Courage to Become | Karina Shivdasani
“I grew up with a lot of insecurities. I always felt uncomfortable in my own skin. I felt too chubby, not pretty enough, too tall, and I hated my “Bugs Bunny” teeth. I am an Indian-American, and within my culture people have no problem calling out your “flaws” (at least in my experience). I remember when I was younger, before our summer trips to India I made sure I was on a diet. I didn’t want to be called out for my weight or didn’t want to hear “Karina you need to stop growing so tall, you are never going to find a boy to marry”. My goal was always to keep as much attention off me as possible!”
A quick note about The Courage to Become Series and today’s, featured woman.
Hi! Catia here. I am delighted to bring you Season 4 of The Courage to Become! I ask women I admire to share a behind the scenes view of their becoming. We often see the result but aren’t privy to the through, to the transformation. And the through is where all the magic happens. The story you are about to read will buoy you with hope. Being a woman is not easy, but damn, if it can be magical. There are inspirational women everywhere, and Melissa is one of them.
Enjoy Karina’s story of becoming. I watch her company or social media and admire the way she is so passionate about uplifting others and spreading love! I have learned so much from her about connection and commitment. I know you will too! Please welcome, Karina.
Tell us a little bit about yourself.
Hi there! My name is Karina, and I the founder of a Kind Fashion company called Common Assembly. Aside from that, I am a newly certified Reiki practitioner, I am a woman that is learning how to be vibrantly and fully me, and I'd like to think I spread fairy dust and make people smile =)
What was one thing you always dreamt of doing, were afraid to do, but did anyway?
I was always scared of being bold! I was scared of taking risks! I was afraid of stepping out of my comfort zone. Honestly, as a child, I was also afraid of speaking and letting my voice be heard. So I jumped into starting my own business, called Common Assembly. I tend to go 0-60 and dive into things when I have those few moments of courage that divinely come when we need it the most.
Common Assembly models and fashion
I wanted to share something with you all. I often get asked, how did you come up with the idea of kindness in fashion?There is a short answer to this, but I feel compelled to tell you the whole story…my story…
I grew up with a lot of insecurities. I always felt uncomfortable in my own skin. I felt too chubby, not pretty enough, too tall, and I hated my “Bugs Bunny” teeth. I am an Indian-American, and within my culture people have no problem calling out your “flaws” (at least in my experience). I remember when I was younger, before our summer trips to India I made sure I was on a diet. I didn’t want to be called out for my weight or didn’t want to hear "Karina you need to stop growing so tall, you are never going to find a boy to marry". My goal was always to keep as much attention off me as possible!
In my late teens I finally felt like I was climbing in my confidence. I was shedding my baby weight, and finally felt like I had a voice. Silly story- but my greatest challenge/accomplishment at that time was running for Student Council President my junior year. OMG when I had to give my election speech in front of everyone I nearly peed my pants, I was TREMBLING. But I won..little ol’ me…I actually won, people liked me, and they liked what I had to say. I literally remember thinking “Life is good, everything is going great…I could get used to this”. And like a flip of a switch, my world changed overnight, and it left me feeling broken and lost.
What had happened was a complete freak accident…the type of thing you see in the movies. My brother fell off a 3rd floor balcony one night (he was 22, I was 18). His accident left him paralyzed from the waist down. I won’t dive into everything- but use your imagination. It was a surreal experience for me and my family. We went through all the stages of grief, the “Why ME?”, the “How can you God?”, and when we were done fighting and got to a place of acceptance, the healing started.
For us healing was diving into spirituality. Reading books by authors like Dr. Wayne Dyer, Dr. Joe Dispenza, Anita Moorjani and attending their seminars all over the U.S. At first I was not open to this: Your thoughts matter? Positivity? …seemed like this was all just some coping mechanism to escape reality and pretend like everything was ok. But then I actually started to listen. I learned about how important it is to honor yourself, your feelings, and to take care of yourself first. I learned that self-care is not selfish. And in practice that my perspective and my life started to shift. I felt lighter, I allowed myself to come face to face with the pain I was still holding, I had tough conversations to finally open up and tell my family what I was going through (rather than always being strong for them). I finally saw me for me and honored what I needed. That was my magic.
