The Courage to Become | Monica Becker
Courage to Quit Your 9-5
"What would you do if you knew you couldn't fail?" "What is your biggest dream?" "What are you most passionate about?" These are some of my favorite questions to ask people.
I’m curious about people’s passions and I like to motivate and challenge them to work toward their dreams. I find that I like to encourage people from the inside out – building up their confidence and then encouraging them to stretch.
Sometimes we all need a little push to help us get out of the false illusion that we can't succeed. Sometimes it’s easy for us to settle, because we’re scared of “what if?” But when we pursue our passions and follow what truly sets are soul on fire, that’s when the magic happens.
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Just after I turned 23, I started working full time as an employee of the State of Texas. I was the youngest person in my division and very excited for my new career. But, the excitement of having my 9-5 "big girl" job quickly started to fade as I surpassed my learning curve and was no longer stimulated by the work.
But, as luck would have it, around the same time I started teaching group fitness classes, and they kept monotony from setting in.
Right away I fell in love with group fitness and the community I built within my classes. Helping and motivating people through my classes made my heart explode. I was able to see people's lives transform right in front of my eyes. The impact of finding a positive community had a MAJOR ripple effect.
We forget how powerful it is to connect with people.
I teach all forms of dance (latin, hip-hop, etc.) and since most people don’t feel comfortable dancing unless they’ve had a few cocktails – it’s always touch and go at first – whether the students are really going to let loose. But when one student dances freely, others follow.
Providing a time and space to allow my students to “let go” can make a huge difference in someone’s day which can also change their life.
My fulfillment from my classes grew immensely in my soul and I one day I could not see myself living without that energy. So, I started teaching as many classes as I could while working full time and juggling my relationship.
BUT, I was in need of finding balance.
And then, two weeks before our one year wedding anniversary, my husband and I found out we were pregnant. We were both ecstatic for the news but knew we wanted better work opportunities before our son came and I finally had clear intentions of what I wanted.
I wanted to stay home with our son and not miss any of his first moments.
But how would I be able to do this and earn an income to contribute to our family?
I wanted to teach my fitness classes and somehow make just as much money or more working in line with my passion – so I set that as an intention. And I no longer wanted my 9-5 “big girl” job.
Two weeks before my maternity leave was up - I had an intense conversation with my best friend about my decision to quit. And since she is the best planner I have ever met, the news freaked her out. She knew that our family really wasn’t built for only one income. Even with all that, I spoke these words to her: "I am going to go back to work but then I’m quitting. I don't know how but I will end up making more money working less hours doing what I love – being home with our son. I don't know how it's going to happen but I just know and have faith that it will work out."
And then, I QUIT MY 9-5 JOB.
Shortly thereafter, I was approached by one of my students and he offered me a job developing a DANCE VIDEO GAME. I would be doing the choreography and development for a DANCE VIDEO GAME!
I couldn't even believe the type of work I would be doing. I was finally working completely in my passions and the best part was I’d be able to work from home and have my son with me.
Between my new video game job and my fitness classes I was making just the income I needed. I was extremely thankful and in shock that I actually achieved what I desired most!
THEN…
Two weeks after attaining this amazing opportunity my husband got a job offer to work from home as well with a large income increase. We were not expecting this at all! Now my husband could enjoy all of Austin's first moments too! We were both home and got to experience when Austin took his first steps – and I will never forget it.
Having faith that everything will work out and taking a risk has been the biggest life changing experience for me. I learned so much about the power of our intentions and desires. Our daily thoughts and actions can make our lives for better or worse.
If there is something you are passionate about or something you want to achieve, dig deep and put your whole heart into it. Don't worry about how you will get there, just have faith and start taking action towards your goals. Doors will open for you along the way and people will come into your life that are unexpected. Take a leap of faith. You won't regret it!
Essay by: Monica Becker
Monica is truly an inspiration and such a wonderful spirit!!! You can find her on You Tube, or connect with her via her FB Page: Dance With Monica ATX and you can even find her on Instagram.
If you're in the Austin area, check out her FB page for dance classes, and if you're not in the Austin area, check out her YOU TUBE page, and she can teach you in the comfort of your home!
Hi, friend!
I'm Catia, a woman, wife, mama, sister, sister friend, you know -- I wear a million hats just like you.
One of my biggest whys is that I want people to feel good about ALL of who they are. Including you.
The threads running through all my work (I’m an author - The Courage to Become, I’m a motivational speaker - TEDx, Choose Joy or Die , I am a private coach ) are hope, joy and empowerment.
If I could choose ten words that best describe me I would say: honest, welcoming, giving, curious, loving, earnest, empathetic, spiritual, playful, and sassy. Let's add: adventurous. That's 11.
Nice to meet you!
Want to start feeling really good but not sure where to start? Jump on into our virtual classroom (complimentary of course!) and get a weekly guide on how to walk with confidence and joy! You are divine. You are magic. I look forward to serving you!
Confidence + Joy Weekly Guide
The Courage to Become | Kim Pena
The “Courage to Become” is such an all-encompassing subject. When I first brainstormed this I thought of things I had “become.”
