other people do the same for you.
love and grace, catia
Click here to watch this week's Confidence Revolution video.
What's Love Got to do With it? | Week 38 | Confidence Revolution
Meet Elizabeth. She and I have been friends since the 3rd grade and the entirety of our friendship has been built on love and laughter. It’s one of those rare friendships that has survived over multiple life seasons. We have made it through moving cities, attending different universities, different professions, marriage, children and now we live in different states – and still (thankfully) we remain.
The only time we somewhat parted ways was during our college years. In my mind’s eye, she was always on the straight and narrow. She always seemed “good,” – minding her parents, playing college sports – living in the light. I tended to push the envelope and although I didn’t think of myself as a “bad” girl – I definitely stayed out late, dated guys I wasn’t supposed to, wore skimpy clothes and gave my parents headaches.
The more time Elizabeth and I spent away from each other, the more I made her out to be “good” and me out to be “bad.” And so, I pulled away from her. I knew the standards I had for my life, were lower than the ones she had for hers, I was making decisions I wasn’t proud of and quite frankly – I didn’t want to face it. I knew that if I stood in her light, I’d have to acknowledge my decision making and maybe even have to change – and since I wasn’t ready to do that – I stayed away.
One fall day in 2007, I remember a light going off in my head and realizing WHY I had pushed her away. And so I sat down and wrote her a note on this new thing people called, Facebook. I admitted to being embarrassed and even ashamed at times of my behavior and decision making – and she met me with 100% love. (She may not even remember, but it was a big day for me.)
She didn’t tell me how I had gone astray, she offered me no advice -- she told me she was glad I had written and that she loved me. And that was that. We were back on.
And after years of sitting with her kindness, I unpacked what happened.
When I sent her a message in 2007, perhaps I was ready to start making some changes, start the process of healing (which by the way – takes TIME…so be easy on yourself….you’ll get there), and her unwavering love made me feel like I deserved to heal, like I deserved to want better for myself.
And so – even though I wasn’t sure what was happening – I started in on the hard but fulfilling work of healing from the inside out.
--
It’s easy (and frustrating) to try to force people to change, because we think we know what's best. It turns out that when we push someone, when we force them into making decisions they're not ready for -- they either end up resentful or our relationship ends up strained -- if one remains at all.
We can try to force people into changing (dieting, quitting smoking, drugs, cheating, etc.) and we may get what we want fairly quickly, but it's very likely to unravel and backfire.
Have you ever been shamed into better decision making? Me neither. I have only been LOVED into better decision making.
I only made changes in my life when I knew and felt in my bones that I deserved better.
The magic sauce is loving people so much that they believe they deserve better. It's a slow process but it builds and unshakable foundation - and don't we want that for those we so dearly love?
love and grace, catia
How to Get What You Want | Week 32 | Confidence Revolution
Let’s say someone comes up to you, maybe it’s a co-worker, or family member and they say, “You’re always late! Why can’t you ever be on time?”
What’s your immediate reaction? Is it, “I’m so sorry, I won’t be late again.” Or is it, “Shut your pie hole, my kid was throwing a tantrum, I caught traffic, you don’t know my life!” Yes -- probably the latter.
Instead of motivating you to not be late, the statement puts you on the defense and probably angers you, a 100% reasonable reaction.
So if that’s how we react when posed with those kinds of statements, why do we think others will react differently when we hurl these types of statements at them?
Have you ever argued with your boss not understanding why in the hec she DOESN’T GET IT? Or have you ever locked horns with your husband or wife and thought, They are WRONG, I AM RIGHT. Maybe if I speak a litter louder, or beat them over the head with a stick, maybe then they’ll understand?! Or have you ever found yourself arguing with your folks, “You NEVER do this for me and ALWAYS do this for this them!”
These arguments can feel frustrating at best and like you are banging your head against a wall at worst. And the terrible part is that usually, no one budges and tempers flare.
This week I want to share with you communication gold. How to get what you want…eventually. Taking these steps will help you communicate your point (and get what you want), without offending the person you are communicating with. These tactics can be used at work, with family and in relationships.
1. Remove the words, YOU, ALWAYS and NEVER, from the conversation.
2. “A criticism is just a really bad way of making a request so … just make the request.” –Diane Sawyer. It's a way of saying, "Do you think we could work on this thing that makes me feel this way? Do you think we could work it out?" 9 times out of 10, each of us will be met with a resounding, "Of course we can."
3. Ask a question and listen to the answer.
So instead of saying, “You’re always late!” One could say, “I really appreciate it when we can start our project on time. Thank you so much for always respecting our time together.” Another example would be asking, “Hey, it seems like it’s been difficult to get to work on time, is there something I can help with?”
There is no telling what asking a question and listening will do to deepen a relationship. Folks who feel cared for are 4,474,567, 871 times (very scientific) more likely to come through and quite frankly over perform. :) Win, win all around!
Let me know how these work in your life!
love and grace, catia
If someone sweetly sent you this email and you'd like to become your most confident self, be more joyful, have better relationships and live a life you enjoy - JOIN the
#confidencerevolution here: Join Now.