This brings us to today, almost 14 years later. It has been quite a ride, but one that we are grateful for. Our lives changed, but for the better. Out of this “tragedy” was born so much good. Vik, my brother, is a life coach helping other people overcome adversity in their lives. My parents and some family members started a nonprofit organization called Infinite Love, which is serving South Texas with love, sacred shared space, and community. And me, it has brought me to a place where I can fulfill my passion!
Karina and Vik
Through these experiences, I have recognized that all the emotions I felt were#realcommon. People everywhere have their version of my story. My heart is in helping women through their journeys and creating a community that highlights and supports everything we have in common. When we feel good, we do good, and for women “feeling good” often translates to how we dress and self-express. When we are kinder to ourselves and honor our authentic selves, we have more capacity to help others. That journey ignited my passion for creating Common Assembly. With the thought to one day create this business, I followed a fashion merchandising career path as an Apparel Buyer for a nationwide corporate retailer. Now, I am ready to share my journey with the world.
Common Assembly was born out of a passion to provide women fashion they could feel good about, one that would fill your closet and your soul. We believe kindness is the thread that connects us all, and we do our part to weave it into everything we do. We’re committed to Kindness for the Common Good.
Karina
How did it feel getting started?:
Lots of emotions. I first was on cloud nine thinking the Universe is going to support me fully, and I will be an overnight success. Things did not go so smoothly, and I broke down feeling like a failure within the first few months, and what was my passion project turned into my most significant stressor. It took me a moment to recognize the hardships were the biggest blessings. Then, as I surrendered to the situation, grew, and learned from an open perspective, it shifted back to becoming the beautiful passion project that fulfills me and brings me so much joy.
Tell us about some of the obstacles you faced when you started your business?
There were a lot; literally, nothing was going smoothly. It felt like I couldn't catch a break, third party agencies that we signed on with did not work out, customer outreach was not as strong as we hoped, we had technical difficulties with the site.
Common Assembly model and fashion
What motivates you to grow Common Assembly?
Creating a Kind Fashion company fills me so much. I love fashion; I love seeing women feel good in how they are expressing themselves, I love creating a work culture that supports my team's emotional, soul, and career growth, I love creating content for our kind blog, I love and honor the opportunity to connect with and hopefully enrich someone else's life.
Which living person do you most admire?
My mom. She is the walking definition of what the embodiment of unconditional love is.
Karina and her mama, Malka
Which talent would you most like to have?
I would love the ability to play the guitar, piano, tabla (Indian drums), and sitar. Music moves me deeply.
What is your most marked characteristic?
This is a hard question. I believe it would be my compassion and soft demeanor.
Do you have a motto you turn to often?
"Life doesn't happen to you; it happens for you."
What are some things you are proud to have accomplished?
1)Coming out of my shell 2) Using my voice 3) Being bold when it mattered most
Karina and her husband Mehul
What keeps you going when you feel like you are knee-deep in the mud?
Remembering that it is just my perception of keeping me there. I practice being aware of it, acknowledging it, and allowing the feels to be there. Once I have allowed myself to feel, I breathe through it and work on shifting my perception to a greater, more expansive place.
What's one piece of advice you'd give to women who are about to embark on the journey you are on?
YOU CAN DO IT! The hard times are your most significant gift.
What is one piece of advice you would give your 20-year-old self?
Live authentically, live fully. That is the greatest gift you can do for yourself.
Hi friend!
Welcome to Bright Light.
I'm Catia, a woman, wife, mama, sister, friend, daughter -- you know -- I wear a million hats just like you.
Here at Bright Light, I help parents worldwide enjoy their lives and enjoy their kids.
Family life can be beautiful, but it's not easy. A day in a family can be filled with heartache, guilt, hugs, crying, laughing, and rushing from one place to another.
I help parents create the home life they've always wanted and an environment that feels good for everyone. I teach parents how to strengthen their marriages and relationships with their children.
I believe in the power of parents and families to support and encourage each family member and then take that energy and make the world a better place.
You have the strength to break behavioral patterns, heal intergenerational trauma, and nurture your family in the way you have always wanted to.