From a daughter-->friend-->educator-->wife-->mother-->strong woman the list was long but not super interesting. I reached out the Catia and she asked me a simple but powerful question, “What do you feel has been the most difficult for you? What were you most scared of?” I almost immediately responded but then I just sat back and really reflected for a few days because as an adult not much scares me, but that has by no means always been the case.
How did I go from a child who was scared of even speaking to a woman who not only finds strength in herself but works hard to surround herself with a village with other strong and amazing women?
On being young and scared
When I was young I was scared of everything. I don’t know if it was being the youngest child with an older brother who liked to pick on me or watching America’s Most Wanted (John Walsh gave me nightmares for years) but I was afraid of a lot. I grew up with a speech impediment and so I was always on guard. Over time I became not only scared of how I said things but of what I said. I spent my life trying to be who I thought people wanted me to be. I was most afraid of being myself.
I learned early on how to play a role. With friends and even with family I wasn’t fully me, I worked hard to be who I thought they needed or who they wanted me to be.
I learned pretty early on how to manipulate a false connection. I’m not proud, but it’s true. I let people see sides of me, maybe a dramatic side, maybe a loving side, maybe an intellectual side, maybe sometimes a mean side but never authentic me. I sat in fear that that they might figure me out and judge me or worse, hate me.
As a young woman I held my tongue and told myself that it was a good thing. That if I didn’t say certain things I was being strong and picking my battles – but really I was just holding myself in because I was scared.
I was scared of being wrong, scared of being judged, and sometimes even scared of being right.
The only person who I was completely myself around was my mother. I honestly wanted to meet and exceed any goals she had for me but not because I felt pressured. She was the source of love and strength for me. If I have any goals for myself as a mother it is to make my children feel as comfortable with me as I have always felt with her.
On growing up and finding authenticity
During my senior year of college I went to Austin to find a job.
I wanted to move and get clean break from everyone. I had lived by myself once in college (and even though it was a bad part of town and I almost froze to death) it was exhilarating and I couldn’t wait to do it again.
After I landed in Austin, I had coffee with a guy and I tried my basic first date formula, i.e. ask questions all about them, but it failed. He was the first person who saw through all my bullshit and asked me questions that really made me search for honest answers and then challenged me to defend my answers. So, I decided to try something radically different – I tried to be authentic. I spent time on my own and got to really know myself. And while not everyone was happy with the new me, I was able to form some of the most genuine friendships of my life.
Being authentic was definitely harder than I thought. There were still people in my life that I was terrified would judge me. There were people I loved -- and I really wanted to be who they wanted me to be – but it never quite worked. It is so difficult to reflect on whether the choices you have made are your own or someone else’s expectation of you. It is even harder to accept that the choices weren’t yours and aren’t something you wanted or are particularly happy with. The reality is that when you find courage to challenge the people in your life to get to know the authentic you, you can’t control the outcome.
I was heartbroken over some outcomes and relieved at others but either way my fear melted away and I emerged stronger.
On continuing to evolve
I have discovered the truth in the proverb that change is the only constant. In the last decade, everything about me has changed.
And as I grew so did my drive, my empathy, my capacity to love, and my self-will. I give as many chances as people need. I accept and still love those who don’t like me or still see me as the person I once was. I don’t judge, I embrace. I do everything I can to empower other women. I have friends who don’t agree with me on everything and yet we engage in respectful conversation and I adore them. I cherish my family. I make sure every day that my children and husband are loved and appreciated. I don’t hold my tongue, but I listen humbly.
Ladies, if you don’t have the courage to let your voice be heard and become strong enough to speak for yourself then you’ll never be heard. If you don’t love enough to listen, then nothing can ever be fixed.
If I could leave you with one discovery, it would be --
I have become strong not because I let someone in, but because I learned to let myself out.
And that same power, is waiting for you. -Kim
Essay by: Kim Pena
Don't you love Kim's story of how she moved from fear to power?! I was definitely inspired!
For more of Kim and to say Hello :) , head on over to:
The Hill Country Woman / FB/TheHillCountryWoman / Insta-TheHillCountryWoman
Hi friend!
I'm Catia, a woman, wife, mama, sister, sister friend, you know -- I wear a million hats just like you.
One of my biggest whys is that I want people to feel good about ALL of who they are. Including you.
The threads running through all my work (I’m an author - The Courage to Become, I’m a motivational speaker - TEDx, Choose Joy or Die , I am a private coach ) are hope, joy and empowerment.
If I could choose ten words that best describe me I would say: honest, welcoming, giving, curious, loving, earnest, empathetic, spiritual, playful, and sassy. Let's add: adventurous. That's 11.
Nice to meet you!
Want to start feeling really good but not sure where to start? Jump on into our virtual classroom (complimentary of course!) and get a weekly guide on how to walk with confidence and joy! You are divine. You are magic. I look forward to serving you!
Confidence + Joy Weekly Guide
The Courage to Become | Alexis Edwards
I am thrilled to have the opportunity to participate in a collaborative series dreamed up by the amazingly talented Catia Holm. Catia is a mama, writer, speaker and all around badass lady who is passionate about inspiring authenticity and teaching others how to flourish.