Champions, click here to watch Episode 32!
Team Duncan | Week 31 | Confidence Revolution
Just a few months ago Tim Duncan retired and I read almost every article about his farewell. Without fail, everyone from Coach Pop to David Robinson to Dirk Nowitzki – they all sang Mr. Duncan’s praises about being a leader mostly by being the greatest team player they had ever seen.
Every article detailed how this 5 Time NBA Champion was always prepared, and how he always performed his best, and how ‘the team’ was his top priority.
“You don't see Timmy beating his chest as if he was the first human being to dunk the basketball, as a lot of people do these days. He's not pointing to the sky. He's not glamming to the cameras. He just plays, and we've seen it for so long it's become almost mundane. But it's so special that it has to be remembered.” Coach Pop continued by saying, “I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for Timmy.” And my guess is, neither would the Spurs -- as we’ve come to know them.
Over his career, Tim Duncan devoted himself so much to the sake of “team” that not only did he earn some accolades along the way, but he improved the lives of his coaches and his teammates. He kept his head down and contributed, year after year after year. And like the best leaders do, Timmy didn’t leave a group of men who won’t be able to survive without him, he left them strong and able to stand on their own.
A few weeks ago our church Pastor, Pastor Clark, preached a sermon and he said, the recipe for insignificance is only worrying about ourselves. He taught us that if we want to feel worthy and like we matter, we have to give of ourselves.
So let's ask .... where are we giving?
What teams are we on?
Who counts on you and me?
Where are we leading by example?
Whose life are we making better by contributing our gifts?
Where can we find a team?
Certainly our family can be a team, but so can our best girlfriends, so can our workout class and so can our theater group.
But maybe, just maybe, you're looking to feel like you matter MORE, and maybe you have room for one more team.
Is it in the realm of possibilities that you can start volunteering once a week or once a month at your local Boys and Girl Club, or local YMCA, or local library, or local hospital?
I know we’re all busy, and we certainly don’t HAVE TO volunteer. But how would we feel if we did? How would we feel if we lived such poured out lives that we bettered the lives of those around us? How AMAZING would we feel if we left those around us, strong and able to stand on their own? Pretty damn good, I'm guessing.
AND for those of you out there who are doing it, who are giving ALL you've got, I know you're out there, and I salute you. The world is a better place with you in it. Thank you.
love and grace, catia
If someone sweetly sent you this email and you'd like to become your most confident self, be more joyful, have better relationships and live a life you enjoy - JOIN the
#confidencerevolution here: Join Now.
Here's this week's video for all our Confidence Revolution Champions! I am so proud of you and am so happy for the strides you are making.
With them and For them | Week 28 | Confidence Revolution
A few weeks ago I watched, The Intern. It’s a cute movie where Robert De Niro plays Anne Hathaway’s intern. Anne Hathaway (Jules is her character’s name) creates a successful online clothing shop and through a turn of events Robert De Niro lands the job as her intern. Wouldn’t that be nice?!
Over the course of the movie they develop a mentor/mentee relationship where Mr. De Niro supports and coaches Anne. One day Anne is in a tough spot as she has a work meeting but also wants to take her daughter to a friend’s birthday party. Wishing she could clone herself (sign me up!) but knowing she can’t, Anne asks Mr. De Niro to take her 5 year old daughter to her schoolmate’s birthday party.
At the party a group of moms snicker and sneer as they figure out Anne is working (again) and sent her intern to cover. Mr. De Niro sits next to the snickering moms and says, “You must be so proud of Jules, one of your own, getting out there, stretching, doing her thing!” With so much pride and enthusiasm he says, “You must be so proud of her!” As only Mr. De Niro can do because he was really telling them to shove it and putting them in their place.
Does anybody out there want Mr. De Niro on their side? I do!
Have you ever heard someone say, “She’s great, but if she could make it to our weekly bible study, she would be better,” or “He’s awesome, but he doesn’t cook, and he’s always at work meetings,” or “ I just love her, but she never picks up her kids from school, the nanny does.”
Sometimes folks have this way of complementing someone and then slicing them with a shank on their way out of the conversation. Folks feel the need to qualify their praise. “I like her, BUT.” “She’s nice, BUT.” “He’s great, BUT did you hear about what happened to him 7 years ago?” It’s like they’re afraid to throw all their supportive eggs in one basket.
What would happen if we supported one another ALL the way? How would that change the fabric of our conversations, our lives?
Have you ever been so supported by someone without strings attached? It is a MAGNIFICENTLY HOLY.
It takes a special kind of person to support family and friends without agenda, and guess what? Good news!!! YOU ARE THAT PERSON. YOU have the ability to support without any BUTS attached.
You are equipped to be Robert De Niro! :)
Tips for helping you to support and love without strings attached:
*Know that everyone is allowed to be both a masterpiece and a work in progress at the same time.
*Know that it’s a hard world out there and people are trying their best.