To each session, I bring my training as a Certified Conscious Coach, my graduate studies in Marriage and Family Therapy, and my decade-long career as an author and keynote speaker. My approach is multi-cultural, grounded in research and my own experience as the mama of two young girls.
If I could choose ten words that best describe me, I would say: honest, welcoming, giving, curious, loving, earnest, empathetic, spiritual, playful, and sassy. Let's add: adventurous. That's 11.
Nice to meet you!
Want to start feeling really good but not sure where to start? Jump on into our virtual classroom (complimentary of course!) and get a guide on how to walk with confidence and joy! You are divine. You are magic. I look forward to serving you!
Monthly Guide
We all need reminders of how loved we are. I know that when I need support being my best self - a quick reminder that I am worthy and loved does the trick! Snag some goodies from my shop and treat yourself to a soul pick-me-up.
Shine your brightest,
The Courage to Become | Laura Morsman-Churchill
The Courage to Become a Business Owner + Enjoy it
Hey there! My name is Laura Morsman-Churchill, I created Laura Morsman Photography, my destination editorial photography company -- in 2013 when I first moved to Austin by total accident after years of working as a manager for Anthropologie! I am originally from Kansas City live in Austin, Texas with my music teacher husband John, and our two pups, Mr. Hitchens and Muffy!
Being the 2nd oldest child of 6 in my family, (with the youngest two currently 10 years old) many of my clients ask me how I can keep my calm in the middle of the chaos of working with so many people, and I always refer back to the incredibly beautiful circus living in a big family does to a person. You just go with the flow ;)
One thing I was afraid of doing but did anyway was….
Definitely starting my own business, but up until it happened, I had no idea that it was what I wanted to be doing!! I never had dreams of being an entrepreneur or a business owner. I went to college to become a child psychologist and art therapist, and left my senior year after a traumatic life event two semesters away from graduating. I honestly had no goal to be a photographer, and no clear direction with a career path. When people started asking me if I would photograph their families (after they saw me photograph my own big family), I just never said no, and now I'm here! It was definitely/honestly was a case of "fake it till you make it".
Getting started felt…
Absolutely crazy. I had been so conditioned to working a 40+ hour week, managing a team, setting monetary sales goal, with a bi-monthly paycheck and health insurance. When it came to the point where I grew to have each of my weekends taken up by photo shoots, my husband was absolutely the one responsible for pushing me past my comfort zone and finally stepping down as manager, to a part time employee, and finally taking my leave after almost 5 years with a company I truly loved.
My business wouldn't exist without that terrifying leap and definitely wouldn't have happened if my husband hadn't had been there to push me off the ledge of self-doubt.
Obstacles I faced getting started…
Oh man. Where to start. When I first started my photography business, I don't want to say that I didn't have confidence, I feel like that was one thing I did have because I didn't intend to be a photographer at all! With that, if I ever did get a push back or even just a question from a potential client about my prices, ideas, location options, I shrank on the inside.
Learning how to stand by what I was offering was one of the hardest details for me but once I got it, and knew that what I was offering was valuable, that was such a great area of growth that shifted my entire business. Dividing my actual worth and my business has been an incredibly hard but extremely powerful journey for me.
I am motivated by…
My love for people motivates me to keep photographing them. Knowing the intricacy and quickness of life keeps my mind desiring to document it as much as I can.
The most pivotal moment in my life to date was my closest friend suddenly passing away when I was 18. I had taken a photo of him hours before he was killed, and realizing how important that moment caught in time was to me, I think of how people view their loved ones, and I want to capture every ounce of spirit in my clients lives that I can.
We aren't promised anything in life, but we get into grooves where it feels as if we will have all that is around us forever. I do my best to document this world through the eyes of loving it so much, and then I give that viewpoint back to my clients. I love it so so much.
The living person I admire most is…
Without a doubt, it's Ellen DeGeneres. Despite the adversity she found herself in at the very start of her career, she persevered through the doubt and absolute judgement people put up against her best efforts and showed the world how to love, smile, and laugh, even amidst people's small mindedness or life's pains. Look at that shining, loving light of a person now and how many lives she has changed. She was always Ellen, and she knew that 100% without anyone's acceptance. It just took the world years to realize how much she had to share.