Catia’s “Courage to Become” series features women from all walks of life with uniquely inspiring stories on how they garnered the courage to BECOME. Women blazing their own trails despite fear and doubt so they could BECOME the women they are truly meant to be. The series will highlight and celebrate each woman’s journey and I’m overjoyed that Catia invited me to join the group!
When Catia reached out, I was honestly like, "Huh? Me? I’m boring." But I think that might also be the point. Navigating womanhood can be brutal. Expectations are high, judgments are common, and self-esteem is a journey all its own. To combat that, we need community and we need to know that our voice matters. We need to be told and understand that our purpose is unique and absolutely attainable despite our fears and doubts.
I think many of us truly struggle to become. When I looked up the definition, I found the meaning “begin to be”. To be or not to be, that is the question, right? It certainly has been for me. My life has been a series of inner dialogues about whether or not to begin and while it’s never easy to take the plunge, each new beginning has helped shape me into the woman I am today.
I haven’t lived the easiest life. I was born to very young parents who raised me in a blended and messy shared custody battle ground. My mother struggled with mental illness, substance abuse and I moved from one city to the next as she chased her broken dreams. We didn’t live in one place for longer than a year or two and my life felt completely nomadic. I yearned for normalcy and endlessly hoped for freedom from the roaming chaos.
While not the nuclear family of my peers, my imperfectly disordered upbringing is exactly where everything about my personality was born. It was the beginning of my becoming. I was forced into a life of independence and resilience and quickly learned how to take charge and meet the needs of others. All of which led me to the career path I’m still walking today.
Since before I can remember, I always wanted to be a helper of sorts, well there was that one time when I was four and wanted to be a ballerina trapeze artist, but other than that I wanted to be a vet, a doctor, a teacher, basically all the kickass people saving (or changing) lives.
It’s my theory that those of us that have been broken are pulled into roles of mending and helping and will continuously do everything in our power to bring things (or people) back into wholeness. And that’s exactly what I did.
I came “home” to Louisiana for undergrad, desperate to dig roots, to be still. I thought, “This is where I will stay forever,” but turns out my wild heart needed more adventure. Despite my dad’s dismay, I did not end up going to medical school, I mean math is hard, but I did discover a calling that allowed me to not only heal my own pain, but to also channel it into serving others.
I applied to graduate school at the UT Austin School of Social Work and after visiting the campus felt an intense pull to stay, my first influential internal dialogue about becoming. What about my family and friends in Louisiana? What if I regretted it? What if I failed? But the thing I’ve learned time and time again, is that your gut is your truth.
Each time I’ve doubted or questioned or feared, I’ve closed my eyes and listened to my heart. Deep down, we all know what we need. We all know what is right or wrong or necessary. Our heart and soul whispers the answers into every part of our being. The problem is that we don’t trust ourselves enough to hold those truths steady.
Eventually I became a mother and realized that mothering was hard. I doubt myself daily and find myself frequently telling a friend, “Today I was a bad mom”. It’s as if the hard things, the struggles, make us feel like we are doing everything wrong. The truth that we are good and alive and doing our best – becomes unsteady -- because the pressure outside says darkness is bad. Failure is wrong. Losing isn’t right. But for me, it’s the things in my life that were all of it, the good, bad and ugly, that brought me the most joy --that made me grow and change and become more human. We can struggle and still be good.
My gut (truth) has never let me down. I followed my truth from grad school in Austin to an internship in South Africa and back again. I followed it again into marriage and motherhood. I followed it when leaving my career to stay home with my babies and I’m following it today as I embark on the journey to reignite my career all over again.
I still have zero clue what I’m doing, but I’m experiencing life. I’m trusting the process and listening to my heart every step of the way. I’m sitting with discomfort and fear and letting it guide me as I unearth the truth behind it all.
I think so often about HOW my children will become WHOLE. About how they can reach self-love and embrace their truth and I think the answer is in teaching them -- not so much about right from wrong -- but more about right and wrong. Strange and normal. Easy and hard. Sadness and joy. Fear and confidence. How the most dichotomous of experiences are actually immensely intertwined and living them together is the only way to authentically become.
Essay by: Alexis Edwards
“I used to think I was the strangest person in the world but then I thought there are so many people in the world, there must be someone just like me who feels bizarre and flawed in the same ways I do. I would imagine her, and imagine that she must be out there thinking of me, too. Well, I hope that if you are out there and read this and know that, yes, it’s true I’m here, and I’m just as strange as you.”
~Frida Kahlo
Head on over to Birth 360 to get in touch with Alexis
And for a daily dose of FUNNY, REAL and SMART visit Alexis on her Instagram!
Hi friend!
I'm Catia, a woman, wife, mama, sister, sister friend, you know -- I wear a million hats just like you.
One of my biggest whys is that I want people to feel good about ALL of who they are. Including you.
The threads running through all my work (I wrote a book - The Courage to Become, I speak - TEDx, Choose Joy or Die , I am a private coach ) are hope, joy and empowerment.
If I could choose ten words that best describe me I would say: honest, welcoming, giving, curious, loving, earnest, empathetic, spiritual, playful, and sassy. Let's add: adventurous. That's 11.
Nice to meet you!
Want to start feeling really good but not sure where to start? Jump on into our virtual classroom (complimentary of course!) and get a weekly guide on how to walk with confidence and joy! You are divine. You are magic. I look forward to serving you!
