How to Get People to Change | Week 43 | Confidence Revolution
Have you ever tried to get your girlfriend so stop dating the ‘bad guy,’ or have you ever tried to get your co-worker to do it the ‘right way?’ Maybe you’ve tried coerce your husband into going to church -- or maybe you’ve tried to convince your Aunt to vote for the RIGHT candidate. (ha!)
Trying to get people to change is the worst. But why?
You have ALL the answers. You are a #confidencerevolution champion! You know how to be vulnerable, how to create boundaries, how to love fiercely, and on and on. Don’t your friends and family know just how much you can help them?
Trying to force people to change has been a weakness of mine for a long time. I come from a good place, but sometimes I’m also kind of bossy. Shocker! ( I'm a work in progress.)
When I'm having a tough time, these are the things I remind myself of:
- Live in joy
- Be a good example
- Love them
- I have to live what I believe, not just talk the talk
- Remember that everyone gets ‘there’ in their own time, if they get ‘there’ at all.
- My path is not for everyone
The reason we get so excited about new information we’ve learned or a new way of thinking is because it worked for us. It helped us. It bettered us.
And we want those we love to also experience this goodness. BUT we have to remind ourselves that we don’t control their behavior – the most we can control is the way we live our life and hope that the byproducts of our new found ways (joy, peace, love) are enough to pique curiosity and maybe even ignite a spark of change.
So rest easy, living in your fullness and your joy is all the convincing people need.
love and grace, catia
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Speak + Light the Way | Week 42 | Confidence Revolution
Zainab Salbi is an author, women's rights activist, humanitarian, social entrepreneur, and in 2002 became the founder of Women for Women International (a non-profit organization that provides support to women survivors of war.) And in 2015 she took her platform an expanded it by launching Nida’a Show, a talk show dedicated to inspire women in the Arab world. Sounds awesome, right?
Well, her story wasn’t always as bright and shiny.
In 1969 Salbi was born to Saudi Arabian to parents and when she was 11 years old her dad, Tariq, was chosen to be Saddam Hussein’s pilot. This relationship, as you can imagine, put her family in an emotionally abusive situation. But one doesn’t just leave Saddam Hussein.
After her teenage years and as Zainab became a young women, her mother began to fear for her daughter’s life (Saddam took what and who he wanted) and so her mother shipped her off to the US as part of an arranged marriage. And after three months of suffering physical and emotional abuse from her husband, with only $400 to her name, she left to start a life of her own.
But when she arrived in the US (1988) – Zainab was ashamed to tell anyone who she was. Albeit negative, she had a direct link to Saddam Hussein. For perspective, in 1988 Saddam Hussein had just begun the genocide of their countrymen who were Kurdish. He was imprisoning, torturing and murdering people – and Zainab’s dad was his pilot - which engulfed her in shame.
At some point she realized, for her own sanity, she had to tell her story and heal, and the results surprised her.
She noted how when she did, she was met with love, empathy and compassion. And that undoubtedly, each woman she told had a shame story of their own. Something that was hindering them from moving forward.
Salbi also noticed that once she and each of these women had the courage to break their silence and step out of their own shame -- that each person became like a candle – lighting the way for others – a hope giving of sorts.
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Guys, I have been writing and speaking my truth for 6 years - I have shared some doozies with you and have shared even more with those closest to me. And in 6 years of honoring my truth – I have NEVER been met with, “That’s so weird, I’ve never heard of that!” I’ve ALWAYS been met with, “Oh, really? I didn’t know you were going through that – I ALSO went through something similar,” or “My friend went through that too,” and sometimes it’s just a plain and simple, “me too.”
And after I break my silence, I feel lighter, more connected and stronger for walking through it.
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Maybe you have credit card debt and can’t afford the purse you carry, maybe you owe the bank money, maybe you are an alcoholic, maybe you experienced abuse growing up, maybe you lead a life you’re not proud of and you’re afraid that when people find out who YOU REALLY ARE – that they won’t love you.
I’m here to tell you, that if they’re worth having around, they will.
I’m here to tell you that breaking your silence and sharing your story creates connection and gives hope to those who share in your pain. (Not to mention giving you hope!)
What you do with your story is a choice – and what a wonderful choice to OWN IT – to create your own ending.
love and grace, catia
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What's Love Got to do With it? | Week 38 | Confidence Revolution
Meet Elizabeth. She and I have been friends since the 3rd grade and the entirety of our friendship has been built on love and laughter. It’s one of those rare friendships that has survived over multiple life seasons. We have made it through moving cities, attending different universities, different professions, marriage, children and now we live in different states – and still (thankfully) we remain.
The only time we somewhat parted ways was during our college years. In my mind’s eye, she was always on the straight and narrow. She always seemed “good,” – minding her parents, playing college sports – living in the light. I tended to push the envelope and although I didn’t think of myself as a “bad” girl – I definitely stayed out late, dated guys I wasn’t supposed to, wore skimpy clothes and gave my parents headaches.