I would most like to have the talent to…
I would love to have the opposite of stage fright when it comes to singing!! My mom was an opera singer, and taught me the craft! I absolutely love LOVE singing... and in a former or future life, that would be what I'd be doing! One of these days you'll find me on a stage or at an outdoor venue singing a tune or two ;)
My most marked characteristic is…
I have been told often that I am very tolerant/patient. That totally makes me laugh though! I definitely go back to the whole large family bit. You can't be impatient when 5 people need dinner, want to play outside, are missing a shoe, trying to ride the dog like a horse, or need their seat belt buckled!
A motto I try to live by is…
As simple as it is, it's "Live and let live". In our life we always seem to wait for others to accept the way/path/route we've chosen before we accept it as OK for ourselves. Especially in a world where our lives are encouraged to be documented in portfolio form through social media and shown to the entire world essentially awaiting their approval. You do you and I'll do me, and let's just love each other through understanding, or if there isn't that, through acceptance and respect.
Some things I am proud to have accomplished are…
Hmm... That's hard to have an answer to! For me, my biggest accomplishments in my mind were emotional rather than career focused. My high school and college years were my toughest and some I almost didn't make it through. Accepting the recovery path after almost losing my life to anorexia and deciding to live past the pain in losing friends at an early age to me were things I never thought I could endure. I am still in awe of being on this side of those seasons and am more thankful than ever to be able to relate and walk with those going through the same experiences.
Some hopes I have for my future are…
I don't really know! It takes a lot for me to stay in the present. I love where I am, and if I could do this forever, I would! I am so happy with where this hustle has gotten me, I love my life. At this point, I get to travel to see my family, experience my youngest siblings growing up, and things keep getting better. I would love to photograph families, wedding and fashion all around the world. And I'm doing that! My hope for the future would be continued opportunities and continual expansion of where my photography finds itself!
One piece of advice I would give women about to embark on this journey is…
I talk about this all the time when people are approaching photography as a business, a blog, anything. You can't go into it with others’ opinions or acceptances being your compass or scale of your value or success. You go into something like this accepting success or failure with the same open arms, and also realizing that this isn't your only skill, your only value, or your only purpose. Someone asked me on a podcast interview if I had a plan B, and if I did, then I wasn't a real photographer. My answer was that if I didn't have a plan B, then I was shortchanging myself on my own abilities, because I am so much more than a photographer and if I needed to, I would totally dive into anything else I love doing!
The second part to this is the most important to me -- It's loving others and embracing their success despite your own. Your business shouldn't adjust your heart towards others, and if anything, it should stretch it. As hard as it is, try to nix competition and embrace encouragement.
If you tend to compare, put yourself down, and lose your steam when you are watching other's success -- don't watch others. If you find yourself feeling like a failure when you see others on Instagram seemingly soaring with their pursuits and business, do yourself a favor and shut that app OFF!
You do you, no one else can take that uniqueness away from you! Soon enough you'll see that your own ideas and the way you approach, brand, document your work will have its own personality since it isn't being squelched or influenced by people walking their own unique paths!
Essay by: Laura Morsman-Churchil
I am honored to know Laura, she is a gem of a person. Right?! Can't you just feel her peace. I think it's so powerful.
Run don't walk to Laura! You'll be glad you did!!!! She's based in Austin, but travels the country! Maybe she'll stop in your neck of the woods next!!
Hi friend!
I'm Catia, a woman, wife, mama, sister, sister friend, you know -- I wear a million hats just like you.
One of my biggest whys is that I want people to feel good about ALL of who they are. Including you.
The threads running through all my work (I’m an author - The Courage to Become, I’m a motivational speaker - TEDx, Choose Joy or Die , I am a private coach ) are hope, joy and empowerment.
If I could choose ten words that best describe me I would say: honest, welcoming, giving, curious, loving, earnest, empathetic, spiritual, playful, and sassy. Let's add: adventurous. That's 11.
Nice to meet you!
Want to start feeling really good but not sure where to start? Jump on into our virtual classroom (complimentary of course!) and get a weekly guide on how to walk with confidence and joy! You are divine. You are magic. I look forward to serving you!