Confidence + Joy Weekly Guide
Sign up here
Teachers Change Lives
Originally published on 11-10-13
Some of my earliest memories include school teachers, both good and bad. There was Mrs. Smith who was harder on me than on anyone else in the class, there was Mrs. Everitt who adored her students and taught me how to do neck exercises, and there was Mrs. Vos who gave me a wide open space to discover and learn just what kind of student I wanted to be. Teachers have the capacity to impact students from September through May, and then some.
Well, a few days ago I was working a wine tasting event in my hometown of Weslaco and I looked up and saw Mr. Richard Vos. He is my second grade teacher’s husband. Not expecting him to remember who I was I said, “Hi my name is Catia Hernandez and I…” “I know who you are,” he said. He remembered? I was so happy that he did. My voice immediately went up a few octaves. “How’s Mrs. Vos? It’s been so long since I’ve seen her!” He said she was doing great and had returned to teaching from her hiatus. I asked if she would be stopping by the wine tasting and Mr. Vos told me she was at swimming practice and that he didn’t think so. Since I was eager to catch up with her I asked for her email address. I told him I was really excited to see him too, but Mrs. Vos…Mrs. Vos! I couldn’t wait to send her a note.
I continued serving wine for the next 30 minutes. “Moscato? Ok. Cabernet? Coming right….Mrs. Vos!” Mrs. Vos was standing right in front of me! I came out of my skin with excitement. I came out from behind the serving station and gave her a huge bear hug and a kiss. I attacked her with love.
“How are you? Oh my goodness, it’s been so long! I just have to thank you for being so great. You impacted my life in such an amazing way. You taught me how to write and you even rewarded me by letting me be teacher for a day!” Along the way I have had some incredible school teachers, but Mrs. Vos was extraordinary.
Mrs. Vos taught us how to write compositions and I’ve been writing ever since. One time we event wrote a “How to make a banana split” composition. As a fun Christmas party activity our parents came in the classroom and made banana splits EXACTLY how our compositions instructed, so if we forgot to write, get the ice cream boat and place it in front of you, our banana split ingredients would be place nicely on our desks. She was so good at approaching each student differently and I was no different. She knew exactly what motivated me. So as a reward for being chosen as a Super Star I was allowed to be Teacher for a day. (Every 6 weeks we received our report cards. Additionally the teachers chose outstanding students deemed, Super Stars. Super Stars were rewarded in different ways, one of which included a school wide parade. Super Stars would parade through the school hallways, in crowns and sashes while the high school fight song played over the speakers. People would clap, parents would visit, and flowers were gifted. It had my name written all over it. It was ALWAYS my goal to be named Super Star during the first 6 week period. Just to make sure I set the tone for the rest of the year.) Being teacher for a day included dictating the day’s activities all while sitting….at the teacher’s desk! It was jackpot gold for a Type A 2nd grader. It was awesome. And however small of a gesture, it was my first leadership experience and I was hooked. I bet if you dropped me off at Memorial Elementary I could navigate my way back to our old classroom.
I continued to catch Mrs. Vos up on what I was doing these days. “I’m writing a book,” I told her. I think her eyes welled up but maybe it was just the glare of the fluorescent lighting. “I can’t thank you enough for investing in my life,” I told her. She replied with, “Thank you. Not all our kids thank us as fervently and success stories are always a joy. You were always a very….” And she held her hands straight in front of her and finished with “focused.” Whewh! “You were always structured and focused.” What’s not to like about that?
I went to public school all my life and had a great experience. I was blessed with dozens of caring, thoughtful teachers and Mrs. Vos was the cream of the crop.
Thank you to all the wonderful teachers who work countless hours and give all that you have to your craft. Your work and efforts are felt long after students leave the classroom. In 1991 I was 8 years old and Mrs. Vos’ student. It’s 2013 and I’m 30. More than two decades have passed and I still hold her and those classroom experiences close to my heart.
When you get, give. When you learn, teach. At our best we are all teachers. - Maya Angelou
The Como Mamas
Originally published on 10-23-13
Sometime in mid-March, I was working at ACL and SXSW acts were rolling through the venue. The ticket for this particular night read, Soul Review. I thought, “Cool. I like soul music.” And I had a glimmer of hope that Justin Timberlake would swing by.
At 8pm when the house lights went down the venue only had about 100 people in it. It was a meager start to the night as the venue fits about 2700 music lovers. As I surveyed the crowd I thought, “Maybe Prince is playing down the street or something.”
I scanned the acts on the ticket and since I hadn’t heard of any of them, I didn’t pay much attention. As ACL spans four floors I spent a lot of my time running around chatting and checking with staff on each floor. As I was running around my boss, Tom asked “Have you been inside the venue yet? You’re going to love the act on stage.” As soon as I found a good breaking point I made my way inside the venue and was immediately blown away.
The room was dark and cold and filled with the unforgettable voices of The Como Mamas. As I surveyed the stage I thought, “Only three ladies, no instruments?” I had heard similar sounds from movie soundtracks before, but never in person. The group is made up of three lifelong Gospel singers from the small town of Como, Mississippi, and they were magnificent. Their voices cut straight through the fluff and went directly to my bones. Their voices were gripping. I was mesmerized. I inched my way toward the front of the stage and got lost in their voices. I took photos and videos but nothing compared to the real thing.