*Know that your open heart and holy love will change the world.
*Know that when people know you are with them and for them, well, there is no greater gift to give.
love and grace, catia
If someone sweetly sent you this email and you'd like to become your most confident self, be more joyful, have better relationships and live a life you enjoy - JOIN the
#confidencerevolution here: Join Now.
Give the Best You Have | Week 18 | Confidence Revolution
Do you find yourself offended daily? Your friend didn't call you - and she knew you had something to tell her! Or, your parents forgot to wish you a happy birthday. Or, someone SAW you and cut you off on the highway. Or, maybe a business associate is giving you grief.
Most times, we live so intimately with our own thoughts and motivations, we assume those around us JUST HAVE to know what we think, who we really are and what we want. But it turns out, most times they're just trying to get through their days and lives the best they know how. Our friends and family have their own lives, motivations, and dreams.
This week I profile the book, The Four Agreements. It's a tiny book that offers wisdom in such a quick and simple way, and upon learning the lessons in the book, your life will immediately be changed for the better.
"In The Four Agreements, don Miguel Ruiz reveals the source of self-limiting beliefs that rob us of joy and create needless suffering. Based on ancient Toltec wisdom, The Four Agreements offer a powerful code of conduct that can rapidly transform our lives to a new experience of freedom, true happiness, and love."
This book will not only help you be less angry, but more peaceful. It will help you take a few steps back and view what's going on in your life as part of a bigger picture. It will help you breath deeply as you realize other's people's actions are not about you, they are about them. AND it will show you how to harness your power.
Enjoy this week's mini life lesson highlighting the The Four Agreements!
love and grace, catia
If someone sweetly sent you this email and you'd like to become your most confident self, be more joyful, have better relationships and live a life you enjoy - JOIN the
#confidencerevolution here: Join Now.
Learn to speak LOVE | Week 13 | Confidence Revolution
Have you found that love comes in all shapes and sizes? There’s BIG love, spontaneous love, platonic love, fizzle out love (you know the kind), forever love, unconditional love (my favorite!) and intentional love (okay – really my favorite!) just to name a few.
And have you also found that no matter the label placed on it – you KNOW when you feel loved? It’s an undeniable sensation, you know you are welcome to be your authentic no-is-home-and-you-can-do whatever-you-want self. :)
If you're in a long term relationship with someone (a spouse, a friend, a girlfriend/boyfriend, children, family members), you have a wonderfully unique opportunity in front of you. You have the chance to GROW in love as well as GROW the love between you and the other person.
Relationships are not easy, even challenging at times, but they don’t have to be a slog. They are supposed to make us feel good! They can bring us joy, laughter and a sense of security. Relationships can even be the unwavering foundation we stand on when we look into the big bright world. But before they can be all that, they have to be tended to.
In this week’s Week 13 Confidence Revolution lesson I am introducing two books.
1) The Zimzum of Love and
2) The 5 Love Languages
Marriage is different for everyone, but for me, it is my center and so I don’t just wish it well, I invest in it. I enjoy tending to it, and these books have helped fortify my marriage.
If there’s a relationship that you’d like to strengthen, that you’d like to see flourish, that you’d like to get more out of, watch this video for some guidance.
The great news is that tailored love can be satisfying, fulfilling and uplifting. When you love someone well, you give a gift from the heavens.
You deserve to love and be loved fiercely.
love and grace, catia
Hey guys - if you're looking to feel better, feel happy and feel confident - I have something for you.
I 100% wrote this in service of you. I want you to find joy in everyday life!
Love!
Succeed in Relationships | Week 9 | Confidence Revolution
Succeed in Relationships
"Don't they know my way is better?" "Didn't they learn the RIGHT way to take care of a baby?" "Doesn't he know birthdays are supposed to be filled with presents?" "Doesn't she know that you're supposed to have one job forever?"
When we come into relationship with someone, we bring our own thoughts and ideals. And each of our thoughts have been shaped by decades of action, inaction, and experience. So often we go into battle on our high horses over the "right" way of doing something - and drama ensues.
Most of the tension is caused by what we "think" things should look like. Is anyone with me? There's no mandate that says we HAVE to do things the way our best friends do them, or our parents did them, or the way magazines tell us we should be doing them. One of the secrets to freedom is, we get to DECIDE what works for us.
We all want thriving romantic relationships, friendships and work relationships - or else we wouldn't enter into them. So let's set them up for success, let's invest in them.
Let's actively contribute to the well-being of our relationships by figuring out how we'd like things to look and feel and then by (wait for it....) asking for what we want! Our husbands and wives and friends love us, they just see the world differently. So let's make it easy for them to fulfill our emotional needs.
And let's ABSOLUTELY reciprocate. OR we can be extra awesome and ask them what they need and want -- first! We can begin the communication. Compassion, consideration, kindness and thoughtfulness go A LONG way.
Hey guys - if you're looking to feel better, feel happy and feel confident - I have something for you.
I 100% wrote this in service of you. I want you to find joy in everyday life!
Love!