Confidence + Joy Weekly Guide
The Courage to Become | Aimee Gonzalez Niebuhr
The Courage to Become Fulfilled
When Catia invited me to share my story of courage in this inspiring series, I felt relieved that she and I met during my thirtieth year of life; had she propositioned me any sooner, well, then there might not have been a story to tell. This year has been the year of my becoming.
Perhaps I am a late bloomer. Maybe it is that I spent many years devoting my gifts to nurturing the blossoming of others: my husband and our marriage, our two growing boys, my many younger siblings, and the countless people I hold dear. You see, while those who know me most intimately would tell you that I have always lived a courageous life, the truth is that I am only just beginning to break free from fear and find fulfillment.
It isn’t to say that my childhood wasn’t fulfilling. My mother, a relentlessly heroic single mama, taught me grit and perseverance. We found smiles in simplicity. I was the girl who sat beneath the crooked branches of the mesquite trees in my South Texas backyard filling my journal with poetry. In the fifth grade, I earned the title of “Texas Rising Star” and had a poem published. It was my first taste of seeing my words in print. I was hooked. When interviewed at an awards banquet and asked whom I planned to be when I grew up, I confidently proclaimed that I would be a journalist and published author. In my ten-year-old heart, it was destiny. What could ever stand in my way?
Yet, over the course of my life, my fearlessness faded. My poetry became darker; my journals more filled with angst, until, at last, writing ceased altogether. I could tell you of all of the experiences that diminished my feminine power: the assaults upon my body and spirit, which profoundly affected my self worth for years to come. Experiences that shaped my perception of the world, leading me to believe that love wasn’t truly love without pain; life couldn’t truly be lived without aching. And women were intended to slowly fade away.
But that isn’t the story I want to tell you today, and the sobering truth is, if you are a woman reading this account, you likely have your own stories of injustice layered somewhere within your soul, amongst the songs of triumph and gladness.
No, I want to tell you about the day that I decided that I was courageous enough to seek fulfillment. The moment when I realized I was bold enough to become.
Before I could begin my ascent, however, I had to stop and confront my discontent.
It is difficult as a mother to say the words aloud: I long for something more. I was living a life many dream of; a life I had dreamed of myself. A man who wanted nothing more than to provide happiness and stability loved me, fully, and I loved him in return. I was healing past wounds. Growing into myself. We had welcomed two remarkable boys into the world; their ability to see every miniscule moment as marvelous brought me profound joy. Staying home to care for and homeschool them was a gift. Life wasn’t always perfect, and it was rarely easy, but it was ours.
Yet, I continued to struggle internally with feelings of worthlessness, while wearing a brave smile for the world. I played the part of gracious wife, gentle mother, patient teacher, and with each year that passed, with every moment that I spent pouring my soul into others, I felt myself drifting further and further away from the girl who once occupied my body. The girl who dreamed. The girl who put pencil to paper and wrote the words dancing in her head. The girl who believed that everyone had a story to tell. That every voice mattered. (Even my own.)
Had I not had my daughter, I might not have ever found that girl again.
We sat in the postpartum room alone together in the stillness of the night. My new beautiful baby, hours old, felt so delicate in my embrace, somehow smaller than her two brothers had been, yet her eyes were alert with wonder. She was tiny, but she exuded power. A deeply profound sense of urgency filled me as we held each other’s gaze; an urgency to become the woman I had always imagined myself to be.
How would I ever begin to teach her that she could be anything, anything, she desired, if I could not face my fears and manifest my own desires?
In the weeks that followed the fiery urgency grew; it was as if a small spark of possibility had grown into a passionately raging fire. Though I had been able to ignore it in the years that had preceded, there was no putting it out this time. There were moments that were uncomfortable, as I reconciled the fact that motherhood alone could not sustain me. For years, I hid behind the guise of the giver, acting as though my life were too busy to be able to give to myself. Yet, it wasn’t about all of the moments spent mothering. It wasn’t even about the fear trying and failing.
I was afraid to become, because if I did, I just might discover how powerful I could truly be.
(Spoiler alert: I jumped in headfirst and did it anyway.)