When their set was over and the crowd of what was now 200 people had finished applauding, I decided to make good use of my all access pass and go backstage to tell them how awesome they were.
I walked straight up to my favorite of the three singers, Ms. Ester Mae, and I introduced myself. “Hello, my name is Catia and I work here. I just wanted to tell you how powerful and impactful your performance was. Listening to your voices is very moving. Good luck with…” I thought it was be a quick congratulations and I’d be on my way. But before I turned away she grabbed my hands in hers.
We were outside her dressing room and folks were hurriedly working getting ready for the next band, but somehow all that faded away and I felt connected. I didn’t yet know what she was going to say, but I knew that I was going to pay attention.
My small soft hands sat in her encompassing rough hands. Her hands felt like they had been productive for decades. She was tall and was of bigger build and dressed in her Sunday best. Her long corn rows were pulled back in a ponytail and she was smiling so big I could see her gold capped teeth. No one would have questioned her being backstage but she was wearing her artist badge proudly.
Once my hands were in hers and our eyes locked she said, “Thank you so much for that. You know, I’m 62. They came into my church and discovered me 4 years ago. All my life I’ve been singing in the church, for the church and just now, my dreams are coming true. Tomorrow, they are taking me on a plane to New Orleans!” She was beaming. Ms. Ester continued, “I’ve been praying my whole life to God. You just keep working hard for what you want. Don’t lose faith in yourself or in God. When you’re ready, your dreams will find their way to you. Don’t be afraid of hard work.”
I was blown away by her words of wisdom. I knew that this was not an ordinary occurrence.
Ms. Ester definitely looked like she could cook a southern meal and give a great hug. And since we weren’t near a kitchen, I asked if I could give her a hug and she agreed. It was such a mama bear hug. I could feel her love even though she didn’t know me from Adam.
Did she know Guapo and I were about to hit a rocky patch? Did she know I was going to jump into writing full time? Did she know that I was training for a marathon? Did she know I was working two jobs and was really tired? There were so many balls in the air; I had no clue how life was going to be come May. How did she know I would need to hear her words? She didn’t, but God did.
God sent her to me to say, “Keep your head down, work hard and don’t lose faith.” The words, “I’m 62 and I’m just walking into my dream,” pop into my thoughts when I get impatient.
There are signs all around and they come to us in different packages. The universe is constantly talking to us, guiding us along. However, the signs from the universe won’t always be obvious, most times, they’ll be subtle. We have to be open and aware enough to receive them. We have to have open hearts, open minds and be quiet enough within ourselves to notice the messages.
If we are constantly numbing ourselves out with food, alcohol or even activity we will have a hard time reading the signs along the way, if we see them at all. James Earl Jones is not going to show up at our doors telling us what our next move should be, neither is the Wizard of Oz.
Some days a door will open and a door will close and that’s as much change that will happen. Some days there may be a road block along the way redirecting us, and some days the universe may send us Ms. Ester. Most times the signs are so small that we may not even give them any significance, but they are there. Pay attention.
Justin Timberlake was a no show that night, but I got something much better, a hug from Ms. Ester and a message from God.
Ms. Ester, may you continue to touch people’s souls the way you touched mine.
Leaving work Post Partum
Originally published on 7-24-13
Before graduating high school I was an honors student, played varsity golf and was a drum major of a 300 person marching band. When I graduated at 17 years old, I ranked 5th out of 600. After high school I attended UT Business School and clipped through that in 3 years, only to graduate at 20 years old. Immediately after UT I enrolled in graduate school at the University of Houston where I worked full time and took a full course load. After two years in graduate school I graduated with a 4.0 and got hired onto my then dream job, a manager at Eddie V’s Edgewater Grille in downtown Austin. In 2006 Eddie V’s was the sexiest place in town. The restaurant was filled with money, power, fame and beauty to boot. I was having my cake and eating it too. At 25 my family hired me full time to help run their million dollar business, Holiday Wine and Liquor. I attended community events, filmed commercials, conducted wine tastings, created team culture and built our brand. After four years with Holiday, I was hired in 2011 to be General Manager of Bar Operations at ACL-Live in downtown Austin. I was back in Austin and working at the hippest place in town. Mariah Carey told me to make it happen, and I did.
Well, a month ago I let ACL and all the cache that went with it, go. I left for two reasons. The first was to create a better environment for my relationship and future family. The second was to focus on Anna and see my dreams of writing and coaching come true.
But, seven days after I left ACL, it hit like an anvil, I was making less money and I had turned in all my street cred. Money equals power, right? Or does money equal freedom? Or does working at a cool place equal power and freedom? Whatever money and job status equals, I started to feel a little less than. I felt like a financial burden to my partner and it seemed the only way to rectify this was to work really hard at making our house perfect.