The more time Elizabeth and I spent away from each other, the more I made her out to be “good” and me out to be “bad.” And so, I pulled away from her. I knew the standards I had for my life, were lower than the ones she had for hers, I was making decisions I wasn’t proud of and quite frankly – I didn’t want to face it. I knew that if I stood in her light, I’d have to acknowledge my decision making and maybe even have to change – and since I wasn’t ready to do that – I stayed away.
One fall day in 2007, I remember a light going off in my head and realizing WHY I had pushed her away. And so I sat down and wrote her a note on this new thing people called, Facebook. I admitted to being embarrassed and even ashamed at times of my behavior and decision making – and she met me with 100% love. (She may not even remember, but it was a big day for me.)
She didn’t tell me how I had gone astray, she offered me no advice -- she told me she was glad I had written and that she loved me. And that was that. We were back on.
And after years of sitting with her kindness, I unpacked what happened.
When I sent her a message in 2007, perhaps I was ready to start making some changes, start the process of healing (which by the way – takes TIME…so be easy on yourself….you’ll get there), and her unwavering love made me feel like I deserved to heal, like I deserved to want better for myself.
And so – even though I wasn’t sure what was happening – I started in on the hard but fulfilling work of healing from the inside out.
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It’s easy (and frustrating) to try to force people to change, because we think we know what's best. It turns out that when we push someone, when we force them into making decisions they're not ready for -- they either end up resentful or our relationship ends up strained -- if one remains at all.
We can try to force people into changing (dieting, quitting smoking, drugs, cheating, etc.) and we may get what we want fairly quickly, but it's very likely to unravel and backfire.
Have you ever been shamed into better decision making? Me neither. I have only been LOVED into better decision making.
I only made changes in my life when I knew and felt in my bones that I deserved better.
The magic sauce is loving people so much that they believe they deserve better. It's a slow process but it builds and unshakable foundation - and don't we want that for those we so dearly love?
love and grace, catia
Denzel Preaches | Week 35 | Confidence Revolution
I am a sports kind of gal. I love live sports, sports on television, I even love sports talk radio! There’s something about the combination of fanfare and team work that gets me every time.
The other day I watched Remember the Titans. I loved it when it debuted in 2000 and I love it still.
The movie is based on the true story of Herman Boone (portrayed by none other than Denzel Washington), trying to lead his football team to victory. Only it’s 1971 in Virginia -- and the high school Denzel works at is newly integrated racially.
Denzel (he’s my friend, we’re on a first name basis) tries to come up with ways to get his team to integrate on a deeper level. He wants them to play football not only with each other but for each other.
Half-way through the film the football teams goes on a workout retreat and as part of the retreat, they are loudly awakened and tasked with running miles and miles through dense woods.
The football players have not yet become a TEAM, and so they are tense, pissed, tired, hungry and overall unpleasant. They go on this run through the woods and they are grumbling while they dodge boulders and trees. They are running before the sun has risen and so they are particularly bothered -- and after miles and miles of running, their coach (who has been leading the run) stops as he sees an open field.
Fog hovers over the ground and Denzel addresses his team while they are crouched over huffing and puffing.
“Anybody know what this place is? This is Gettysburg. This is where they fought the battle of Gettysburg. Fifty thousand men died right here on this field, fighting the same fight that we're still fighting amongst ourselves.....today. This green field right here was painted red, bubbling with the blood of young boys. Smoke and hot lead pouring right through their bodies. Listen to their souls, men. 'I killed my brother with malice in my heart. Hatred destroyed my family.' Listen and take a lesson from the dead.
If we don't come together right now, on this hallowed ground, we too will be destroyed just like they were.”
That’s where we are in America and maybe the world. We are inundated with fear through all forms of media, it’s no wonder the chasm is widening between certain religions and races.
During that same retreat the movie highlights the two pack leaders of the football team, Gerry Bertier and Julius Campbell. Gerry (white) is the team captain and he is aggravated that Julius (black) although immensely talented is not giving his all during team practices. Gerry reaches his tipping point and confronts Julius about it.
Julius, sharing in Gerry’s aggravation aggressively asks, “The captain is supposed to be the leader, right?” Julius points out how some of the white members of the team have also been slacking and how Gerry hasn’t done a damn thing about it. Then Julius says to Gerry, “Attitude reflects leadership, Captain.”
Mic drop.
Guys and gals, if we want the world to change, WE, YOU and I, have to push. WE can move the needle forward by changing the way we operate. However good and loving and progressive we think we are, we can always do a little more to be loving and inclusive.
We can’t just tell our children (and younger generations) what to do, we have to SHOW them through our ACTIONS.
Attitude reflects leadership and WE are the leaders.
love and grace, catia