Laptop balanced against my knees, my six-week-old daughter nursed eagerly at my breast as the debit card shook between my trembling fingers. I purchased my little corner of the internet. A blog. A space for the words suppressed for a decade to finally exist.
As the clock counted down to a new year, tears of gratitude streamed down my cheeks. “You can be anything you choose to become, baby girl. And I am going to show you it is true.”
It has been eleven months since that fateful night; they have been some of the most transformative of my life. As a mom who had her babies young and didn’t finish college, I’ve found the courage to apply for freelance writing jobs, and I have earned them. I’ve seen my words published and shared in places I have only dreamed of. I’ve met women who inspire me to share my truth and speak it loudly.
My stories are no longer shouting at me from the insides, begging to be written; out of my body and into the light they have come. And even if no one ever read them at all, it wouldn’t matter, because that has never been the point. There is joy in knowing they exist, because through their existence, I exist.
Not as Aimee: the once broken and now pieced-back-together girl. Not as Aimee: the wife, the mother, the friend; though coveted roles they all may be.
I exist as Aimee: the one with the divine gift.
(As each of you are also called to exist.)
And when my old companion fear begins to raise her voice? I look her in the eye. Aloud, I cry, “I am ready to accept the gifts offered to me,” tilting my head a little higher than even fear can stand.
Most of all, I am beginning to understand the gravity of Dr. Brene Brown’s message when she told us that “any gift that goes unused becomes a burden.”
I feel the weight of my longing lifting, and I have never felt more alive.
Essay by: Aimee Gonzalez Niebuhr
Hi friend!
I'm Catia, a woman, wife, mama, sister, sister friend, you know -- I wear a million hats just like you.
One of my biggest whys is that I want people to feel good about ALL of who they are. Including you.
The threads running through all my work (I’m an author - The Courage to Become, I’m a motivational speaker - TEDx, Choose Joy or Die , I am a private coach ) are hope, joy and empowerment.
If I could choose ten words that best describe me I would say: honest, welcoming, giving, curious, loving, earnest, empathetic, spiritual, playful, and sassy. Let's add: adventurous. That's 11.
Nice to meet you!
Want to start feeling really good but not sure where to start? Jump on into our virtual classroom (complimentary of course!) and get a weekly guide on how to walk with confidence and joy! You are divine. You are magic. I look forward to serving you!
Confidence + Joy Weekly Guide
Leaving work Post Partum
Originally published on 7-24-13
Before graduating high school I was an honors student, played varsity golf and was a drum major of a 300 person marching band. When I graduated at 17 years old, I ranked 5th out of 600. After high school I attended UT Business School and clipped through that in 3 years, only to graduate at 20 years old. Immediately after UT I enrolled in graduate school at the University of Houston where I worked full time and took a full course load. After two years in graduate school I graduated with a 4.0 and got hired onto my then dream job, a manager at Eddie V’s Edgewater Grille in downtown Austin. In 2006 Eddie V’s was the sexiest place in town. The restaurant was filled with money, power, fame and beauty to boot. I was having my cake and eating it too. At 25 my family hired me full time to help run their million dollar business, Holiday Wine and Liquor. I attended community events, filmed commercials, conducted wine tastings, created team culture and built our brand. After four years with Holiday, I was hired in 2011 to be General Manager of Bar Operations at ACL-Live in downtown Austin. I was back in Austin and working at the hippest place in town. Mariah Carey told me to make it happen, and I did.
Well, a month ago I let ACL and all the cache that went with it, go. I left for two reasons. The first was to create a better environment for my relationship and future family. The second was to focus on Anna and see my dreams of writing and coaching come true.
But, seven days after I left ACL, it hit like an anvil, I was making less money and I had turned in all my street cred. Money equals power, right? Or does money equal freedom? Or does working at a cool place equal power and freedom? Whatever money and job status equals, I started to feel a little less than. I felt like a financial burden to my partner and it seemed the only way to rectify this was to work really hard at making our house perfect.