On the 8th day, I woke up at 7:45 and made the bed by 8am. I had never made the bed so early. By noon, I had washed dishes, rearranged the living room furniture, took out the trash and recycling, made iced tea, and thanked my boyfriend 78 times for reasons known and unknown. I kept thinking, “Oh, what a nice man to take me in with all my student loan debt, I’d better be extra appreciative today, he is the breadwinner after all!” I was thanking him at the rate that Pippen thanked Jordan. I was thanking him like Katie Holmes and Nicole Kidman thanked Tom Cruise. I couldn’t stop thinking how disrespectful it would be to say, “You bring home the bacon and don’t forget to cook in for breakfast too!”
Maybe it was the Mexican servitude in me and maybe it was all those years of Catholic guilt indoctrination, but it was there and it was loud.
The fact that I was not contributing as much money to the family bank account grabbed a hold of me in a way I didn’t think it would. But, like the sun rises every morning, so too did God send me a teacher.
In the few weeks after my mind had been spinning, Guapo and I sat down with friends for dinner. There were three couples, and we sat divided at the table, three men and three women. Conversation got rolling and I had the patience to wait until our entrees to do what I do best, spill my beans.
I detailed my latest life developments which included: leaving ACL, making less money, feeling overloaded with domestic duties and feeling a little less than. I described to these ladies who are wonderful mothers and strong women, how I had been unsettled and how I was trying to get my sea legs for being what I have coined a ‘house person’ (since I’m not a Mom yet), someone who largely works from home and tends to house hold duties.
Elizabeth, a mom of three, looked at me and said, “Girl, when I left my job, it took me a year and a half to adjust!” She said, “Even though I knew it was the right decision for my family, I felt less than because I no longer had a job that people were in awe of.” Elizabeth continued with, “It took some real effort not to say, I’m just a stay at home mom. When the babies cried, I felt the need to jump out of bed and not inconvenience my husband who works long days.”
Vanessa, a mom of two, said, “Oh yes, I totally understand. At first you’ll feel the need to always have the dishwasher empty and have elaborate dinners cooked.” She too had a really cool job where she had more street cred than she could ask for. Vanessa also opened up and told me about the first time she went shopping after she became a stay at home mom. She said she paused out of guilt before buying a $50 bra, because maybe it wasn’t really communal money. Thankfully, Vanessa didn’t let the conversation end before telling me that there was a time she apologized to her husband for not having the dishes cleaned and he replied with, “Don’t worry about it, it’s not your job.” Surprised, Vanessa asked, “It’s not?” And she grabbed my hand and looked at me and said, “It’s not.” I felt relief sinking in.
There’s a lot to be said for women who support women. They could have easily brushed aside my comments, but they didn’t. They listened and empathized and responded. They held my hand, told me they knew exactly how I felt and sent me on my way. I am very grateful for them.
On the drive home after dinner, because I just had to have it all figured out before we were in the driveway I asked Guapo “What is my job now that I have so much free time?” He took a second and said, “Your job is to be kind and thoughtful and fulfilled, without those things our world doesn’t work.” He said, “You took a leap of faith on us, and I honor that. You giving up a job where you work nights and odd hours enhances our lives, and for that I’m grateful.” It finally started sinking in that I in fact was not a financial burden and that my increased presence in our lives was valued on time alone.
We parked the car, walked inside our home and I sat at the kitchen table while I watched Guapo buzz around the house. He fed the dogs and changed the slip covers on the sofa cushions and I told my Catholic guilt to hit the road.
The next day I reconciled that all my go getter accomplishments were still there and that “I” the person who did all those things didn’t vanish, I just decided to take another route. I made a deliberate choice to channel my energy into my home and my family and my dream of writing, and that doesn’t make me less than who I was six months ago. It in fact, gets me closer to being who I want to be.
Ladies, thank society for their idea of who you should be and if it doesn’t work for you, set it aside. Our greatest responsibility is not to make sure we fit into perfect boxes. Our greatest responsibilities as beings are to remain fulfilled and healthy and happy, so that we may make each of our corners a better place.
Some days I’ll have the bed made by 8am and some days I won’t, and it’s all okay.
26.2
Originally published on 6-2-13
Late February my brother, Carlos, and I were at my Sis’ birthday party and he said, “Hey I’m running a marathon in May,” and after having a few vodka martinis I said, “I will too!”
Half of me wanted to tackle a challenge, something way beyond my reach, something that I knew would take a good chunk of commitment, and the other half of me wanted to support him (at this point Carlos had lost 100 pounds and had been challenging himself physically and mentally in different ways), a little solidarity if you will.
I was not in real shape; I was what I call ‘gym fit.’ My clothes fit and I felt good about the way I looked but I had zero endurance.
So I decided to get with it and of course, started by buying new clothes and supplies!
The running coach fitting me for sneakers asked, “How many miles can you run now without stopping?” “8 miles,” I quickly replied. 8 miles was a total and complete lie, I hadn’t run 8 miles since 2011! Now scared I asked, “Do you think I can do this?” He answered seriously, “Absolutely, but you can’t skip a day of training. Most people train over 6 months.” I only had 9 weeks. Uh oh.
I Googled, sought advice from the fittest people I knew, bought cool running gear, downloaded songs, but there was no magic formula, no magic pill. No one offered the number to their blood doping connection. I was out of luck. I’d have to go it alone. I decided to forge ahead and I started to chip away at it.