On the 8th day, I woke up at 7:45 and made the bed by 8am. I had never made the bed so early. By noon, I had washed dishes, rearranged the living room furniture, took out the trash and recycling, made iced tea, and thanked my boyfriend 78 times for reasons known and unknown. I kept thinking, “Oh, what a nice man to take me in with all my student loan debt, I’d better be extra appreciative today, he is the breadwinner after all!” I was thanking him at the rate that Pippen thanked Jordan. I was thanking him like Katie Holmes and Nicole Kidman thanked Tom Cruise. I couldn’t stop thinking how disrespectful it would be to say, “You bring home the bacon and don’t forget to cook in for breakfast too!”
Maybe it was the Mexican servitude in me and maybe it was all those years of Catholic guilt indoctrination, but it was there and it was loud.
The fact that I was not contributing as much money to the family bank account grabbed a hold of me in a way I didn’t think it would. But, like the sun rises every morning, so too did God send me a teacher.
In the few weeks after my mind had been spinning, Guapo and I sat down with friends for dinner. There were three couples, and we sat divided at the table, three men and three women. Conversation got rolling and I had the patience to wait until our entrees to do what I do best, spill my beans.
I detailed my latest life developments which included: leaving ACL, making less money, feeling overloaded with domestic duties and feeling a little less than. I described to these ladies who are wonderful mothers and strong women, how I had been unsettled and how I was trying to get my sea legs for being what I have coined a ‘house person’ (since I’m not a Mom yet), someone who largely works from home and tends to house hold duties.
Elizabeth, a mom of three, looked at me and said, “Girl, when I left my job, it took me a year and a half to adjust!” She said, “Even though I knew it was the right decision for my family, I felt less than because I no longer had a job that people were in awe of.” Elizabeth continued with, “It took some real effort not to say, I’m just a stay at home mom. When the babies cried, I felt the need to jump out of bed and not inconvenience my husband who works long days.”
Vanessa, a mom of two, said, “Oh yes, I totally understand. At first you’ll feel the need to always have the dishwasher empty and have elaborate dinners cooked.” She too had a really cool job where she had more street cred than she could ask for. Vanessa also opened up and told me about the first time she went shopping after she became a stay at home mom. She said she paused out of guilt before buying a $50 bra, because maybe it wasn’t really communal money. Thankfully, Vanessa didn’t let the conversation end before telling me that there was a time she apologized to her husband for not having the dishes cleaned and he replied with, “Don’t worry about it, it’s not your job.” Surprised, Vanessa asked, “It’s not?” And she grabbed my hand and looked at me and said, “It’s not.” I felt relief sinking in.
There’s a lot to be said for women who support women. They could have easily brushed aside my comments, but they didn’t. They listened and empathized and responded. They held my hand, told me they knew exactly how I felt and sent me on my way. I am very grateful for them.
On the drive home after dinner, because I just had to have it all figured out before we were in the driveway I asked Guapo “What is my job now that I have so much free time?” He took a second and said, “Your job is to be kind and thoughtful and fulfilled, without those things our world doesn’t work.” He said, “You took a leap of faith on us, and I honor that. You giving up a job where you work nights and odd hours enhances our lives, and for that I’m grateful.” It finally started sinking in that I in fact was not a financial burden and that my increased presence in our lives was valued on time alone.
We parked the car, walked inside our home and I sat at the kitchen table while I watched Guapo buzz around the house. He fed the dogs and changed the slip covers on the sofa cushions and I told my Catholic guilt to hit the road.
The next day I reconciled that all my go getter accomplishments were still there and that “I” the person who did all those things didn’t vanish, I just decided to take another route. I made a deliberate choice to channel my energy into my home and my family and my dream of writing, and that doesn’t make me less than who I was six months ago. It in fact, gets me closer to being who I want to be.
Ladies, thank society for their idea of who you should be and if it doesn’t work for you, set it aside. Our greatest responsibility is not to make sure we fit into perfect boxes. Our greatest responsibilities as beings are to remain fulfilled and healthy and happy, so that we may make each of our corners a better place.
Some days I’ll have the bed made by 8am and some days I won’t, and it’s all okay.
The Velveteen Rabbit
Originally published on 7-11-13
Yesterday afternoon I walked up to the register at work and there she was in all her glory and there I was in all my plainness. She and I had once been friends but eventually the friendship strained and like often happens, life took us in different directions. There was no wall to cower behind and no rock to hide under.
There I stood, all 63 inches of me. I was dressed in rolled up boyfriend jeans, borrowed summer flats, a tattered Old Navy tank top, my hair lazily pulled into a pony tail, my boobs were hanging a little lower to the ground because I was wearing a strapless bra a few sizes too big (let’s face it, after running a marathon, they just never came back), I had not a lick of make up on and not even the dullest sparkle. I was as raw as I could be.
She was adorned with expensive shiny jewelry, stood what seemed a foot taller than me, she had her make up perfectly applied and her hair perfectly coiffed and she looked as beautiful as ever. I felt like we were in the boxing ring. She was packing a mean punch and I was out of my league.
My heart started to race and my ego started to squirm, it was so uncomfortable. All I could think was, “She’s so tall and beautiful, and I’m so short and inferior.” I was intimidated by her appearance. We stood there making small talk; all the while I was analyzing her accessories and comparing them to the lack of mine.
My thoughts were shallow in the worst way, I know. I felt like a frumpy commoner standing in the shadow of this glamazon.
Who knows what she was thinking? Maybe she was thinking, “Woah, Catia really stopped caring about her appearance,” or maybe she thought, “Casual Wednesday!” Or maybe she had the audacity to think about her own life, “I’ve got to make sure to pick up bread before I pick up the kids from day care.”
As she drove off in her cool car (my dream car), I pushed the emergency button.
My first move was to call my Sis who turns out couldn’t give me much solace as she was at work, I was pouty but I understood. Then I dialed my cousin to confess my moment of total intimidation. Then I called my boyfriend. No one answered. Rats!
I resolved I’d have to push through it myself, and I called on the following notion:
If you are walking in God’s purpose you should not be intimidated by anything or anyone else. Way easier said than done.
So I had a chat with myself.
Am I walking in God’s purpose? Yes. I am good to people, I love and nurture those around me, I offer kindness and love at the same rate that Dancing With The Stars offers golden spray tans. I am loved and I love deeply in return. I offer more good to the world than bad. I am pleased with the person I am.
For a solid fifteen minutes I sat with the awkward feelings, then went about my business at work and about an hour later, I had talked myself through the embarrassment. And then, it was over and I had a good laugh.
The Band-Aid solution would be to constantly be Stepford ready, but it would be a superficial fix and would not address my insecurities and self-esteem.
Every day, I stand in front of a mirror my eyes wander to the parts of my body that need the most help. I’m 5’3 and have always yearned to be taller, fat collects in my belly, I have cellulite, and my nose seems to be more pronounced than ever, I have pockets of fat on my inner thighs that have proven to be more indestructible than Kryptonite and …. -- as soon as I get on roll like that I try catch mind and I begin to be kind and gentle on myself and be grateful for all my blessings.
I stand back and say, I am thankful for having two arms to bear hug my friends with and two healthy legs to run marathons with and teeth to eat vanilla birthday cake with and a heart that has the capacity to love something in just about everyone and that my heart has the capacity to feel love.
Quite often my boyfriend tells me he fell in love with me because I am kind and thoughtful. After the 789th time it finally sank in and I relief washed over me! I don’t have to be Real Housewives of Beverly Hills dressed to be loved, I can just be me, and I can be real.
As happens, time will take its toll and our faces will change our skin will soften and our toes will curl. Our body will change; fashions and trends will fade away and so will suit we wear. As our outside fades our intentions, hearts and goodness will remain real.
“Real isn't how you are made. It’s a thing that happens to you. It doesn't happen all at once. You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand.” - Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit
If we can wrap our minds around the notion that what is real and significant is the way we treat people and the way we love, then I think we’d all breathe a little easier and our egos wouldn’t be so easily threatened.
Razzle dazzle is all well and good; in fact, I am a big proponent of it! I love nothing more than gold bangles and a cute summer dress and really high heels. I think we should all be comfortable being ourselves no matter where we fall on the glitz and glamour spectrum. We should be proud of who we are on casual Wednesdays and be proud of who we are on date night Fridays. I believe in a safe space for all of us, where we can all be our authentic selves with confidence and pride and be real.