My first long run was 8 miles and every Saturday after that I upped the mileage by 2. I ran 8, 10, 12, 14, 16 and 18! At 18 I thought, “Woah.” As I ran up the driveway after mile 18 I thought, “Ok. Now this is a lot.” I gingerly lied on the floor and got lost in the wooden beam above until I could move again.
One week later I ran the big kahuna, 20. 20 was my best run. I left the house on my own, knowing there would be no jam bands or spectators along the way, knowing there would be no aid or water stations, no one handing me half bananas to keep me going. It was only my carefully chosen shoes, my favorite Pandora rap station, my Gatorade and my inner voice. You see, I have the same chatter box that you have. The chatter box that tells you whether you can or you can’t. While I did experience things happening on the exterior: corner store activity, blessing the homeless man I ran by, running through plumes of cigarette smoke, watching the city busses stop and go and stop and go, I did not allow myself to sink into my negative chatter box. If I had, I would have never laced up my shoes in the first place. Who runs 20 miles on there on a volunteer basis? As negative thoughts would float in my head I would coach myself through by saying, “Nope, not now, negative chatter box, you can try to come back later.” All of a sudden the negative rhetoric was gone and in the moment I knew I could do it, because I already was. I was already at mile 16, what was another 4 miles?
Soon we were 2 weeks out I came down with a virus and my Dr. said, “Hey I know how hard you’ve trained but I can’t guarantee you‘ll be able to run.” With some certain attitude I replied, “Give me the meds, not running is not an option.” I had worked out 5 days a week, rain or shine, sick or tired. Nothing got in the way. I ate the right foods, drank the right fluids, passed up a tasty alcoholic beverage on many occasion because I knew my body couldn’t withstand it. Some head cold was not going to stop me.
She ended up seeing me again a few days after the marathon because I had a little GI tract bleeding from running- whoops.
For 9 weeks Carlos and I trained separately but cheered each other on in our own way, watched each other’s progress. Finally, race day was upon us. We woke up even before the roosters crowed, threw on our best battle gear and headed for the starting line. When we stepped out of our toasty warm car and into the race zone, it was 46 degrees. Icy.
The marathon we signed up for was the definition of low key. I’m not sure the casual Saturday morning trail runners even knew there were races being run. Folks were running 10ks, half marathons, full marathons and 50ks. Carlos and I ran with no promise of glittered good luck signs, fanfare or fancy refueling stations. The statement, we ran the most boring marathon possible, is not far off.
I was packed down with energy chews, electrolytes; a water bottle, my iphone and my ipod shuffle just in case my phone decided it didn’t have enough juice to go the distance with me.
Throughout the run I observed nature, thought about a new hair style, thought about cool posts for Facebook once I had finished, but then like a Mom is proud of her child, I started feeling proud of myself, so I got teary eyed and had to stop thinking about Facebook posts. Onward. I sang along with Jay Z, Ja Rule, J Lo and 50 Cent. I’m clearly stuck in 2001. I thought about how crazy the people who put on the marathon were. Instead of offering us Gatorade and orange slices, they offered us Rootbeer and Oreos. With each lap the sun came out more and with each lap I peeled off layers of clothing. In the middle of the third lap I felt my face flush and my head heat up and I thought, “What’s going on here? Oh, I’m overheating. Whoopsie daises, better not let that happen.”
It warmed up to 65 degrees by the time we were on mile 24, when Carlos and I met up on the trail. We changed our individuals running paces and joined up, and decided to run the last few miles together. No winner, no loser, but together. Here we were, months and weeks and hours and hours of training later, together. Knowing there would be a camera we gave our best Hernandez smile and sprinted across, we probably looked a little more energetic than we actually were. We may have even had a little juice left for crossing the finish line at mile 26.2. We crossed, high fived, looked around for some fanfare, but there was none to be had, so we took a moment for ourselves, packed up and went home.
Carlos finished because he told himself he could. I finished because I told myself I could. There was no magic pill for either of us, no super-secret way to get through it, no back door way to get a marathon medal. All it took was a little courage.
Never underestimate the power of courage. It takes courage to set a goal and grind away at it.
You are capable of so much more than you give yourself allowance for. Don’t be afraid to reach just beyond your grasp. I believe in you.
Get Comfortable Being Uncomfortable
Originally published on 2-21-13
A few weeks ago I joined a new fancy gym and thought there was no question I’d be in the top 10% of the fitness level. I mean, I practice yoga, I‘ve run races, cycled in races, run 10ks in my sleep, I’m a Tough Mudder for crying out loud! I got this! No problem!
So I looked over the class schedule and decided the first class I would take was Total Conditioning. I showed up to class, assessed the room and the people in the room and assumed my space in the front row.
It’s probably not a surprise that I spend most of my life in both the literal and hypothetical front row. I’ve always wanted to learn and inch forward and improve, even in something as trivial as gym class.
It was a noon class and I looked around at thought, “don’t these people work?” Then I thought, “alright Instructor Jodi, let’s see what you’ve got.” Kayne was blaring in the background and we were movin’ and grovin’. Side steps, pump those arms, add a hop, and keep it moving! 300 seconds into the warm up, I thought, “Oh shit, Jodi’s going to whoop me!” My heart rate was at 165 and my max is 195. Then after 10 minutes, the Jodi asked, “Are we ready to get started?” I thought, “Crap lady, if we haven’t started yet, I may collapse by the end of the class!” From what I could tell I was the least in shape of anyone in the room. It was nuts!
I was struggling, breathing deeply, face red as a beet, getting dizzy, seeing grey and maybe black. I looked like a buffoon, but I kept going. My arms and legs were flailing around, at one point I lost all control of the motion of my legs on each karate kick, I was just throwing my legs in the air willy-nilly. I walked out 60 minutes later a hot mess. It was the longest 60 minute gym class ever.
So a few days later, I went again, and posted up in the front row. My sheer determination to be better said “Do not wuss out, you’d better stay in the front row. Moving to the middle or back would be conceding defeat!” So again, I endured 60 minutes of heart pumping workout. It was murder, and I was real glad no one in the class knew me by name.
But something happened in this class, in the middle of lunges with weights on our shoulders, just when I thought my butt muscles were going to spontaneously combust because they burned so bad, the instructor yelled out, “GET COMFORTABLE BEING UNCOMFORTABLE, THAT’S WHERE THE CHANGE HAPPENS! WHEN YOU WALK OUT OF HERE WILL YOU BE ABLE TO TELL YOURSELF THAT WAS THE BEST YOU COULD DO?” And a light went off in my head and I thought, “No I won’t, I know I have about 15% more to give.” Jodi continued yelling over Beyoncé lyrics, “You’re already here, you’re here for 60 minutes, and you may as well get the most out of it!” If I could have OOH-RAHed in the moment, I would have.
Over the next few days I couldn’t stop thinking, get comfortable being uncomfortable. I can do that. After all, any time something magical has happened it’s been in moments that are outside of my comfort zone. For me, life changing break throughs have been when I’ve summed up courage and guts and moxie and energy to say screw it….let’s do this.
Don’t be afraid of that. It won’t feel good every second of the way, but who cares, there’s always an end to the icky feeling and at the end of the icky feeling is pure “aaaahhhhh.”
It’s like driving through downpour and then seeing a rainbow, it’s like giving birth and then getting to hold your baby, it’s like being scared being scared to ask for a raise, doing it anyways and succeeding, it’s like going on a first date with a man who doesn’t respond your regular shtick –being forced to be yourself—and then figuring out he’s the love of your life (yesterday morning we talked about new houses and babies). It’s like forcing yourself to get up off the couch after you get home from work put your bra back on and go out and make friends when you move to a new city, then finding your kindred spirit.
It always take a little courage and you already have all the courage you need, there’s a land of joy out there, waiting for you to enjoy it.
You’re already on this earth; you may as well make the most of it. Are you giving the best you have to offer? On your last day, will you be able to say, I gave it all I had? It matters not that you’re the best in class, all that matters is that you are getting all that you can and all that you want out of your 60 minutes.
Claim Yours
Originally published on 2-18-13
I have grown up in a family that even though we’re well intentioned we’re not always the healthiest. We like many others have fallen into a pattern of celebrating with food and drink and as a bonus since my folks own liquor stores; there’s been plenty of drinking. Each of us had our battles with weight and some of us have been more successful than others but this weekend we handed out our first ever “Most Improved Player” award.
My 25 year old brother Carlos has always been overweight, but since he’s been overweight since I can remember, from my perspective it never felt like such an overwhelming problem. I always thought he’s young; he’ll have time to fix himself up. During high school and parts of college Carlos was active but like most of America he let his health fall by the wayside.
Well about a year ago something clicked in his head and he started to drink less, eat right and workout. Slowly we all saw his transformation first it was -10 pounds, then -20 pounds, then -50 pounds and even -80 pounds.
Last fall when he had dropped 84 pounds he and I went skydiving as a celebration of life and accomplishment. It was truly exhilarating. As an added anxiety bonus, the weight maximum for someone Carlos’ height was 231 and when the sky diving attendance asked him to step on the scale to check his weight we both started at the digital numbers in anticipation and then then verdict was 228! We’re in. Tiger Woods arm pump! We both breathed a sigh of relief and suited up for the sky dive. Then we got nervous about the dive! We were so busy worrying about his weight we had forgotten to worry about dropping from 10,000 feet in the air!
A few weeks later at negative 90 pounds my brothers and our friend and I participated in a Tough Mudder race. It’s a 12 mile obstacle course with 25 military style like obstacles. We trekked through miles of mud, survived 3 electrocution obstacles (yes actual electrocution), scaled 20 foot walls, jumped in pools of water from 30 feet high and swam through ice cold 32 degree water, we felt exhilarated! It was nuts. But, Carlos’ being in shape was crucial to the team. Two people were Life Flighted from the race that day.
Then yesterday at -105 pounds he ran the Livestrong Austin running event and completed his first half marathon! He signed up of his own volition and trained old school with an ipod and some running shoes. Yesterday Carlos finished 13.1 miles in 2 hours and 7 minutes and solidified the age old adage; you can do anything you put your mind to.
What a privilege to see him grow and learn and discover a new found sense of pride and confidence.
To anyone who is out there reading this waiting to take the first step, don’t wait another second. Go reclaim your life. Take it.